Body Image

theI have been incredibly lucky in my life. I grew up without any body image issues. I am 3 years younger then my sister. She was in College and I was in High School. She would be picking and popping zits in our mirror and I would look at her and ask, “What are you doing?” I was always happy with myself, my body, and my looks. I had no complaints. Being a tall proportional female when there aren’t many out there makes things more difficult. But somehow I didn’t notice. Maybe I was just too oblivious. I also saw how my mom and sister would weigh themselves on a scale everyday and how destructive that was. I still rarely weigh myself. And I have noticed some insecurities I thought were my own, I actually share with my mom. But I know it didn’t help being asked for a couple months in a row anytime I was emotional if I was on my period? That should be a question taken out of our vocabulary and unacceptable to ask anyone at anytime. Also the word ‘over emotional’ should be taken out of our vocabulary because that word only cause pain and self doubt. I have to try to learn once again that my feelings are valid. It doesn’t matter if they are highly intense. Whatever I am feeling matters and has a reason behind it.

Lately I have noticed that I am viewing myself differently. I look at pictures from a few years ago where I thought I looked great and I am seeing flaws that I didn’t notice before. I am afraid that I am developing body dismorphia which sucks because I am an adult and I should know better. I KNOW that I am not fat, but….

I am tall and curvy and the only person who has ever made me feel small and like I could disappear is the actor, Jared Padalecki from the television show Supernatural. Even when I find guys who are taller then me in the real world which is a rare, then they are thin and I still feel huge and fat next to them. Again I “know” that I am not fat. I am a tall female who is proportional and has curves. Most tall people have the lanky look which helps them appear thinner. I hate that I am developing this and I am trying to love my body again but I don’t know how. I wish it was easier.

I had a guy recently tell me that I am gorgeous. And the other day at work people loved my outfit. I was pissed off about things that were happening in my life and was told by a random woman that I looked like I was walking down the runway. I just couldn’t receive it because I didn’t think I looked that good at all. I was just wearing a regular t-shirt and long skirt. I am getting positive feedback but still feel stuck. I don’t have any solutions. I am still in the thick of it and it FUCKING SUCKS!

I guess that is all for now. Write you next time.

First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

This is my first time venturing out into the written blog world. I am nervous and hesitant however I am jumping out of my comfort zone. One reason is because my whole life I have felt that I have something worthwhile to say. How I am feeling on a daily basis might help other who are struggling. I have been encouraged by a couple friends that think I need to start a blog or vlog of some sort. So I thought I would start with a written one. I am more comfortable on paper as it is anyways. And maybe I can start a vlog as a continuation of this blog at a later date. One thing that has held me back is that I don’t know how consistent I will be able to be because life can sometimes take a hold of me and that distracts me. It is hard to know when I will be spit back out.

Recently I wrote something when I was struggling with something myself. I felt the need to show a couple of my friends and one in particular asked if she could save it because she feels like she might need to read it again at some time in the future. I am going to share this with you now and this is one of the main reasons I have decided to start this blog. I hope It can help others. My plan is just to express myself fully as I am, with no apologies. So I might not always sound put together or eloquent. This is really for me but if I can help people while at the same time process my feelings and work through issues then that is awesome. Here is what I wrote:

“OH hello, my new insecurity. This wound is still fresh and yet it has been months. I didn’t think it would still hurt like this now. However as I have seen with my previous experience the pain does become less the more you work through it and with the more time that passes. I don’t know if it ever goes fully away but it becomes bearable. Maybe even barely noticeable.

Each person is made up of cracks and the broken pieces of themselves. I heard someone talk about how that shapes us into the puzzle pieces we are and that way we can find the other people who fit in with those cracks and breaks in ourselves that we thought were flaws and pieces of ourselves that were broken beyond repair.

Others can be there to support us and listen to us as long as they don’t have to answer for others mistakes. That is not fair to them and not their responsibility to take on that burden and fix us. Even if they could, that is not their responsibility. It is up to us to find a way to work through and past our trauma. We come out stronger because of it.”

I guess I’ll leave it at that for my first post. Write you next time.