I’m not okay

My life is not bad. I actually have a lot going for me. I just got this really great job that makes me happy. It is the best work environment that I have ever been in and it is just a Candy Store. 😛 My boss is amazing, my coworkers are amazing. I am happy whenever I am there.
And then I come home.
I am no longer okay. I don’t know if work just distracts me from how I really am feeling but….idk.

I moved close to my niece when I found out my sister was pregnant. A few months after me my mom followed. Now we all live within a mile of each other. That should be wonderful and bring us all together right? Apparently not for me. Ever since my sister was old enough to drive she has spend as much time out of the house as possible. She traveled abroad during the summers when she could and as soon as she was of age to go to college she went hours away and then flights away. My parents got divorced when I was a senior in High School if I remember correctly. My dad got a condo until I graduated and then moved to Washington State. Then years later my mom sold the house I grew up in, was living in again because I had, had to move back home and she moved 3 hours away and then 5 hours away. I have spent all of my adult life away from my family. I don’t know HOW to be a full time member anymore, if I ever did in the first place. And all I feel is the pressure to do so and that I am not doing a good enough job. Like I am not even trying. And all this at a time in my life when I was just starting to discover who I am as an individual apart from what my parents expectations, hopes, and dreams were/are for me. Now I am depressed. Any time I am not at work. And I hate bringing that to any interaction with my niece. Not that she notices but you know that babies are sponges. I don’t want to be the one to fuck her up. I can’t. That is what I desperately want to protect her from.

Even when I am happy I feel this darkness inside of me. I would never do anything to hurt myself. However I still have thoughts about how I wish I could just be gone so that then people would really understand how, not okay I am right now. Because I can’t tell them. Especially my family and I have my reasons as to why. Mom will say that it runs in the family because she was depressed during her marriage to my dad. I am very careful with who I talk to about this because you can’t trust people. They will either make too big of a deal out of it, make it seem too normal which invalidates my feelings, or they will tell you to go to therapy. I am all for therapy but it just….to spend the time for the professional to get up to date on my life and extra money I prefer not to use because #1 I don’t really have extra money for something like that…It’s just too much work. I went starting at 3 years old. Then I stopped for a few years, until my parents got divorced and went back again. Always the same woman. Now I don’t live there anymore and would have to start all over again. I feel like no one cares and I am all alone. Which is inaccurate because most people have no idea what I am going through because I haven’t told them. And others are going through similar things as me, apparently. I am actually SICK of people with the generic, “How are you?” Because no matter how much I want to answer truthfully I can’t. It pisses me off how that is what our world is now. People don’t want and are not ready for my real answer. I am NOT okay. That is how I am. I have graduated from bawling but I still cry everyday. I am broken, and damaged. The other day I got back from a couple hours with my mom and was beside myself. I complain too much, am a difficult friend, its why I don’t have any friends. I am too difficult. I am not worth it. No one cares. I’ll always be alone. No one will ever want to take the time to be with me because I am too critical and get emotional and upset about everything. I just bring them down. I’m too much trouble and too needy.

I need to move away but I love my job, I love my niece. But my feelings are affecting how happy I am around her. And I get judgmental support from my family. I only have two options according to…..Stay where I am, or moved into the unit behind my sister. But I NEED to be 5-15 mins away in distance from them minimum that way I can still work at the same place. I just need a little distance and space. All the signs the Universe is providing me is fucking confusing. I don’t make enough to live alone. My mom has been financially supporting me basically forever. Even when I do live on my own. I’ll never make enough to support myself and so in some ways I will always feel guilted into things by her, because I am obligated to do so because she is supporting me financially. I am grateful for that, I am. Without her I would be on the street. That is becoming clear to me. But I just….am loosing hope and faith that I will find a place that will accept the money I have with her help as well as be a nice enough area for her. I am screwed and I FEEL that I can’t stay where I am or move in behind my sister. I just can’t.

I hate feeling like this. I don’t think it will ever get better. And I can’t live in this feeling, I just can’t. I don’t want to assume that moving will solve all my problems and make me happy. I can’t even think that is a possibility anymore. But it is the only thing I have right now. I NEED this.

I don’t want to post how I am really feeling on FB because I have gotten into bad situations from doing that in the past and I don’t want my family to see it. So instead I post gif’s on my messenger’s Day and hope people will reach out. But the ones that do are too positive and try to fix it by telling me I’m depression or should look into therapy or going to a doctor or something. I won’t take medication for this. I WONT! I just need support. I just need someone to sit in the thick of the mud and crud and shit and let me wallow no matter how much I don’t want to. I want to feel seen, heard, and understood. That is all I have ever wanted my whole life.

