I’m not okay

My life is not bad. I actually have a lot going for me. I just got this really great job that makes me happy. It is the best work environment that I have ever been in and it is just a Candy Store. 😛 My boss is amazing, my coworkers are amazing. I am happy whenever I am there.
And then I come home.
I am no longer okay. I don’t know if work just distracts me from how I really am feeling but….idk.

I moved close to my niece when I found out my sister was pregnant. A few months after me my mom followed. Now we all live within a mile of each other. That should be wonderful and bring us all together right? Apparently not for me. Ever since my sister was old enough to drive she has spend as much time out of the house as possible. She traveled abroad during the summers when she could and as soon as she was of age to go to college she went hours away and then flights away. My parents got divorced when I was a senior in High School if I remember correctly. My dad got a condo until I graduated and then moved to Washington State. Then years later my mom sold the house I grew up in, was living in again because I had, had to move back home and she moved 3 hours away and then 5 hours away. I have spent all of my adult life away from my family. I don’t know HOW to be a full time member anymore, if I ever did in the first place. And all I feel is the pressure to do so and that I am not doing a good enough job. Like I am not even trying. And all this at a time in my life when I was just starting to discover who I am as an individual apart from what my parents expectations, hopes, and dreams were/are for me. Now I am depressed. Any time I am not at work. And I hate bringing that to any interaction with my niece. Not that she notices but you know that babies are sponges. I don’t want to be the one to fuck her up. I can’t. That is what I desperately want to protect her from.

Even when I am happy I feel this darkness inside of me. I would never do anything to hurt myself. However I still have thoughts about how I wish I could just be gone so that then people would really understand how, not okay I am right now. Because I can’t tell them. Especially my family and I have my reasons as to why. Mom will say that it runs in the family because she was depressed during her marriage to my dad. I am very careful with who I talk to about this because you can’t trust people. They will either make too big of a deal out of it, make it seem too normal which invalidates my feelings, or they will tell you to go to therapy. I am all for therapy but it just….to spend the time for the professional to get up to date on my life and extra money I prefer not to use because #1 I don’t really have extra money for something like that…It’s just too much work. I went starting at 3 years old. Then I stopped for a few years, until my parents got divorced and went back again. Always the same woman. Now I don’t live there anymore and would have to start all over again. I feel like no one cares and I am all alone. Which is inaccurate because most people have no idea what I am going through because I haven’t told them. And others are going through similar things as me, apparently. I am actually SICK of people with the generic, “How are you?” Because no matter how much I want to answer truthfully I can’t. It pisses me off how that is what our world is now. People don’t want and are not ready for my real answer. I am NOT okay. That is how I am. I have graduated from bawling but I still cry everyday. I am broken, and damaged. The other day I got back from a couple hours with my mom and was beside myself. I complain too much, am a difficult friend, its why I don’t have any friends. I am too difficult. I am not worth it. No one cares. I’ll always be alone. No one will ever want to take the time to be with me because I am too critical and get emotional and upset about everything. I just bring them down. I’m too much trouble and too needy.

I need to move away but I love my job, I love my niece. But my feelings are affecting how happy I am around her. And I get judgmental support from my family. I only have two options according to…..Stay where I am, or moved into the unit behind my sister. But I NEED to be 5-15 mins away in distance from them minimum that way I can still work at the same place. I just need a little distance and space. All the signs the Universe is providing me is fucking confusing. I don’t make enough to live alone. My mom has been financially supporting me basically forever. Even when I do live on my own. I’ll never make enough to support myself and so in some ways I will always feel guilted into things by her, because I am obligated to do so because she is supporting me financially. I am grateful for that, I am. Without her I would be on the street. That is becoming clear to me. But I just….am loosing hope and faith that I will find a place that will accept the money I have with her help as well as be a nice enough area for her. I am screwed and I FEEL that I can’t stay where I am or move in behind my sister. I just can’t.

I hate feeling like this. I don’t think it will ever get better. And I can’t live in this feeling, I just can’t. I don’t want to assume that moving will solve all my problems and make me happy. I can’t even think that is a possibility anymore. But it is the only thing I have right now. I NEED this.

