Cynical Realism

I used to be this positive person. Someone who believed the best in people, gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and way more chances then they deserved. I thought that the people you grew up with were supposed to be who you were friends with forever. Then I got used, emotional abused, and taken advantage of one too many times. Now I don’t know who that positive person is or if she even exists anymore. I was harassed by the first person I ever decided to finally call my “best friend.” I was correct to be wary of that word. No place was safe. Then my friend who helped me through that dumped me a few months afterwards, blaming it on something I had said that she couldn’t deal with. So, once again everything is my fault.

Now I trust no one. It sounds awful but it is true. People have to earn my trust and even when they do I don’t trust that they will stick around forever. People change, grow and evolve. However some don’t. How is it even possible for two people to grow together? I have become cynical and I hate that I have. However I have also become more realistic. Everyone will let you down at some point in your life. The only person you can really count on is yourself. No matter what happens in my life, no matter how often I get punched to the ground. I always get back up. I don’t even know how I do it. I think it is because I have no other choice.

I want to trust. I want to love. But the pain hurts so much that I am in a constant battle between my heart and my brain. It’s a tug a war and no one is winning. I am strong. I am strong because I have to be. Because for me there is no other choice in the matter. I face everything head on because I always come out the other side somehow. It sucks and I hate it because I deserve better. I deserve someone to come into my life and fix everything. Someone to change my mind. But really I am the only person capable of changing my thinking and perspective. Everything takes time and it is still fresh enough that it hurts and I am desperately still trying to protect myself. I don’t want to get hurt again. The pain is too much. But I can’t help myself. I always care and trust to a certain extent. It’s a constant struggle. Time heals all wounds but I HATE having to wait. And even when it is more healed it won’t stop it from ever being a sore spot and bruise. It will just become something I am accustomed to and wont hurt or be as painful but it will still always be there. Just like all of the punches, cuts, bruises and scars on my heart and soul. We all have them and we all have to find a way to live with them and learn from them. That is our life.

Write again later.

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