It might be a bad decision for me to post this but….I needed to write it out. Maybe it can help someone else who is feeling the same way. I am still here. I am always here. No matter how much I hate fighting the fight, I am always still here. I deserve credit for that. Everyone who is struggling deserves credit for that.

Write you next time.

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Am I Really Enough?

I have had my own issues and struggles in my life as everyone does. Some issue that has recently been popping up more consistently, aggressively, and more often is that I don’t feel like I am enough. I grew up with friends only wanting me around for my presence and thinking that, that was okay and/or acceptable. It never was for me; I even tried to reach out to one friend and ask her to make more of an effort to include me. She agreed to but nothing changed. So I spent much of my time in high school choosing to sit alone because that felt better then being surrounded that people who didn’t really care about me. Most of my friends that didn’t work out in the long run didn’t treat me right or blamed me for all our problems. I was always the bad guy. I am sick of that shit!!

I KNOW who I am! I know what kind of person I am. I know that I am worthy, and that I have a lot to offer up into any situation I am in. I AM enough. So how can I know all of those things about myself and still struggle on a daily basis with not feeling like enough? Nothing I do is ever enough. I try my hardest and damndest but if I fall short or quit then I wasn’t enough. If I don’t do well enough or right by my family and friends then I am not enough. The last friend I called my “best friend” told me that everything I felt was valid. My personality is composed of mostly questions. If you are friends with me then almost everything in our communication will be questions, some curiosity questions, etc. She made me feel like all of that was fine and I didn’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing. Until she took something I said the wrong way and couldn’t get over herself. That is not my fault. But she ripped the rug out from underneath me. I had given up. I wanted friends that were like family, but apparently that wasn’t for me which was so unfair because I am a great person and I deserve that kind of happiness in my life. I would just have to learn to be happy being alone for the rest of my life. And then new people came into my life. That I now want to call my biological family my bio’s and my friend family my Family. But I still hesitate. I can’t fully let go and trust that they are going to stay. Everyone leaves me. Parents are divorced. I went to college, dad moved away, Sister moved away as soon as she could, and then mom was the last to move away. My friends typically change every year. I have maybe a couple of friends that have stuck around but I am not that close with them and they NEVER live close to me. I want to trust. I want to let go. I want to know that I can fall and they will always be there to catch me. They tell me that they will never leave me but those words are falling on my now deaf ears. Those words are hallow and mean nothing to me. No one is capable of promising something like that. They don’t know. Everyone changes and grows and evolves and in my experience it a growing apart not together. I might come around eventually but that scar is deep in my heart. I don’t know that I will ever allow myself to fully trust another person again. I want to protect myself while at the same time I don’t want to miss out on things because of fear holding me back. Its a big push and pull I am living with. Maybe once I meet them in person it might make things feel more clear and real to me.

I know that I am enough. More then enough. Maybe I’m just not connecting with feeling it. I know it but I can’t FEEL it.

I guess that’s it for now.

Write later.

Conventions are HOME.

I have had people ask me what it is about conventions that makes me so happy and fills up my soul so much. I have had a friend tell me, “I wish I had something in my life that made me as happy as conventions make you.” So how to begin to describe something that I could say is the most important part of my life to people who don’t watch the show. It is a difficult thing to describe and how much it means to me and how much it touches my soul.

My first convention type esque experience was when I went to the movie theatre to see the new Doctor in Doctor who. It was really cool to be surrounded by people who were all passionate about the same thing as you. It was like every person there could be your friend. People photo bomb another strangers photo. And all of that.

I want to say a few years later I went to my first ever Supernatural Convention. Now, everyone talks about how Supernatural Conventions are different then any other conventions. They are better and more personal and the photo op rooms are fun better. I didn’t fully understand until I went to Long Beach Comicon. It is a mass of people. Incredibly overwhelming for an introvert and an empath like me. I got a photo with the cast of Firefly with the exception of Nathan Fillion. And it wasn’t worth the money. While waiting in line you feel like (what’s the phrase?) like you are in a can of sardines? You come in with one or two people in front of you and are directed to stand on the X with no interaction with the actors. You can say bye when you are done but the next person is already coming up to them. And as soon as you leave the room, your photo is ready on the table.

Now….the photo op experience at a Supernatural convention is much different. Thanks to how the photographer Chris chooses to set things up. He understands what it means for us as fans to interact with the actors even real quickly. The company Creation is more organized. Takes the fans in by seat numbers so it is less crazy of a line. And then we get to be in the photo op room and see other fans get their photos as well as having music that the actors like in order to help relax them and have them enjoy the experience. You are also allowed to get more creative with your photos. You are able and allowed to talk to the actors and tell them what you want in the photo. You are still rushed by volunteers however you get more interaction. It is always quick. A couple seconds here and there. Then when you are done you can wait hours for your photos because he wants to make sure they look right.

