This blog entry is a little more venting then normal for me. It’s something that has bothered me for a while and then a similar thing happened to my friend and so now I feel the need to talk about it. It has to do with Facebook and there are a couple of different things I want to talk about. So I have been told that I express too much and share too much with the Facebook world. Well….I haven’t been blessed with great, supportive, and wonderful friends growing up so Facebook was where I turned too. When I thought I had good friends I noticed that I posted less about my feelings on Facebook status’. Facebook became the friend I needed even if it sucked as well. And my emotions are so all over the place that I am sure I come across as crazy and “over emotional.” (Still despise that word) The thing that upset me somewhat recently. Since I moved about 3 months ago. It was shortly after I moved and I was told by my sister that some of my brother-in-law’s family that I was friends with on Facebook wanted to check that I was okay because my posts made them worried. SERIOUSLY!!! I understand that his family is uber sweet and loving and caring. However why the FUCK didn’t they come and talk to ME!!! The person who posted on FB because I was trying to reach out to people and have them respond to ME!! I mean, seriously, what a concept!! If you are worried about me then you should, TALK.TO.ME!!! And people read too much into what I post. Yes, I am upset. But with me things could become fine in an hour or most likely the next day.
Along similar lines to that I would have family friends that I see in the real world. What I mean by that is that I see them outside of the interwebs and computer. And one person in particular would always say, “I follow you on Facebook.” Now I know a lot of people like things like that but to me it just feels creepy and stalkerish. And I don’t need that in my life again. Seriously, I understand that you are “keeping up with me online,” but when people say that and they NEVER comment on anything, NEVER talk to me online, AND NEVER like anything that I post, then it feels weird. I know older people probably don’t know the unspoken rules when you are online but….I mean it isn’t like I am famous or even that popular. I might understand it more then. Or if it was like on twitter or something like that it would be different but we are talking about FB.
And lastly is what happens to me and now I find out my friend too. We have been made to feel uncomfortable about what we want to post on OUR OWN fucking Facebook page. It makes other people uncomfortable or there is too much Supernatural. So you should ease up on all that. When my friend told me this happened to her as well, I went OFF!!! I am over it! I don’t give a FUCK what anyone else thinks about my page. If it makes them uncomfortable then that is not my fucking responsibility!! They should know that there is this great feature where you can block what you see from me, or stop “following” me, and that way you can see less of what makes YOU uncomfortable. That is NOT my problem and you making it my problem is just going to poke at the bear that I am becoming. And you don’t want to mess with that. I may not actually be able to kick your ass but I can tear you apart with my words. I will not change who I am and what I want to post. Facebook is an expression of me and if you don’t like any of it then you can go fuck yourself! Friends OR family. I don’t have time for that shit anymore! Stop making little comments about how it’s all I talk about. When, I am in person and around you and know you aren’t a fan of what I am I try desperately not to talk about it as long as I would otherwise out of respect for you. I am who I am and if you can’t accept that or don’t want to take the time to try to then you get to walking right out of my life. I am done and not taking this shit from other people anymore.
If I make you uncomfortable for a valid reason that doesn’t have to do with who I am or how I am choosing to express myself then that is a different matter and we can discuss it further at length at a different time. If it is because of something I said to you. I will probably feel bad and apologize because I never meant it that way. But don’t you EVER tell me to change who I am because it makes YOU uncomfortable. Because if that is the case then, I don’t give a flying fuck!
Write you next time.
I would like to preface with this is my opinion from my bad experiences. I understand that it is not going to be a popular opinion. I don’t expect anyone to agree with me.
Having said that “best” friend’s don’t exist. There is no such thing. “Best” indicates that there can only be one. However that is not the way the world uses this term. Many people talk about “one of my MANY best friends.” Growing up, from an early age I thought that the word was wrong and cruel. When talking about a “best” friend in front of other friends it hurts. It was always used around me growing up and people where NEVER using it to describe me.
Then I went to my first convention for a specific TV show that I love. I met my first and second best friend there. I was so excited because I finally had a best friend. And as soon as that one crashed and burned because she cyber stalked and cyber bullied me I had another “bestie” there to help me pick up the pieces of myself again. Only to have her get mad at me for saying something that upset her and then dropping me as a friend. So “best” friends are a lie and don’t exist. At least not for me. Which just makes it that much worse and unfair.
Now when I hear or see people online talking about their “best” friends I have a physical reaction to it. Either I stop reading, I cringe, or I become pissed off. “Lucky them.” (Sarcasm) Someone online said that their “best” friend blew them off on said person’s birthday for the second year in a row. I responded that then that friend doesn’t seem worthy of the title “best”friend.
Friends in my life tell me that they believe I will find it again in a new person. But I don’t believe them and even if I did. I could NEVER call them that again. It isn’t a safe word and opens me up to being completley barren and exposed to the knifes that people carry with them again. I can’t do that to myself again. I have a friend right now and just realized tonight that if she were to leave me how much that would hurt again. I don’t think I have put her on a pedistal like all the previous people in my life. But it feels too similar to the wonderful aspects of being a “best” friend and having one back that it terrify’s me. And I have NEVER even met her in person or heard her voice yet. I know that she will read this as well and idc. I am writing it anyways.
