Pain Resides

My brain says I miss you but that is a lie.
I miss who I thought you were.
I miss who I got to be with you.
I miss all the memories and good times we had together.

I don’t miss the drama.
I don’t miss your negativity like an anvil dragging me down.
I don’t miss YOU.
I don’t miss the pain you caused me when you left.
I don’t miss you dumping me like you dump your trash.
I don’t want you back in my life.

You are my angel for stepping out of my life.
I could never have left you.
Thank you.

I HATE you!
I hate you for leaving me alone.
I hate that you were my only friend.
I hate that I gave everything of myself to you.
I hate that you make me feel unloveable.
I hate that your love was conditional.
I hate how much you damaged me.
I hate how I can no longer trust.
I hate that you came back into my life when I was healing nicely.
I hate that now I have to start all over again.
I hate that you make me feel broken.
I hate that you will never fully leave my mind.

I showed you my scars.
I showed you my wounds.
I showed you my pain.
I showed you my worst.
You said it was okay.
You said you still loved me.
You nurtured my pain and broken pieces
And then you stomped all over my face.
You became one of those scarred pieces on my heart.
I gave you my heart.
Trusted you with it.
And I was wrong.
You never get to see my heart again.

I miss you.
My angel.

Now STAY gone.


Bitch! WTF is your Problem?!

I am in rehearsals for a play called Dark Road. It is about an all female concentration camp during the Holocaust. My character is a female guard and the cast is made up of wonderful people…..for the most part. Last night was a bad, bad, night. Bad, bad, bad night. I got their a tad bit early to walk with one of the characters to get coffee. I don’t drink but I wanted to hang out with her alone because we hadn’t gotten to do that yet. I really like her and her energy. As we were walking the 3 mins to coffee she shared some very personal stuff about her life with me. Things that she doesn’t share with just anyone. That isn’t the first time something like that has happened with me. I create a very safe space for people to feel comfortable being themselves so often times I hear, “I don’t know why I am telling you all of this.” Which she said a couple of times during our walk. And I contributed to the conversation as well and we both got distracted and stuff like that. It was very nice. She isn’t the Bitch that this post is about because she isn’t a bitch to me. I had been having trouble staying awake all day. On my hour commute to and from work and then also on my drive to rehearsal as well. I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Another thing you need to know about this awesome girl is that she knows some Sign Language. If you haven’t read any of my previous posts, I am a Sign Language Interpreter. She has taken classes before and wants to become an interpreter as well so every so often we will sign together during rehearsal.

So……in comes this really sweet woman. She always has something nice to say about everyone and talks….too much but it’s okay because it is normally nice things about you or the play. She isn’t present for rehearsals often since normally they are closed rehearsal meant only for the actors. However this woman is also in charge of costumes for the play as well as the mother of one of the actors in the play. She is also a holocaust survivor herself so I understand that, that must come with a ton of scars, trauma, etc. However that is no excuse! So anyways, the other cast member and I are signing during a meeting in order to be respectful and less disruptive. She is saying it would be fun if for the Gala night she sings a song while I interpret it. Then I ask her about a specific song. And then all of the sudden the woman who wasn’t even paying attention to us when we started signing is livid and yelling at the two of us in front of the whole cast. Okay the cast isn’t that many people but still!!! Saying that we probably don’t believe her but that she is deaf and that she reads our lips and how disrespectful that is. I am a sign language interpreter and that means that she is technically deaf but she doesn’t identify as a Deaf person. Because that would mean that she is a part of the Deaf community and knows sign language. Most Deaf people use sign language and are appreciative if you are using it when around them so they aren’t lost. Yes we weren’t talking at the same time……So basically she was attaching me as a human being because I was trying to be respectful and she was attacking my profession as an interpreter. To my fucking face! I would have spoken up for myself but I was on the verge of tears and was trying to hold myself together.

However that girl I went to coffee with did it for me. Angry she said, “Can I say something to that?” Basically asking if she had to take that or if she could speak up for herself. She spoke directly to the woman saying that if she has a problem she shouldn’t have done it in front of everyone. She should have waited until a break or after rehearsal to come up to her individually and say something. So of course the woman countered that she was talking to both of us not just the girl speaking up for herself. The girl said that we were trying to be respectful and non disruptive.

