Am I Really Enough?

I have had my own issues and struggles in my life as everyone does. Some issue that has recently been popping up more consistently, aggressively, and more often is that I don’t feel like I am enough. I grew up with friends only wanting me around for my presence and thinking that, that was okay and/or acceptable. It never was for me; I even tried to reach out to one friend and ask her to make more of an effort to include me. She agreed to but nothing changed. So I spent much of my time in high school choosing to sit alone because that felt better then being surrounded that people who didn’t really care about me. Most of my friends that didn’t work out in the long run didn’t treat me right or blamed me for all our problems. I was always the bad guy. I am sick of that shit!!

I KNOW who I am! I know what kind of person I am. I know that I am worthy, and that I have a lot to offer up into any situation I am in. I AM enough. So how can I know all of those things about myself and still struggle on a daily basis with not feeling like enough? Nothing I do is ever enough. I try my hardest and damndest but if I fall short or quit then I wasn’t enough. If I don’t do well enough or right by my family and friends then I am not enough. The last friend I called my “best friend” told me that everything I felt was valid. My personality is composed of mostly questions. If you are friends with me then almost everything in our communication will be questions, some curiosity questions, etc. She made me feel like all of that was fine and I didn’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing. Until she took something I said the wrong way and couldn’t get over herself. That is not my fault. But she ripped the rug out from underneath me. I had given up. I wanted friends that were like family, but apparently that wasn’t for me which was so unfair because I am a great person and I deserve that kind of happiness in my life. I would just have to learn to be happy being alone for the rest of my life. And then new people came into my life. That I now want to call my biological family my bio’s and my friend family my Family. But I still hesitate. I can’t fully let go and trust that they are going to stay. Everyone leaves me. Parents are divorced. I went to college, dad moved away, Sister moved away as soon as she could, and then mom was the last to move away. My friends typically change every year. I have maybe a couple of friends that have stuck around but I am not that close with them and they NEVER live close to me. I want to trust. I want to let go. I want to know that I can fall and they will always be there to catch me. They tell me that they will never leave me but those words are falling on my now deaf ears. Those words are hallow and mean nothing to me. No one is capable of promising something like that. They don’t know. Everyone changes and grows and evolves and in my experience it a growing apart not together. I might come around eventually but that scar is deep in my heart. I don’t know that I will ever allow myself to fully trust another person again. I want to protect myself while at the same time I don’t want to miss out on things because of fear holding me back. Its a big push and pull I am living with. Maybe once I meet them in person it might make things feel more clear and real to me.

I know that I am enough. More then enough. Maybe I’m just not connecting with feeling it. I know it but I can’t FEEL it.

I guess that’s it for now.

Write later.

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Cynical Realism

I used to be this positive person. Someone who believed the best in people, gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and way more chances then they deserved. I thought that the people you grew up with were supposed to be who you were friends with forever. Then I got used, emotional abused, and taken advantage of one too many times. Now I don’t know who that positive person is or if she even exists anymore. I was harassed by the first person I ever decided to finally call my “best friend.” I was correct to be wary of that word. No place was safe. Then my friend who helped me through that dumped me a few months afterwards, blaming it on something I had said that she couldn’t deal with. So, once again everything is my fault.

Now I trust no one. It sounds awful but it is true. People have to earn my trust and even when they do I don’t trust that they will stick around forever. People change, grow and evolve. However some don’t. How is it even possible for two people to grow together? I have become cynical and I hate that I have. However I have also become more realistic. Everyone will let you down at some point in your life. The only person you can really count on is yourself. No matter what happens in my life, no matter how often I get punched to the ground. I always get back up. I don’t even know how I do it. I think it is because I have no other choice.

I want to trust. I want to love. But the pain hurts so much that I am in a constant battle between my heart and my brain. It’s a tug a war and no one is winning. I am strong. I am strong because I have to be. Because for me there is no other choice in the matter. I face everything head on because I always come out the other side somehow. It sucks and I hate it because I deserve better. I deserve someone to come into my life and fix everything. Someone to change my mind. But really I am the only person capable of changing my thinking and perspective. Everything takes time and it is still fresh enough that it hurts and I am desperately still trying to protect myself. I don’t want to get hurt again. The pain is too much. But I can’t help myself. I always care and trust to a certain extent. It’s a constant struggle. Time heals all wounds but I HATE having to wait. And even when it is more healed it won’t stop it from ever being a sore spot and bruise. It will just become something I am accustomed to and wont hurt or be as painful but it will still always be there. Just like all of the punches, cuts, bruises and scars on my heart and soul. We all have them and we all have to find a way to live with them and learn from them. That is our life.

Write again later.