I’m not okay

My life is not bad. I actually have a lot going for me. I just got this really great job that makes me happy. It is the best work environment that I have ever been in and it is just a Candy Store. 😛 My boss is amazing, my coworkers are amazing. I am happy whenever I am there.
And then I come home.
I am no longer okay. I don’t know if work just distracts me from how I really am feeling but….idk.

I moved close to my niece when I found out my sister was pregnant. A few months after me my mom followed. Now we all live within a mile of each other. That should be wonderful and bring us all together right? Apparently not for me. Ever since my sister was old enough to drive she has spend as much time out of the house as possible. She traveled abroad during the summers when she could and as soon as she was of age to go to college she went hours away and then flights away. My parents got divorced when I was a senior in High School if I remember correctly. My dad got a condo until I graduated and then moved to Washington State. Then years later my mom sold the house I grew up in, was living in again because I had, had to move back home and she moved 3 hours away and then 5 hours away. I have spent all of my adult life away from my family. I don’t know HOW to be a full time member anymore, if I ever did in the first place. And all I feel is the pressure to do so and that I am not doing a good enough job. Like I am not even trying. And all this at a time in my life when I was just starting to discover who I am as an individual apart from what my parents expectations, hopes, and dreams were/are for me. Now I am depressed. Any time I am not at work. And I hate bringing that to any interaction with my niece. Not that she notices but you know that babies are sponges. I don’t want to be the one to fuck her up. I can’t. That is what I desperately want to protect her from.

Even when I am happy I feel this darkness inside of me. I would never do anything to hurt myself. However I still have thoughts about how I wish I could just be gone so that then people would really understand how, not okay I am right now. Because I can’t tell them. Especially my family and I have my reasons as to why. Mom will say that it runs in the family because she was depressed during her marriage to my dad. I am very careful with who I talk to about this because you can’t trust people. They will either make too big of a deal out of it, make it seem too normal which invalidates my feelings, or they will tell you to go to therapy. I am all for therapy but it just….to spend the time for the professional to get up to date on my life and extra money I prefer not to use because #1 I don’t really have extra money for something like that…It’s just too much work. I went starting at 3 years old. Then I stopped for a few years, until my parents got divorced and went back again. Always the same woman. Now I don’t live there anymore and would have to start all over again. I feel like no one cares and I am all alone. Which is inaccurate because most people have no idea what I am going through because I haven’t told them. And others are going through similar things as me, apparently. I am actually SICK of people with the generic, “How are you?” Because no matter how much I want to answer truthfully I can’t. It pisses me off how that is what our world is now. People don’t want and are not ready for my real answer. I am NOT okay. That is how I am. I have graduated from bawling but I still cry everyday. I am broken, and damaged. The other day I got back from a couple hours with my mom and was beside myself. I complain too much, am a difficult friend, its why I don’t have any friends. I am too difficult. I am not worth it. No one cares. I’ll always be alone. No one will ever want to take the time to be with me because I am too critical and get emotional and upset about everything. I just bring them down. I’m too much trouble and too needy.

I need to move away but I love my job, I love my niece. But my feelings are affecting how happy I am around her. And I get judgmental support from my family. I only have two options according to…..Stay where I am, or moved into the unit behind my sister. But I NEED to be 5-15 mins away in distance from them minimum that way I can still work at the same place. I just need a little distance and space. All the signs the Universe is providing me is fucking confusing. I don’t make enough to live alone. My mom has been financially supporting me basically forever. Even when I do live on my own. I’ll never make enough to support myself and so in some ways I will always feel guilted into things by her, because I am obligated to do so because she is supporting me financially. I am grateful for that, I am. Without her I would be on the street. That is becoming clear to me. But I just….am loosing hope and faith that I will find a place that will accept the money I have with her help as well as be a nice enough area for her. I am screwed and I FEEL that I can’t stay where I am or move in behind my sister. I just can’t.

