Pain Resides

My brain says I miss you but that is a lie.
I miss who I thought you were.
I miss who I got to be with you.
I miss all the memories and good times we had together.

I don’t miss the drama.
I don’t miss your negativity like an anvil dragging me down.
I don’t miss YOU.
I don’t miss the pain you caused me when you left.
I don’t miss you dumping me like you dump your trash.
I don’t want you back in my life.

You are my angel for stepping out of my life.
I could never have left you.
Thank you.

I HATE you!
I hate you for leaving me alone.
I hate that you were my only friend.
I hate that I gave everything of myself to you.
I hate that you make me feel unloveable.
I hate that your love was conditional.
I hate how much you damaged me.
I hate how I can no longer trust.
I hate that you came back into my life when I was healing nicely.
I hate that now I have to start all over again.
I hate that you make me feel broken.
I hate that you will never fully leave my mind.

I showed you my scars.
I showed you my wounds.
I showed you my pain.
I showed you my worst.
You said it was okay.
You said you still loved me.
You nurtured my pain and broken pieces
And then you stomped all over my face.
You became one of those scarred pieces on my heart.
I gave you my heart.
Trusted you with it.
And I was wrong.
You never get to see my heart again.

I miss you.
My angel.

Now STAY gone.

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Cynical Realism

I used to be this positive person. Someone who believed the best in people, gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and way more chances then they deserved. I thought that the people you grew up with were supposed to be who you were friends with forever. Then I got used, emotional abused, and taken advantage of one too many times. Now I don’t know who that positive person is or if she even exists anymore. I was harassed by the first person I ever decided to finally call my “best friend.” I was correct to be wary of that word. No place was safe. Then my friend who helped me through that dumped me a few months afterwards, blaming it on something I had said that she couldn’t deal with. So, once again everything is my fault.

Now I trust no one. It sounds awful but it is true. People have to earn my trust and even when they do I don’t trust that they will stick around forever. People change, grow and evolve. However some don’t. How is it even possible for two people to grow together? I have become cynical and I hate that I have. However I have also become more realistic. Everyone will let you down at some point in your life. The only person you can really count on is yourself. No matter what happens in my life, no matter how often I get punched to the ground. I always get back up. I don’t even know how I do it. I think it is because I have no other choice.

I want to trust. I want to love. But the pain hurts so much that I am in a constant battle between my heart and my brain. It’s a tug a war and no one is winning. I am strong. I am strong because I have to be. Because for me there is no other choice in the matter. I face everything head on because I always come out the other side somehow. It sucks and I hate it because I deserve better. I deserve someone to come into my life and fix everything. Someone to change my mind. But really I am the only person capable of changing my thinking and perspective. Everything takes time and it is still fresh enough that it hurts and I am desperately still trying to protect myself. I don’t want to get hurt again. The pain is too much. But I can’t help myself. I always care and trust to a certain extent. It’s a constant struggle. Time heals all wounds but I HATE having to wait. And even when it is more healed it won’t stop it from ever being a sore spot and bruise. It will just become something I am accustomed to and wont hurt or be as painful but it will still always be there. Just like all of the punches, cuts, bruises and scars on my heart and soul. We all have them and we all have to find a way to live with them and learn from them. That is our life.

Write again later.