Empath in a hard world

I am an empath which is different then feeling empathetic towards someone else. There are many different kinds of empaths. I am still figuring out what it means for me. I have always been deeply and immensely connected to my emotions. They are how I express myself and how I interact with people. I trusted what they told me growing up. However I believed the best in everyone I interacted with as well which was not a smart decision for me. I began having horrendous experiences with the friendships I made. To the point where I just decided it would be less painful to just not have any friends. That’s when my mom stepped up and became my friend. That is until I started connecting with people and putting myself out there again. I stopped trusting myself which gets me into awful situations with people.

Being an empath I just know things sometimes. I can feel things the way that most other people cant. It is awesome because it is like my superpower but it also sucks. It makes it harder to function in the harsh and difficult world I have been born into. I can have wonderful times/days/months but I HAVE to have recovery time. I am also and Extraverted Introvert which means I need recovery time from being around people twice as much. It doesn’t matter if the interaction is good or bad, I still need that time alone. However when it is good I find that I am able to go for longer periods of time before I even realize I need recovery time. And that time looks different every time. Yesterday it looked like being unable to move or get out of bed for a few hours, crying for no reason, eating very little. Then moving to lay on the couch and watching tv and movies until bedtime. Most often at least for me, it involves having my feet up, not moving much and feeling like emotional shit. Yeah….not fun. Normally I am lucky and that only lasts a day sometimes two. But what makes it hardest is even though I know I am strong and always bounce back; when I am in it…..It hurts. I feel crazy. I just want to be normal and like everyone else. I am different in too many ways. And they are all ways that make living in this hard, harsh world that much more difficult. I am left handed, an empath, trying to learn to trust myself (daily struggle), sensitive, damaged, person. Everything about me is different. When people say that, I know they mean it as a compliment but it isn’t fair. Why do I have to be different? Why do I have to struggle and be the one who changes the world? Why do I feel like an outcast that will never fit in?

My superpower is a tremendous gift but also a terrible burden. I believe people like me where put on this earth to shine our light in a dark time. To shine on for people who need it. When they are at their darkest. We have had our own hardships in life and that is what makes us able to relate, and at least try to understand the depth of what others are experiencing. We have to find the light within ourselves to shine for ourselves as well. Because it is easy to shine for others. Somehow it is easier then learning how to shine for ourselves, in our own darkest moments.

I joined a support group on FB for Empaths and it is one of the greatest things I think I have ever done for myself. I grew up in a family, I love them, but they can’t connect with me the way I want and need. I relate to them in whatever way I can find however I have always felt like I don’t fit and that I am a freak because of how different I am. They have figured out the secret, how to function in the world and they are doing it. It is easier for them. And that hurts me because it isn’t fair. I’m special, I’m here to make a difference. Oh well….that’s just great (sarcasm). Why do I have to struggle so much? There should be a way for me to do everything I want to and am meant for without having THIS much struggle. The support group makes me realize that things I thought were just “my” difference are actually universal for those like me. And there are less of us out in the world which is what makes it hard. Actually most times when I post things, people help me realize that I am actually doing better then I thought. Other people who are empaths don’t go out on weekends. It is too much after their work week. I am constantly out there. So that when I am not I am beating myself up. But I don’t have to. What I am experiencing is normal for me. And I just need to find a way to be okay with that.

Sensitive is GOOD!! It means you care and value people as well as things in the world. Crying is strength! Holding onto pain and not letting it out, not sharing it with others out of fear, that is unhealthy. I understand that everyone has their own way of dealing with things. I just hate so much about our society. It is okay for men to be in touch with their feelings and cry. Why is that considered non manly? It is great when woman cry. Why are we considered oversensitive? Why does society look down on anyone and everyone who FEELS deeply in any way. No one should cry in front of anyone else because it makes people uncomfortable is basically what society is telling us. Who gives a FUCK!!! Back off and let us be the magnificent beings we are cable of being if we stopped, stopping ourselves!! Being who we are in the negative and toxic world we are in is strength and courageous.