We weren’t disruptive but everything about this woman, even when she is positive is a disruption. She talks all the time and has no gage of when it is too much, inappropriate and when she should stop. Her daughter is the female guard opposite me and I thought we could be friends but now I am closing up to her at least on the inside. Even though she isn’t her mother I still feel they are close and it is no longer safe for me to be friends with her.

The other upsetting thing is I didn’t have energy for any of this. Then the director is great and always tells us how amazing we each are and what we did great with our character before we leave for rehearsal and I couldn’t receive the wonderful thing she said about me. And the girl thought it was important that if the director talked to her about it after rehearsal that I should be there as well. But instead she needed to talk to the actor alone about something that wasn’t related to that. I got my stuff and whispered to the girl, “So I guess I waited for nothing,” exhausted I went to my car and bawled for about 15 mins before I drove home where two cars almost hit me on the freeway. I am a GOOD driver but everyone was in some god damn hurry at 10:15 at night?!! What the fuck!

I woke up this morning and texted the girl to see if she talked to the director about things. She “gets” me. She is my hero. This is what her text said, “Well basically I told her that it made you and I very pissed off and very uncomfortable. I threw some real shit in there, I hope you don’t mind. I said, ‘How do you think that makes quean29 feel? She already feels like she doesn’t have any friends and now someone just stripped her of the one thing that she knows and loves doing. How dare L do that.’ She just doesn’t have any right. That’s what pisses me off so bad.” That is exactly partly how I am feeling. I really felt like she channeled for me in the moment with L as well. I mean she has all the knowledge about Deaf culture so it makes sense. I am just used to being the person who is educating people. And the girl has worked with this woman before and so she doesn’t take her shit.

I posted on FB trying to get support. And I got a lot of support which normally works and at least helps me feel a little better. I want it to, that’s why I posted about it….vaguely. However nothing is hitting me in that way or making me feel better. And the whole time writing this I am trying not to cry. It is too painful and I am so SICK of crying for days about one thing or another. I get that I am transitioning and transforming to my new life in many ways all at once and I am turning 30 next month but I just need a day or so break. I think I deserve that! Why do I have to cry so deeply everyday? I don’t care that I am an empath and super in touch with my feelings. There has to be a better way then having to experience this much pain all the time. Well….so much for not crying.

I know this is longer then most my posts but I had to at least get it down. Man, do I need that massage I am getting at 4pm today……

Write you next time.

There were so many better ways she could have approached us. Tell us politely and nicely to stop because it was bothering her which we both would have apologized and totally done. Instead she became a guard. Those who she despises and who tortured people….maybe even her. And without a warning ATTACKED!! Thank GOD it wasn’t just me…..but in some ways it felt like it was mostly me. Because that is who I am as a person!

The Actor’s Pain

I had a great couple of days. And then today happened. I recently decided that I want to be an actor. I have been involved in theatre for a few years and I hate auditions. However I have started auditioning for Films and I enjoy being in front of the camera so much more.

I had something as an extra today. And everything that could go wrong went wrong. And so I ended up unable to do it and came back home. I learned a lot about how to read a Call Sheet. I never realized that I don’t think I have ever seen or read one before. However I couldn’t help but feel like I was wrong in some ways. I read the address wrong and therefore went to the wrong place. However those who should have been in contact with me were not. I was initially told to be there at 5pm with all the other extras and then the director emailed me at 2:03pm that call time was at 3pm. I didn’t receive that email until 2:30pm and then when I got everything ready I arrived and spent an hour looking for them at the wrong location. And of course the reason I freak out and start crying when I FINALLY get a hold of someone to rudely explain, barely, what happened. I am afraid that I burned a bridge before I even got in the business.

I would give up on acting in a second if it didn’t do so much for me. It fills my soul. Something that even theatre can’t do for me anymore. And I can’t give up on something that fills my soul up that much even if it is sparatic and I don’t know if and when it will ever happen. It is another reason why I am obsessed and addicted to the app, Dubsmash.