Think about what this word could mean for others in your life and use it carefully. That word has power. And people say big things and words without thinking. They don’t realize the power those silly little words have. It sucks and it isn’t fair. I am not weak! I am not fragile! And I deserve to be treated a hell of a lot better.
And the worst of it. Is I know this is wrong and I know it isn’t my fault but…. I am the common factor in all these situations. I try to see the best in people no matter how much or often they let me down. Maybe on some level I think I deserve it. I grew up always feeling like I was the problem because I was the youngest. Everything is always my fault. Or at least that is what everyone else thinks. It is something I am trying to deal with to this day. And it sucks ass!!!
I guess that is it for now. 😦
Write you next time.
As a Sign Language Interpreter I work many different places and many different jobs in one week. Sometimes even in one day. Because of this I have multiple boss’. I am totally fine being an employee and reporting to my boss’….at least I think I am. 😛 However with more boss’ you get more miscommunication. I always find that funny. In a profession that is all about communication we still have problems on how to communicate with one another. Something I am trying to get myself to realize is that boss’ are NOT perfect. Just because they have been doing it longer. Lets say for example…30 years doesn’t make what I bring to the table any less important. One reason I was really pissed off last week or I guess it was technically this week was because I was given “feedback” that I didn’t ask for. I put feedback in quotes because it was criticism. It felt incredibly negative and feedback has a more positive connotation.
What people fail to understand….maybe even one of my boss’ included is that everyone is different. Deaf people the same as hearing people have different ways that they choose to sign. They could sign lazy and be difficult to understand, maybe they sign things inaccurately or maybe they are super clear and articulate making them that much easier to understand. So the fact that I didn’t tap the specific sign twice isn’t that big of a deal. The student understood and looks at me mouthing the words at the same time. It didn’t change the message. But I need a mentor, is what she says. And my immediate thought and reaction is….”I work at the agency every day and don’t get home till 4 when you all leave the office and go home so I don’t have time to be mentored PLUS and this is a biggie, I don’t trust any of you FUCKERS!!”
I team with my boss for this specific class that meets once a week. And in my opinion she is not a good interpreter. Her signing space is too small which feels to me like she is whispering or trying to be less noticeable, she fingerspells like a mad woman and I have no idea what she is saying half the time, she misses information, has trouble hearing things in class and hardly looks at me to support me when I am interpreting. Also NORMALLY when in a team situation you switch back and forth every 20 mins. The first day she said that she leaves that in control of the person who is interpreting in the moment. Okay….here is where I get pissed!! I have NEVER heard of that before!! There is an incredibly good reason why we NEED to switch. Our brains and bodies and hands get tired and we need a little break. It doesn’t matter how good you think you are doing. Plus this class is NOT easy to interpret and not having a set time to switch back and forth means that I have NO IDEA when I start interpreting. SO anyways I interpreted most of this class. Because the way she asked if I wanted to switch was by asking if I was….”okay?” SERIOUSLY???!!!! WHAT….THE…..FUCK….?!! THat is NOT how you ask. And now it is MY FAULT that we didn’t switch. So I told her that I am so focused on interpreting that I can’t pay attention to the time as well. It is just one more thing for me and I don’t have the time to focus on that while at the same time doing the hard job that is interpreting. I think I was clear with her now but next week I’ll remind her and see how that goes. That is if she shows up before the fucking class has ALREADY STARTED!!! One comment was like, “you interpreted a long time for a beginning interpreter.” It felt incredibly condescending. And EXCUSE ME but it may be my first semester working at this college but it is my THIRD year as an interpreter. So how DARE you treat me like a baby interpreter. Yes, I am still a beginner….technically…maybe more intermediate BUT this is not my first class or my first time interpreting. I AM NOT A CHILD!!! I am used to the past college I worked at giving me 2/3 hour classes FUCKING SOLO because she was horrendous at her job and was incredibly disrespectful. Yes I was struggling a bit but if my BOSS sees that then it shouldn’t matter that I didn’t switch us, she needed to take the initiative and make us switch anyways. It’s hard when I look to her and she is looking at the teacher or anywhere but at me. ARRRGGGHHH!!!
All this to say, I need to realize that this boss is FAAARRR from perfect and just because they say something doesn’t mean they are right. They are just humans as well and she is retiring at the end of the semester plus this class only meets once a week. Plus I have a high school client that ADORES me and complains about how shitty my sub/potential replacement is. The Deaf like me and appreciate me. It is the hearing boss’ that make my life more difficult. I adjust because different education systems have different rules for interpreters and some of the lines get blurry. I am trained for College but have adjusted to working in High School and I think I am doing great! So, FUCK, everyone else.
It doesn’t matter your skill level or how many years you have been interpreting. You can gain knowledge and insight from anyone. Everyone has had different experiences and I might know a new sign that I learned from a Deaf person that the “pro” does not. We can still learn from one another. Just because I haven’t been doing it as long doesn’t make me any less skilled as an interpreter.
This is still a fresh upset for me and as you will come to find out I enjoy cursing in my every day life. I might even write a blog about that some time.
Thanks for reading. Write you next time.