People in my life. Family and the few friends that I have, have called me Brave, Courageous and also tell me that I inspire them. My struggles inspire them. Yay for me. (Sarcasm if you couldn’t tell) That is great that they see all that in me. It really is. But, I can’t see that in me. Yes, I never give up. Yes, I always keep fighting. But that is because that is who I am. There is no other choice for me. Okay, so that is probably what courage is. My entire life I am always doing things that I am scared of. That is probably because I have anxiety. But I push past all of it and continue. Maybe because other people that see me do the things I do in my life feel that they could never do that themselves. Because of that they view me as brave or whatever. I mean, they are probably right. I am just saying that I don’t have a choice. I fight through the pain and struggle because I have to. It hurts. It sucks and I hate it. But….what else can I do but push through. I come out the other side every time. When I am in it and feel like it will be forever. Normally the harder I push NOT to experience something the worse it feels. When I give myself permission to go into the terrifying abyss of tears and pain, unpleasantness, and being uncomfortable; if I promise myself I wont live there forever, then I come out and back to the light much quicker.

I know I wrote a lot this time. But I guess that is it for now.

Thank you for reading. Write later.

Famdom Life and Conventions

I had a short conversation with my mom last night about me and going to conventions. She has been very supportive and even helped me when I needed extra money in order to help me go to the specific convention or con of my choice. However they have raised their prices and that made her ask me a question last night that just proves she has no idea how important these cons are to me.

“But are you done going now because the prices went up and you already have so many photos? What else is there for you there?” I told her more photos, meeting actors that I haven’t met yet. I told her that I keep coming up with more photo op ideas. However I didn’t even think to tell her about the Family that I have there. how it is the one thing in my life at this moment in time that I look forward to and feeds me and my soul. I can’t stop and it is just getting worse. It is the one place I can fully be myself without apologies and where other people “get it.” Even when it isn’t a safe place it is still safer then the world outside of a con.

I would think it would be pretty obvious how much it means to me and how important it is. I mean I meet two people at my first convention that ended up being the worst friend experiences so far in my life. Which is saying something because up until this point I have had pretty shitty friends. And yet I STILL want and NEED to go. With anything else in my life I would think that it wouldn’t be worth it. But it is. And isn’t that the same with blood family? Every one has some stinkers but that doesn’t stop you from coming back every time for all the good. No matter how exhausting, draining, and sometimes sick they make me I NEED to go. I know that the pictures are just pictures and after they are done that’s it. I mean “normal” people don’t understand that, that just fuels everything. It’s interaction but it’s somehow more then that. The men are filling a void I have in my life with men. No men look at me the way they do in photos when I stupidly forget to look at them and instead look at the camera because I think that is what they are doing. No one interacts with me the way I request them to let me in photos. I NEED that. And the more photos I get like that….maybe somehow keeps it alive, possible, and maybe gives me more hope. I actually feel like it gives me less but…whatever. These photos are my only hope.

This last convention I went to was the day after my birthday. So the whole time I called it my birthday weekend. I am not the only person who does that at conventions either. And to top it off I was born on the same day as one of the actors that would be there and that I was meeting for the first time. She and this other woman are my hero’s, my female role models, I look up to them. I feel like they are who I want to become as an adult. Or at least something similar to them without the influence of my family. My family has influenced my view of myself for long enough thank you very much! I spent more money then ever before. I did something called the “PJ Party” that they put on through the convention for only 30 people, I did a meet and greet with them (my first one ever), and I got a crapton of photos with them. By the end that woman knew me, even if it wasn’t by name. And that isn’t what is important anyways.