I don’t want to post how I am really feeling on FB because I have gotten into bad situations from doing that in the past and I don’t want my family to see it. So instead I post gif’s on my messenger’s Day and hope people will reach out. But the ones that do are too positive and try to fix it by telling me I’m depression or should look into therapy or going to a doctor or something. I won’t take medication for this. I WONT! I just need support. I just need someone to sit in the thick of the mud and crud and shit and let me wallow no matter how much I don’t want to. I want to feel seen, heard, and understood. That is all I have ever wanted my whole life.

It might be a bad decision for me to post this but….I needed to write it out. Maybe it can help someone else who is feeling the same way. I am still here. I am always here. No matter how much I hate fighting the fight, I am always still here. I deserve credit for that. Everyone who is struggling deserves credit for that.

Write you next time.

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Differently Abled (Disabled)

I want to talk about Disabilities. I just watched the two episodes of This Close that are on sundancenow.com. I have had some realizations about myself through watching them. I don’t connect or identify as having a disability in any way. I have interacted with the Deaf community and as far as I understand it they feel the same way. It is a piece of who you are but it isn’t WHO you are. You are so much MORE then what people label your specific disability as. Part of me feels like maybe I shouldn’t even write this. Because who am I? I am not disabled, not really, not compared to others out there. Plus my “disability” is unseen. No one would EVER have a clue unless I told them and what would be the point in that anyways.

I went to a brain doctor with my mom. What they do is legit. And basically I have a mild form of everything; ADD, ADHD, Anxiety, Panic attacks, depression, and other’s that I can’t remember. They also asked if I had ever had any brain damage. Which is possible but we said no. When we were meeting with the doctor and he was saying all this I felt like I was closing in on myself. It felt like he was telling me all of the things that are wrong with me and I was desperately trying not to cry. He left the room and my mom turns to me excitedly, “Isn’t this great?!” I told her how I was feeling and she explained things in a way that made me feel a little better and she ended with, “And this means we can fix it.” It was a while ago so I can’t remember if that is what she actually said but that is what I remember. I am supposed to take supplements to help but I rarely do. And then I went on living and hardly give any of it a second thought. Except maybe the depression and anxiety part when they decide to punch me in the gut and throw me to the ground.

However recently my mom has mentioned my learning disability twice in one week after years of not mentioning it. And then I watched the panel scene in the second episode of This Close. And something clicked. There is no such thing as disability. Society created that term to single out people who didn’t match up to what they consider normal and right. To make us wrong and less then. We are different which is technically a good thing. But we are TOO different. We don’t fit into the boxes and molds that people are trying to shove us into on a daily basis. We are NOT broken. We do NOT need to be fixed. We are perfect just as we are.

I say again I do NOT identify or connect in any way with having a learning disability. That is not who I am and it does not define me. I wouldn’t even know that I had it if people on the outside of my life compared me to the rest of the world and constantly told me that I struggled. Yes, I struggled in school. I excelled in English class but that was it. It was because I never gave a shit about Math, or History, or Science or any of those other subjects. And I just realized recently through a short lived job that I am incredibly smart if I am dedicated and motivated to something I am passionate about. I might have to work my ass off but I am capable of doing it. I would have never known that I have to work twice as hard as everyone else in the world just to be at the normal and standard starting space as others. The only reason I know that is because it was told to me over and over again by people I trust and who mean well and love me. If no one EVER said anything to me then I wouldn’t think anything of it. I wouldn’t go out of my way to find that out and even if I did, I wouldn’t think it applied to me. It is all I have ever known so it is my constant, my normal, and I deal with it. It only becomes harder to deal with it when people tell you how hard you in fact do have it.

I don’t know if I have said everything I wanted to on this subject or if I was clear enough. I also apologize if this is offensive in any way to anyone. This is just what I am feeling and experiencing for myself and I am not claiming that my experience is any better or worse then another persons.

Thank you for reading.

Write again later.