I hate feeling like this. I don’t think it will ever get better. And I can’t live in this feeling, I just can’t. I don’t want to assume that moving will solve all my problems and make me happy. I can’t even think that is a possibility anymore. But it is the only thing I have right now. I NEED this.

I don’t want to post how I am really feeling on FB because I have gotten into bad situations from doing that in the past and I don’t want my family to see it. So instead I post gif’s on my messenger’s Day and hope people will reach out. But the ones that do are too positive and try to fix it by telling me I’m depression or should look into therapy or going to a doctor or something. I won’t take medication for this. I WONT! I just need support. I just need someone to sit in the thick of the mud and crud and shit and let me wallow no matter how much I don’t want to. I want to feel seen, heard, and understood. That is all I have ever wanted my whole life.

It might be a bad decision for me to post this but….I needed to write it out. Maybe it can help someone else who is feeling the same way. I am still here. I am always here. No matter how much I hate fighting the fight, I am always still here. I deserve credit for that. Everyone who is struggling deserves credit for that.

Write you next time.

Good Days

I wanted to write sooner but I didn’t have the time. And now that I have some time back I am not exactly sure what I want to say, just that I want to write again. Everyone has good and bad days. That is part of life.

Okay, let me start again. I wrote what is above a while ago. Then got distracted by life as one does. Now I am excited to write about my 2 wonderful days in a row where nothing too remarkable happened and yet I am on Cloud 9. Just a heads up. Since I am talking about two full days, this is going to be long. So my sister’s birthday was March 16, yesterday. Wow…so much has happened that it feels like way longer then yesterday. Anyways I need to start of with talking about work..:

I really didn’t want to go to work even though it is the closer job and it is only an hour and 15 mins. I didn’t want to have to deal with my “team” and I don’t feel supported enough to even use that word, but there it is. Anyways, I got there earlier then normal so I didn’t have to stress about being on time/late. I come out of the elevator and standing next to the door is a different woman that I have worked with once before and is super sweet. I like her a lot. I ran quickly to the bathroom because the student wasn’t there yet. As I was walking back down the hallway my team, lets call her Dee, is coming to ask me a question. She was totally following my lead because it is normally my class. Long story short….kinda :P, I interpreted for 40 mins and she interpreted for 15. To begin with, that pissed me off. I almost felt as if I was being tested and she was going to report back to my boss’. But, I had over reacted. We ended up walking back to our cars together. And she said that she was so happy I interpreted for most of it because she was looking at em working my ASS OFF interpreting in as much English structure as I could because the student was more English anyways and trying to see what signs I used for specific things. I was literally sweating. Seriously. She apparently thought to herself, “I can’t do that. It’s too much work.” But I am also more comfortable that way because I don’t want to miss any important information. However he was talking way faster then normal because he had to give them all the information from two lectures in one class time. She said I kept up with him (the teacher) well. And that after her car accident she fell way behind in her signing so I actually have been in the profession and interpreting for two years longer then her. And I don’t know if I could have done more ASL grammatical structure in that class or not. I’m happy I don’t need to find out. I needed that type of positive feedback. I mean we all do. All the time. And I really appreciated it. Plus the client seemed to understand and after each class she thanks both interpreters and sometimes students don’t do that. I mean I never expect it. It shows how much you genuinely appreciates what we provide for her. So that was one thing that made me exceptionally happy.