This woman gave me the biggest gift with the smallest gesture that I could ever ask anyone for. And it still surprises me how much it means to me. Every time I talk or write about it I cry because it is so simple and so sad that I rarely get it. So the PJ party was 3 hours of time with these woman. So anyways we came in and were interacting with the attendees first. Getting to know each other until the main woman showed up. As the evening progressed I noticed that I felt more like myself then I ever do in a room full of people I don’t really know. I wasn’t shy, I felt outgoing and like myself, I didn’t have to apologize for anything. But that wasn’t even the gift. Tiny backstory: I rarely feel like anyone “sees, hears,” or “listens” to me. Which makes me feel like nothing I have to say is important or matters. My mom, she can’t help it, goes into her own little world in her head and can’t hear me too often. She will look for me to sit next to in a group or at church and she can’t “see” me so she gives up and sits behind me instead. This woman…..oh my god this woman. Any small thing I said, she responded to. For the meet and greet I tried not to talk much so I could give the opportunity to people who didn’t get the interaction with them that I had, had the night before. And even so I would say a couple word comment, one time just basically repeating what she had said and she would respond with like a, “yes,” or something. To acknowledge that I had spoken. I am pretty sure she even did it in the dark when we were watching an episode they were in together. Although that is harder to say. That is seriously the smallest thing ever. And I try to do the same thing to everyone in my life since I didn’t feel like I got it myself growing up. I know children are annoying and ask for a lot. But even just looking at them and letting them know that you heard them and will respond when you are done with what you are doing, I feel like that still makes them feel heard. And probably why people tell me i’ll make a good mom and/or Aunt. Because I pay more attention then most people.

I wish I could find a way to let her know how important that was to me. You never know the impact you have in peoples lives. That is something you can never know. And she was just “being” the wonderful and magnificent human being that she is. I didn’t even realize how big a deal this was to me until like the week after the con. She wrote a chapter in a book and if I remember correctly she talked about never feeling like she had a voice or she didn’t know if her voice was okay so she tried to take on other peoples voices instead. She “gets it” in all the most important ways I need her to. She understands pain. And if it means so much to me, is there a chance that I have impacted someones life as much as she did mine just by responding when people talk?

I guess that’s it for now. Write you next time.

Bitch! WTF is your Problem?!

I am in rehearsals for a play called Dark Road. It is about an all female concentration camp during the Holocaust. My character is a female guard and the cast is made up of wonderful people…..for the most part. Last night was a bad, bad, night. Bad, bad, bad night. I got their a tad bit early to walk with one of the characters to get coffee. I don’t drink but I wanted to hang out with her alone because we hadn’t gotten to do that yet. I really like her and her energy. As we were walking the 3 mins to coffee she shared some very personal stuff about her life with me. Things that she doesn’t share with just anyone. That isn’t the first time something like that has happened with me. I create a very safe space for people to feel comfortable being themselves so often times I hear, “I don’t know why I am telling you all of this.” Which she said a couple of times during our walk. And I contributed to the conversation as well and we both got distracted and stuff like that. It was very nice. She isn’t the Bitch that this post is about because she isn’t a bitch to me. I had been having trouble staying awake all day. On my hour commute to and from work and then also on my drive to rehearsal as well. I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Another thing you need to know about this awesome girl is that she knows some Sign Language. If you haven’t read any of my previous posts, I am a Sign Language Interpreter. She has taken classes before and wants to become an interpreter as well so every so often we will sign together during rehearsal.

So……in comes this really sweet woman. She always has something nice to say about everyone and talks….too much but it’s okay because it is normally nice things about you or the play. She isn’t present for rehearsals often since normally they are closed rehearsal meant only for the actors. However this woman is also in charge of costumes for the play as well as the mother of one of the actors in the play. She is also a holocaust survivor herself so I understand that, that must come with a ton of scars, trauma, etc. However that is no excuse! So anyways, the other cast member and I are signing during a meeting in order to be respectful and less disruptive. She is saying it would be fun if for the Gala night she sings a song while I interpret it. Then I ask her about a specific song. And then all of the sudden the woman who wasn’t even paying attention to us when we started signing is livid and yelling at the two of us in front of the whole cast. Okay the cast isn’t that many people but still!!! Saying that we probably don’t believe her but that she is deaf and that she reads our lips and how disrespectful that is. I am a sign language interpreter and that means that she is technically deaf but she doesn’t identify as a Deaf person. Because that would mean that she is a part of the Deaf community and knows sign language. Most Deaf people use sign language and are appreciative if you are using it when around them so they aren’t lost. Yes we weren’t talking at the same time……So basically she was attaching me as a human being because I was trying to be respectful and she was attacking my profession as an interpreter. To my fucking face! I would have spoken up for myself but I was on the verge of tears and was trying to hold myself together.

