I want to talk. I want to ask for help. I want to open up. But I can’t. It hurts more to do that. But I need you to come to me. I need someone to realize that I am broken and a mess and pick me up and fix me. But I know that I am the only one who can make myself feel better. No one can fix me. And I can’t stop thinking, ‘What is wrong with me?’
Life is going good and instead of embracing all the good coming to me now I spend the time alone feeling bad for myself and pathetic. Beating myself up. Why can’t I just be happy? Sometimes even when I am feeling a tad bit better I still feel bad at the same time. How is it possible to feel okay and awful, emotionally at the same time? I am surrounded by friends in my life who don’t open up to me. Not really. Not in the same way that I try to be open with everyone. And that makes me feel like a crazy overemotional person who is incapable of being happy about anything. And I am not miserable all the time. I do have moments of joy. But they are fleeting and don’t last long. I never used to feel like a burden to anyone and now that is all that I feel. Plus I don’t want to talk to my family about things because they will blame everything on the fact that I have depression. That is why I am in denial and don’t want to accept that I have depression. Which clearly I do. And I was a depressed child as well. It comes in waves. But I feel like if I admit it to myself and family then it will become a crutch and then everything will be blamed on that. I feel like it will devalue my emotions and what I am feeling. Which I already experience enough of in my life up until now. Thoughts that I have recently on a daily basis are, ‘I am never enough. I am annoying. I am a burden. I should just stop talking. What if I let my family down in my new job? What if I let myself down? What if I let down my new job? What if I can’t do the job?’ It has put a magnifying glass to insecurities and fear that I try to ignore. It doesn’t matter that I know on some level all of those statements are false. It is still what happens in my head and I can’t control it. I cant stop it. That just is what it is. Apparently this has become my reality. It might not always be this way but it is right now.
I’ll try to write again later.