So, I come home and sit into my funk. This is the type of feeling that nothing can bring you out of. Where you know you will be happy again but you just need to sit in the funky feeling for a while. Maybe you could call it a little bit of wallowing. I don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything. And that is always a huge thing for me because I always need to talk it out with friends. Finally I make myself walk across the street to get food. After I eat. I feel a little better. I have also figured out that baths seem to help me feel better but I don’t want to take one because it takes too much effort to get it all together. I am strong and can handle so much and I have. I just hate that I have to do that. I pick myself back up and continue every time I am knocked down because I don’t have any other choice. I just have to.

Write you later.

Bad Day

At this moment I am sitting in the dark of my apartment. All my lights are turned out and I am in a negative mindset. I have had another very difficult day. Even though nothing has really gone that wrong. If I could just change my perspective to a more positive one. At this moment I am definitely a glass half empty girl. So much for me feeling like I didn’t have anything to write about on this blog today.

I recently moved 7 hrs away from the city that I was born and raised in. I moved mainly to be closer to my sister but also because I was unhappy where I was. But this is the biggest change I have ever voluntarily done for myself and it is so much harder and emotional then I expected it to be. I have only been here a few months and I already need a break from my life. 😦

I am still unpacking and beating myself up that I am not done yet. I have done so much today and it feels like nothing because I am so far from being done. Plus people are coming to town in a couple weeks and I STILL wont be ready for them. What I did today :

~ Went to my Spiritual Center for Service
~ Went to and ate Subway
~ Bought Groceries, got home, and put them away
~ Went to Uhal to drop of some empty boxes and such while also hoping to run into the man who told me I was Gorgeous last time I was there. I didn’t see him. 😦
~ Got gas in my car so I am ready fro my commute tomorrow to work at the place that I am happy to be back at. After being moved around so much last week I am grateful to be back.

Then I arrived home and started to feel myself going to my dark place. It always begins with negative thoughts. ‘I didn’t do enough today. I did so much but it isn’t enough because look at how much further you have to go. You are no where near finishing and it will never happen. When have you every finished unpacking?” And then I received a phone call that I should NOT have answered from a family member. Clearly she was stressed out and frustrated so she was using her pissy voice. I can’t handle shit anymore. I can’t talk on the phone with AAA so they email me. It’s been days and I STILL can’t bring myself to even look at that email. I still need to do my laundry (sheets) because I haven’t done them in too long. My weekend is seriously Saturday. Because I spend all of Sunday preparing for work Monday.

I hang up the phone and realize that one of the things I have always wanted to be as an actor is no longer possible. And I can never have the opportunity or possibility to do it again. I know that sounds close minded. But this is a senior high school film project where I was a “Deaf friend.” It is basically an extra role and I don’t know that I really had a lines. BUT….it is a Deaf character. And because I think it is a high school production it might not actually get that big. Because the Deaf frown upon hearing people playing Deaf characters because that takes away roles from them. Which is completely understandable. So that is what I mean by I will NEVER get this chance again but I now live 7 hrs away and they are only filming that on one day during that week. And I just cant go for only one day. Plus I have been connecting with the two main actors online and I was excited to go back. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. But because I am upset, I don’t see why I should even continue to help consult with the Sign Language. What’s the point? I need to see when my work’s Spring Break is. Maybe I can still make it work somehow.

I just feel like there is always something going on that I am stressed or upset about and it makes me feel like I am a crazy person. Can it really just be because I have a lot of stress in my life from basically starting over? More going on in my life then I have ever had before and I don’t feel like I will ever be able to figure out how to handle it. Plus I am pressuring myself so that whenever anyone else wether it be family or friends make one small comment that validates that I am failing, it just excentuates (how do you spell?) my pain. I am taking all of my supplements even if I am starting to run out of one and keep forgetting to call and see what name they changed it to. I always find myself thinking, “What is wrong with me?” And I am crying on and off while typing this. I know this is a shitty way to end this blog today but I got nothing. And this is where my brain is stopping things.

Sorry to be a downer. (I need to stop apologizing for myself!)

Write you next time.