However that girl I went to coffee with did it for me. Angry she said, “Can I say something to that?” Basically asking if she had to take that or if she could speak up for herself. She spoke directly to the woman saying that if she has a problem she shouldn’t have done it in front of everyone. She should have waited until a break or after rehearsal to come up to her individually and say something. So of course the woman countered that she was talking to both of us not just the girl speaking up for herself. The girl said that we were trying to be respectful and non disruptive.

We weren’t disruptive but everything about this woman, even when she is positive is a disruption. She talks all the time and has no gage of when it is too much, inappropriate and when she should stop. Her daughter is the female guard opposite me and I thought we could be friends but now I am closing up to her at least on the inside. Even though she isn’t her mother I still feel they are close and it is no longer safe for me to be friends with her.

The other upsetting thing is I didn’t have energy for any of this. Then the director is great and always tells us how amazing we each are and what we did great with our character before we leave for rehearsal and I couldn’t receive the wonderful thing she said about me. And the girl thought it was important that if the director talked to her about it after rehearsal that I should be there as well. But instead she needed to talk to the actor alone about something that wasn’t related to that. I got my stuff and whispered to the girl, “So I guess I waited for nothing,” exhausted I went to my car and bawled for about 15 mins before I drove home where two cars almost hit me on the freeway. I am a GOOD driver but everyone was in some god damn hurry at 10:15 at night?!! What the fuck!

I woke up this morning and texted the girl to see if she talked to the director about things. She “gets” me. She is my hero. This is what her text said, “Well basically I told her that it made you and I very pissed off and very uncomfortable. I threw some real shit in there, I hope you don’t mind. I said, ‘How do you think that makes quean29 feel? She already feels like she doesn’t have any friends and now someone just stripped her of the one thing that she knows and loves doing. How dare L do that.’ She just doesn’t have any right. That’s what pisses me off so bad.” That is exactly partly how I am feeling. I really felt like she channeled for me in the moment with L as well. I mean she has all the knowledge about Deaf culture so it makes sense. I am just used to being the person who is educating people. And the girl has worked with this woman before and so she doesn’t take her shit.

I posted on FB trying to get support. And I got a lot of support which normally works and at least helps me feel a little better. I want it to, that’s why I posted about it….vaguely. However nothing is hitting me in that way or making me feel better. And the whole time writing this I am trying not to cry. It is too painful and I am so SICK of crying for days about one thing or another. I get that I am transitioning and transforming to my new life in many ways all at once and I am turning 30 next month but I just need a day or so break. I think I deserve that! Why do I have to cry so deeply everyday? I don’t care that I am an empath and super in touch with my feelings. There has to be a better way then having to experience this much pain all the time. Well….so much for not crying.

I know this is longer then most my posts but I had to at least get it down. Man, do I need that massage I am getting at 4pm today……

Write you next time.

There were so many better ways she could have approached us. Tell us politely and nicely to stop because it was bothering her which we both would have apologized and totally done. Instead she became a guard. Those who she despises and who tortured people….maybe even her. And without a warning ATTACKED!! Thank GOD it wasn’t just me…..but in some ways it felt like it was mostly me. Because that is who I am as a person!

“Inside Out”

I have been thinking about the movie Inside Out. I saw it all the way through in the movie theatre once. When I first saw the movie I related to the character Sadness. I told people this and it wasn’t received well. My voice teacher at the time made me feel like I was wrong and crazy. She said that we should all strive to be more like the character, Happiness. But I HATED that character! She is selfish, self centered, know it all, who thinks she is right about everything. She remains overly positive in hopeless situations. This is what is wrong with our society.

