Bitch! WTF is your Problem?!

I am in rehearsals for a play called Dark Road. It is about an all female concentration camp during the Holocaust. My character is a female guard and the cast is made up of wonderful people…..for the most part. Last night was a bad, bad, night. Bad, bad, bad night. I got their a tad bit early to walk with one of the characters to get coffee. I don’t drink but I wanted to hang out with her alone because we hadn’t gotten to do that yet. I really like her and her energy. As we were walking the 3 mins to coffee she shared some very personal stuff about her life with me. Things that she doesn’t share with just anyone. That isn’t the first time something like that has happened with me. I create a very safe space for people to feel comfortable being themselves so often times I hear, “I don’t know why I am telling you all of this.” Which she said a couple of times during our walk. And I contributed to the conversation as well and we both got distracted and stuff like that. It was very nice. She isn’t the Bitch that this post is about because she isn’t a bitch to me. I had been having trouble staying awake all day. On my hour commute to and from work and then also on my drive to rehearsal as well. I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Another thing you need to know about this awesome girl is that she knows some Sign Language. If you haven’t read any of my previous posts, I am a Sign Language Interpreter. She has taken classes before and wants to become an interpreter as well so every so often we will sign together during rehearsal.

So……in comes this really sweet woman. She always has something nice to say about everyone and talks….too much but it’s okay because it is normally nice things about you or the play. She isn’t present for rehearsals often since normally they are closed rehearsal meant only for the actors. However this woman is also in charge of costumes for the play as well as the mother of one of the actors in the play. She is also a holocaust survivor herself so I understand that, that must come with a ton of scars, trauma, etc. However that is no excuse! So anyways, the other cast member and I are signing during a meeting in order to be respectful and less disruptive. She is saying it would be fun if for the Gala night she sings a song while I interpret it. Then I ask her about a specific song. And then all of the sudden the woman who wasn’t even paying attention to us when we started signing is livid and yelling at the two of us in front of the whole cast. Okay the cast isn’t that many people but still!!! Saying that we probably don’t believe her but that she is deaf and that she reads our lips and how disrespectful that is. I am a sign language interpreter and that means that she is technically deaf but she doesn’t identify as a Deaf person. Because that would mean that she is a part of the Deaf community and knows sign language. Most Deaf people use sign language and are appreciative if you are using it when around them so they aren’t lost. Yes we weren’t talking at the same time……So basically she was attaching me as a human being because I was trying to be respectful and she was attacking my profession as an interpreter. To my fucking face! I would have spoken up for myself but I was on the verge of tears and was trying to hold myself together.

However that girl I went to coffee with did it for me. Angry she said, “Can I say something to that?” Basically asking if she had to take that or if she could speak up for herself. She spoke directly to the woman saying that if she has a problem she shouldn’t have done it in front of everyone. She should have waited until a break or after rehearsal to come up to her individually and say something. So of course the woman countered that she was talking to both of us not just the girl speaking up for herself. The girl said that we were trying to be respectful and non disruptive.

We weren’t disruptive but everything about this woman, even when she is positive is a disruption. She talks all the time and has no gage of when it is too much, inappropriate and when she should stop. Her daughter is the female guard opposite me and I thought we could be friends but now I am closing up to her at least on the inside. Even though she isn’t her mother I still feel they are close and it is no longer safe for me to be friends with her.

The other upsetting thing is I didn’t have energy for any of this. Then the director is great and always tells us how amazing we each are and what we did great with our character before we leave for rehearsal and I couldn’t receive the wonderful thing she said about me. And the girl thought it was important that if the director talked to her about it after rehearsal that I should be there as well. But instead she needed to talk to the actor alone about something that wasn’t related to that. I got my stuff and whispered to the girl, “So I guess I waited for nothing,” exhausted I went to my car and bawled for about 15 mins before I drove home where two cars almost hit me on the freeway. I am a GOOD driver but everyone was in some god damn hurry at 10:15 at night?!! What the fuck!

I woke up this morning and texted the girl to see if she talked to the director about things. She “gets” me. She is my hero. This is what her text said, “Well basically I told her that it made you and I very pissed off and very uncomfortable. I threw some real shit in there, I hope you don’t mind. I said, ‘How do you think that makes quean29 feel? She already feels like she doesn’t have any friends and now someone just stripped her of the one thing that she knows and loves doing. How dare L do that.’ She just doesn’t have any right. That’s what pisses me off so bad.” That is exactly partly how I am feeling. I really felt like she channeled for me in the moment with L as well. I mean she has all the knowledge about Deaf culture so it makes sense. I am just used to being the person who is educating people. And the girl has worked with this woman before and so she doesn’t take her shit.

I posted on FB trying to get support. And I got a lot of support which normally works and at least helps me feel a little better. I want it to, that’s why I posted about it….vaguely. However nothing is hitting me in that way or making me feel better. And the whole time writing this I am trying not to cry. It is too painful and I am so SICK of crying for days about one thing or another. I get that I am transitioning and transforming to my new life in many ways all at once and I am turning 30 next month but I just need a day or so break. I think I deserve that! Why do I have to cry so deeply everyday? I don’t care that I am an empath and super in touch with my feelings. There has to be a better way then having to experience this much pain all the time. Well….so much for not crying.

I know this is longer then most my posts but I had to at least get it down. Man, do I need that massage I am getting at 4pm today……

Write you next time.

There were so many better ways she could have approached us. Tell us politely and nicely to stop because it was bothering her which we both would have apologized and totally done. Instead she became a guard. Those who she despises and who tortured people….maybe even her. And without a warning ATTACKED!! Thank GOD it wasn’t just me…..but in some ways it felt like it was mostly me. Because that is who I am as a person!

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“Inside Out”

I have been thinking about the movie Inside Out. I saw it all the way through in the movie theatre once. When I first saw the movie I related to the character Sadness. I told people this and it wasn’t received well. My voice teacher at the time made me feel like I was wrong and crazy. She said that we should all strive to be more like the character, Happiness. But I HATED that character! She is selfish, self centered, know it all, who thinks she is right about everything. She remains overly positive in hopeless situations. This is what is wrong with our society.

Society embraces the belief that everyone needs to stay happy all the time and that showing sadness is a weakness, pathetic, and people who do that in public are pathetic. Sadness in the movie had WAAAAYYY more redeeming qualities. She would sit and listen when someone was upset. She never claimed to be right about everything. And even though Happiness was judgemental and made her feel like everything she did and who she is was wrong; Sadness never stopped being herself. That is something that we should all aspire to. No matter what, always being true to ourselves. That doesn’t mean that others opinion’s won’t hurt or damage us because we are caring people. But they can’t change who we are and should NEVER try to because who we are, is fucking awesome and the BEST! We are who we are and the rest of the world needs to butt out and stop giving their opinions on things that don’t affect them.

People in my life just completely missed the whole message of the movie. EVERYTHING comes from and starts with Sadness. Without Sadness we can’t appreciate any of the other emotions. You never are just ONE emotion. Recently in the past few years, all the times I get angry what is really the underlying emotion is sadness and hurt. I become angry in order to protect myself and create a boundary and it is more appropriate in public until I can have some time away from people in a safe space to deal with the real emotion which is sadness. We all experience multiple emotions at once. If we were only happy, or sad, or envious, or angry all the time then that is unbalanced. Emotions all work together to create, experience, and help us grow/transform. Through pain and sadness we can find happiness to help give us motivation and strength to push through.

Going back and looking at Sadness. I am HAPPY that I relate more to her. She is awesome and I no longer see that as a bad thing. And that is good. 🙂

Write you next time.