Now it was my sisters birthday so I don’t need to do much about that. What I want to talk about happened while at her house and seemed like a negative at the time but turned into a positive by the end of the night. My mom was in town and had overdone it. She was burnt out and that is never good with anyone but especially with her. I also need to preface with the fact that for as long as I can remember I have had a problem with feet. I don’t like other peoples feet touching me or even getting close to me. There is a point to this I promise. Stick with me. I am more okay when people are wearing socks as long as I know they are clean. To show you how bad it is, I don’t even like to touch my own feet. It doesn’t matter how clean they are, or if I just got out of the shower. Your feet touch the floor and the floor you walk on is dirty. I think it makes sense. So if I touch my feet I right afterwards have to wash my hands. This is probably the weirdest thing about me. But I mean, everyone has something odd like this about themselves as well. So anyways, my feet are cold and so I put them under my sisters blanket. Shortly after my moms feet join under the same blanket which makes me incredibly uncomfortable to start with but she doesn’t care. Then I feel skin touch skin, I react by lifting my legs up and trying to move further into the corner. She things I am “over-reacting.” There is the fucking word again! And the words that, for lack of a better word, Killed me were, “You know what, you just need to get over it.”……….. There is not a long enough pause I can put after that. She is smiling and basically laughing at me as we stare down each other. Normally I break down and laugh but I am FUCKING PISSED!! However it is my sister’s birthday and she is sitting right next to me. In the past I am known to always create problems so I have to control myself however there is no way I can let this go in the moment. I HAVE to say SOMETHING. I have never been more clear in my life. I said, “you are really upsetting me and making me feel crazy and like an awful person and you need to stop it right now.” She proceeds to continue to smile at me and laugh with her eyes and that makes me even more angry. Either she doesn’t get it or she doesn’t care. In the moment it felt like she didn’t care because it didn’t matter to me if she didn’t get it. Somehow we ignored and moved past it which I also didn’t want. So I decided since it wasn’t the time or place I would wait till we were alone at the end of the day and talk to her about it then.

Then at the end of the night we arrive home and park in my apartment pod for my car. When my neighbors come out as well. Now the day before my mom had gotten to meet the successful actor that lived next door. Her husband is the first neighbor I met when I moved in and I have seen him around during the 2 months since I moved in. But I was starting to wonder if she really existed. Anyways, so my mom was lucky enough to have met her and lay all the ground word for me. She told her all the important information about me. And then FINALLY last night I.MET.HER!!!!! And she is wonderful!! She promised me that we will talk. I said I wanted to pick her brain. Her husband is more involved with the music side of things. But might be able to get me free tickets to Chicago in town and then introduce me to people. They both want to do what they can to help make my dream come true. They said they know everyone which means that they have all the connections. And it sounds like they are willing to use them for my advantage. She said she believes in synchronicity. Which I think means the same thing I believe which is, “everything happens for a reason.” I was supposed to move here. Everything is happening just the way it is supposed to. And now I am one of the many people helping take care of one of their dogs while they are out of town for the weekend. He’s blind and just needs to be taken out to pee at night.

Then we went up to my apartment and I talked to my mom. It went great, mostly. She didn’t really let me fully express myself and what I wanted to before she was already apologizing and saying that she does understand. Just that I am so close to “being just like everyone else.”………(dramatic pause)
That is when I had a realization. I know I am not like everyone else and I never will be and after she said that i was like, ‘I don’t want to be.’ Everyone else sucks and I am a rockstar standing in my power! My mom my whole life has told me how difficult everything has been for me and how I have always had to work twice as hard as everyone else just to be close to the same level. That may be true but I wouldn’t know that unless I had someone pointing it out all the time. I know it is meant to show how much I have overcome and how great I am doing but…. Is that her goal for me? To be just like everyone else. Then I would no longer be me. And we were just talking earlier the same day about how I am not that problem child anymore and how she no longer sees me that way. But she apparently does see that I have things I will never overcome and that really are stupid things that aren’t important. She had said something about me having a foot fetish. I was like, “That means that you LOVE feet!! That is the opposite of how I feel!”

Now it is Friday. That was all Thursday. I am tired and trying to get out to two Meetups tonight so I can get to know more people and I think they are fairly close. However I am running out of time. And then I don’t get to sleep in tomorrow because my sister has friends over and is celebrating her birthday with them tomorrow and I am along for the ride as well. And I spoke with another neighbor just now before I started writing this. Got her phone number and last night I FINALLY got the actor’s husbands phone number. (Actor I think is more respectful even when talking about a woman actor. More so then Actress)

Wish me luck. Hope this happy feeling lasts and doesn’t crash and burn in another day or two like it has before.

Thanks for reading.

Write you next time. ^_^