Society embraces the belief that everyone needs to stay happy all the time and that showing sadness is a weakness, pathetic, and people who do that in public are pathetic. Sadness in the movie had WAAAAYYY more redeeming qualities. She would sit and listen when someone was upset. She never claimed to be right about everything. And even though Happiness was judgemental and made her feel like everything she did and who she is was wrong; Sadness never stopped being herself. That is something that we should all aspire to. No matter what, always being true to ourselves. That doesn’t mean that others opinion’s won’t hurt or damage us because we are caring people. But they can’t change who we are and should NEVER try to because who we are, is fucking awesome and the BEST! We are who we are and the rest of the world needs to butt out and stop giving their opinions on things that don’t affect them.

People in my life just completely missed the whole message of the movie. EVERYTHING comes from and starts with Sadness. Without Sadness we can’t appreciate any of the other emotions. You never are just ONE emotion. Recently in the past few years, all the times I get angry what is really the underlying emotion is sadness and hurt. I become angry in order to protect myself and create a boundary and it is more appropriate in public until I can have some time away from people in a safe space to deal with the real emotion which is sadness. We all experience multiple emotions at once. If we were only happy, or sad, or envious, or angry all the time then that is unbalanced. Emotions all work together to create, experience, and help us grow/transform. Through pain and sadness we can find happiness to help give us motivation and strength to push through.

Going back and looking at Sadness. I am HAPPY that I relate more to her. She is awesome and I no longer see that as a bad thing. And that is good. 🙂

Write you next time.

Being a Woman

Being a woman sucks. Especially once a month. For those guys out there who don’t believe that being premenstral is a thing, It TOTALLY IS!! It sucks and makes us feel crazy. I was great until I started. I was feeling great. Had a couple of good days that just kept getting better in a row. Then with the excitement of my sisters birthday celebration and all of her friends it just got me more and more exhausted. Then I finally had the day off after everyone went home today. I left before the last couple. I have finally realized that just because I live a mile aways does NOT mean I am obligated to stay until everyone else leaves. So I excused myself and have been laying on the couch watching Netflix most of the day. That would be fine if my mind wasn’t going crazy with things.

It is a little bit hard to explain and I am not sure if anyone will understand but here it goes. I am not like really upset about anything. I have a small need to cry but it hasn’t happened. I don’t feel miserable. I just don’t want to see anyone, I want to be left alone. However at the same time I am lonely and want a friend. It makes no sense, I know and yet that is how I am feeling.

Last I checked I was assuming I was going to have to work tomorrow but they always wait on the weekends to text me till late to figure things out. Lucky tonight it was between 7pm-8pm. I have been asking advice from my friends on what to do but couldn’t seem to get myself to text my boss’. And then instead I get a text from them. Earlier then normal asking If I am still up for it. ANd I wanted to talk to my friends but they had all become busy and so no one responded when I needed them to which is completely understandable. The area where I normally work is on Spring Break so if I choose I didn’t have to work at all this week. That is unless I was interested. I have noticed something about myself. If I have too many days off I get bored and unhappy. I need to have things to do. So having the full week off is not a smart plan for me. However if I give myself Monday to recover a little more then I don’t see that as a problem. Another thing that I am realizing is that there are so many more introverted people in the world then I realize. And NEEDING to take some time or even a day or so to recover from “peopleing” is a total normal and valid thing to need for myself.

A silly and random part of my weekend. My sister said a joke after I tapped out of doing the pile of dishes with the party. There were plenty of people willing to help and my hands were shaking because I hadn’t been drinking enough water. (take care of yourself people. It is important) So anyways, she says, “Jesus never tapped out.” Cause I guess she saw that on a bilboard somewhere once. And I responded with, “Jesus also never had a period!……And.I.DO!” Looking back on it I am a little embarrassed but I wasn’t in the moment so I am trying not to let myself over-think it like I do.

