theI have been incredibly lucky in my life. I grew up without any body image issues. I am 3 years younger then my sister. She was in College and I was in High School. She would be picking and popping zits in our mirror and I would look at her and ask, “What are you doing?” I was always happy with myself, my body, and my looks. I had no complaints. Being a tall proportional female when there aren’t many out there makes things more difficult. But somehow I didn’t notice. Maybe I was just too oblivious. I also saw how my mom and sister would weigh themselves on a scale everyday and how destructive that was. I still rarely weigh myself. And I have noticed some insecurities I thought were my own, I actually share with my mom. But I know it didn’t help being asked for a couple months in a row anytime I was emotional if I was on my period? That should be a question taken out of our vocabulary and unacceptable to ask anyone at anytime. Also the word ‘over emotional’ should be taken out of our vocabulary because that word only cause pain and self doubt. I have to try to learn once again that my feelings are valid. It doesn’t matter if they are highly intense. Whatever I am feeling matters and has a reason behind it.
Lately I have noticed that I am viewing myself differently. I look at pictures from a few years ago where I thought I looked great and I am seeing flaws that I didn’t notice before. I am afraid that I am developing body dismorphia which sucks because I am an adult and I should know better. I KNOW that I am not fat, but….
I am tall and curvy and the only person who has ever made me feel small and like I could disappear is the actor, Jared Padalecki from the television show Supernatural. Even when I find guys who are taller then me in the real world which is a rare, then they are thin and I still feel huge and fat next to them. Again I “know” that I am not fat. I am a tall female who is proportional and has curves. Most tall people have the lanky look which helps them appear thinner. I hate that I am developing this and I am trying to love my body again but I don’t know how. I wish it was easier.
I had a guy recently tell me that I am gorgeous. And the other day at work people loved my outfit. I was pissed off about things that were happening in my life and was told by a random woman that I looked like I was walking down the runway. I just couldn’t receive it because I didn’t think I looked that good at all. I was just wearing a regular t-shirt and long skirt. I am getting positive feedback but still feel stuck. I don’t have any solutions. I am still in the thick of it and it FUCKING SUCKS!
I guess that is all for now. Write you next time.