I have had my own issues and struggles in my life as everyone does. Some issue that has recently been popping up more consistently, aggressively, and more often is that I don’t feel like I am enough. I grew up with friends only wanting me around for my presence and thinking that, that was okay and/or acceptable. It never was for me; I even tried to reach out to one friend and ask her to make more of an effort to include me. She agreed to but nothing changed. So I spent much of my time in high school choosing to sit alone because that felt better then being surrounded that people who didn’t really care about me. Most of my friends that didn’t work out in the long run didn’t treat me right or blamed me for all our problems. I was always the bad guy. I am sick of that shit!!
I KNOW who I am! I know what kind of person I am. I know that I am worthy, and that I have a lot to offer up into any situation I am in. I AM enough. So how can I know all of those things about myself and still struggle on a daily basis with not feeling like enough? Nothing I do is ever enough. I try my hardest and damndest but if I fall short or quit then I wasn’t enough. If I don’t do well enough or right by my family and friends then I am not enough. The last friend I called my “best friend” told me that everything I felt was valid. My personality is composed of mostly questions. If you are friends with me then almost everything in our communication will be questions, some curiosity questions, etc. She made me feel like all of that was fine and I didn’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing. Until she took something I said the wrong way and couldn’t get over herself. That is not my fault. But she ripped the rug out from underneath me. I had given up. I wanted friends that were like family, but apparently that wasn’t for me which was so unfair because I am a great person and I deserve that kind of happiness in my life. I would just have to learn to be happy being alone for the rest of my life. And then new people came into my life. That I now want to call my biological family my bio’s and my friend family my Family. But I still hesitate. I can’t fully let go and trust that they are going to stay. Everyone leaves me. Parents are divorced. I went to college, dad moved away, Sister moved away as soon as she could, and then mom was the last to move away. My friends typically change every year. I have maybe a couple of friends that have stuck around but I am not that close with them and they NEVER live close to me. I want to trust. I want to let go. I want to know that I can fall and they will always be there to catch me. They tell me that they will never leave me but those words are falling on my now deaf ears. Those words are hallow and mean nothing to me. No one is capable of promising something like that. They don’t know. Everyone changes and grows and evolves and in my experience it a growing apart not together. I might come around eventually but that scar is deep in my heart. I don’t know that I will ever allow myself to fully trust another person again. I want to protect myself while at the same time I don’t want to miss out on things because of fear holding me back. Its a big push and pull I am living with. Maybe once I meet them in person it might make things feel more clear and real to me.
I know that I am enough. More then enough. Maybe I’m just not connecting with feeling it. I know it but I can’t FEEL it.
I guess that’s it for now.
This blog entry is a little more venting then normal for me. It’s something that has bothered me for a while and then a similar thing happened to my friend and so now I feel the need to talk about it. It has to do with Facebook and there are a couple of different things I want to talk about. So I have been told that I express too much and share too much with the Facebook world. Well….I haven’t been blessed with great, supportive, and wonderful friends growing up so Facebook was where I turned too. When I thought I had good friends I noticed that I posted less about my feelings on Facebook status’. Facebook became the friend I needed even if it sucked as well. And my emotions are so all over the place that I am sure I come across as crazy and “over emotional.” (Still despise that word) The thing that upset me somewhat recently. Since I moved about 3 months ago. It was shortly after I moved and I was told by my sister that some of my brother-in-law’s family that I was friends with on Facebook wanted to check that I was okay because my posts made them worried. SERIOUSLY!!! I understand that his family is uber sweet and loving and caring. However why the FUCK didn’t they come and talk to ME!!! The person who posted on FB because I was trying to reach out to people and have them respond to ME!! I mean, seriously, what a concept!! If you are worried about me then you should, TALK.TO.ME!!! And people read too much into what I post. Yes, I am upset. But with me things could become fine in an hour or most likely the next day.
Along similar lines to that I would have family friends that I see in the real world. What I mean by that is that I see them outside of the interwebs and computer. And one person in particular would always say, “I follow you on Facebook.” Now I know a lot of people like things like that but to me it just feels creepy and stalkerish. And I don’t need that in my life again. Seriously, I understand that you are “keeping up with me online,” but when people say that and they NEVER comment on anything, NEVER talk to me online, AND NEVER like anything that I post, then it feels weird. I know older people probably don’t know the unspoken rules when you are online but….I mean it isn’t like I am famous or even that popular. I might understand it more then. Or if it was like on twitter or something like that it would be different but we are talking about FB.
And lastly is what happens to me and now I find out my friend too. We have been made to feel uncomfortable about what we want to post on OUR OWN fucking Facebook page. It makes other people uncomfortable or there is too much Supernatural. So you should ease up on all that. When my friend told me this happened to her as well, I went OFF!!! I am over it! I don’t give a FUCK what anyone else thinks about my page. If it makes them uncomfortable then that is not my fucking responsibility!! They should know that there is this great feature where you can block what you see from me, or stop “following” me, and that way you can see less of what makes YOU uncomfortable. That is NOT my problem and you making it my problem is just going to poke at the bear that I am becoming. And you don’t want to mess with that. I may not actually be able to kick your ass but I can tear you apart with my words. I will not change who I am and what I want to post. Facebook is an expression of me and if you don’t like any of it then you can go fuck yourself! Friends OR family. I don’t have time for that shit anymore! Stop making little comments about how it’s all I talk about. When, I am in person and around you and know you aren’t a fan of what I am I try desperately not to talk about it as long as I would otherwise out of respect for you. I am who I am and if you can’t accept that or don’t want to take the time to try to then you get to walking right out of my life. I am done and not taking this shit from other people anymore.
If I make you uncomfortable for a valid reason that doesn’t have to do with who I am or how I am choosing to express myself then that is a different matter and we can discuss it further at length at a different time. If it is because of something I said to you. I will probably feel bad and apologize because I never meant it that way. But don’t you EVER tell me to change who I am because it makes YOU uncomfortable. Because if that is the case then, I don’t give a flying fuck!
Write you next time.