I just had to write some of this down. I know it is probably all over the place but so am I. 😛 Being a woman is hard. You men have NO.IDEA! I still like being a female. I wouldn’t want to change places or anything but still….

I think a new couple has moved in next door. I was creepy and watched through the peep hold in my door. And I care but I am so done and tired about everything that I am not going out of my way to try to meet them. Everyone in this house is “nice” and everyone in the house next door is just the best. Super sweet and wonderful and I just want to interact with all of them on a daily basis.

Write you next time….I guess.

Bad Day

At this moment I am sitting in the dark of my apartment. All my lights are turned out and I am in a negative mindset. I have had another very difficult day. Even though nothing has really gone that wrong. If I could just change my perspective to a more positive one. At this moment I am definitely a glass half empty girl. So much for me feeling like I didn’t have anything to write about on this blog today.

I recently moved 7 hrs away from the city that I was born and raised in. I moved mainly to be closer to my sister but also because I was unhappy where I was. But this is the biggest change I have ever voluntarily done for myself and it is so much harder and emotional then I expected it to be. I have only been here a few months and I already need a break from my life. 😦

I am still unpacking and beating myself up that I am not done yet. I have done so much today and it feels like nothing because I am so far from being done. Plus people are coming to town in a couple weeks and I STILL wont be ready for them. What I did today :

~ Went to my Spiritual Center for Service
~ Went to and ate Subway
~ Bought Groceries, got home, and put them away
~ Went to Uhal to drop of some empty boxes and such while also hoping to run into the man who told me I was Gorgeous last time I was there. I didn’t see him. 😦
~ Got gas in my car so I am ready fro my commute tomorrow to work at the place that I am happy to be back at. After being moved around so much last week I am grateful to be back.

Then I arrived home and started to feel myself going to my dark place. It always begins with negative thoughts. ‘I didn’t do enough today. I did so much but it isn’t enough because look at how much further you have to go. You are no where near finishing and it will never happen. When have you every finished unpacking?” And then I received a phone call that I should NOT have answered from a family member. Clearly she was stressed out and frustrated so she was using her pissy voice. I can’t handle shit anymore. I can’t talk on the phone with AAA so they email me. It’s been days and I STILL can’t bring myself to even look at that email. I still need to do my laundry (sheets) because I haven’t done them in too long. My weekend is seriously Saturday. Because I spend all of Sunday preparing for work Monday.

I hang up the phone and realize that one of the things I have always wanted to be as an actor is no longer possible. And I can never have the opportunity or possibility to do it again. I know that sounds close minded. But this is a senior high school film project where I was a “Deaf friend.” It is basically an extra role and I don’t know that I really had a lines. BUT….it is a Deaf character. And because I think it is a high school production it might not actually get that big. Because the Deaf frown upon hearing people playing Deaf characters because that takes away roles from them. Which is completely understandable. So that is what I mean by I will NEVER get this chance again but I now live 7 hrs away and they are only filming that on one day during that week. And I just cant go for only one day. Plus I have been connecting with the two main actors online and I was excited to go back. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. But because I am upset, I don’t see why I should even continue to help consult with the Sign Language. What’s the point? I need to see when my work’s Spring Break is. Maybe I can still make it work somehow.

I just feel like there is always something going on that I am stressed or upset about and it makes me feel like I am a crazy person. Can it really just be because I have a lot of stress in my life from basically starting over? More going on in my life then I have ever had before and I don’t feel like I will ever be able to figure out how to handle it. Plus I am pressuring myself so that whenever anyone else wether it be family or friends make one small comment that validates that I am failing, it just excentuates (how do you spell?) my pain. I am taking all of my supplements even if I am starting to run out of one and keep forgetting to call and see what name they changed it to. I always find myself thinking, “What is wrong with me?” And I am crying on and off while typing this. I know this is a shitty way to end this blog today but I got nothing. And this is where my brain is stopping things.

Sorry to be a downer. (I need to stop apologizing for myself!)

Write you next time.