I didn’t mean to start discussing photo ops first. My first time at a Supernatural Convention was wonderful and has evolved from then. I got tickets 3 weeks before the convention which shocked me that any were even still available. So far my experience with these conventions is that they are more intimate. That could be because they are focused on only one show. It is still overwhelming and a lot to take it but it doesn’t seem to matter because of how much you get from there.

The real reason I wanted to write this because I have always talked about the SPN Family. That is even what the fandom is called now. But recently I have really FELT how much that is true. Conventions are the only place in my life I ever feel truly at home. I know this is crazy but I think even if the actors weren’t there I would still go. To be surrounded by like minded people is wonderful. I love how anyone you talk to is nice. You are surrounded by “your” people and who wouldn’t like that. Especially when most of us in the fandom feel misunderstood, lonely and like loners in our every day lives. I don’t have a team or a group of friends that live near me. Never have and don’t know that I ever will. People “see” you, “hear” you, and love you, without judgment. We forget this and find ourselves still apologizing for who we are. We don’t get that kind of attention or love everyday. Even if we are lucky enough to get it every once in a while. It is rare. We long for it. We crave it. It feeds our soul and keeps us coming back every year. Sometimes if we can financially push it twice a year. If I was rich I would go to every convention they have. Every.Single.One. It is that worth it to me. We keep coming back HOME. Trying to find it and create it in our every day life but can’t seem to. It is a calling to us. It pushes us through the hard times in our lives. It helps us to move forward and to always have something to look forward to and plan for. Where we can see our chosen family again that grows a little bigger every year. The more conventions you go to the more friends you have at each one. Supernatural is my HOME and always will be and that is all there is to it. And no one can understand that unless they have experienced these cons and are a fan of the show as well.

That is it for now. Write next time.

Famdom Life and Conventions

I had a short conversation with my mom last night about me and going to conventions. She has been very supportive and even helped me when I needed extra money in order to help me go to the specific convention or con of my choice. However they have raised their prices and that made her ask me a question last night that just proves she has no idea how important these cons are to me.

“But are you done going now because the prices went up and you already have so many photos? What else is there for you there?” I told her more photos, meeting actors that I haven’t met yet. I told her that I keep coming up with more photo op ideas. However I didn’t even think to tell her about the Family that I have there. how it is the one thing in my life at this moment in time that I look forward to and feeds me and my soul. I can’t stop and it is just getting worse. It is the one place I can fully be myself without apologies and where other people “get it.” Even when it isn’t a safe place it is still safer then the world outside of a con.

I would think it would be pretty obvious how much it means to me and how important it is. I mean I meet two people at my first convention that ended up being the worst friend experiences so far in my life. Which is saying something because up until this point I have had pretty shitty friends. And yet I STILL want and NEED to go. With anything else in my life I would think that it wouldn’t be worth it. But it is. And isn’t that the same with blood family? Every one has some stinkers but that doesn’t stop you from coming back every time for all the good. No matter how exhausting, draining, and sometimes sick they make me I NEED to go. I know that the pictures are just pictures and after they are done that’s it. I mean “normal” people don’t understand that, that just fuels everything. It’s interaction but it’s somehow more then that. The men are filling a void I have in my life with men. No men look at me the way they do in photos when I stupidly forget to look at them and instead look at the camera because I think that is what they are doing. No one interacts with me the way I request them to let me in photos. I NEED that. And the more photos I get like that….maybe somehow keeps it alive, possible, and maybe gives me more hope. I actually feel like it gives me less but…whatever. These photos are my only hope.

This last convention I went to was the day after my birthday. So the whole time I called it my birthday weekend. I am not the only person who does that at conventions either. And to top it off I was born on the same day as one of the actors that would be there and that I was meeting for the first time. She and this other woman are my hero’s, my female role models, I look up to them. I feel like they are who I want to become as an adult. Or at least something similar to them without the influence of my family. My family has influenced my view of myself for long enough thank you very much! I spent more money then ever before. I did something called the “PJ Party” that they put on through the convention for only 30 people, I did a meet and greet with them (my first one ever), and I got a crapton of photos with them. By the end that woman knew me, even if it wasn’t by name. And that isn’t what is important anyways.

This woman gave me the biggest gift with the smallest gesture that I could ever ask anyone for. And it still surprises me how much it means to me. Every time I talk or write about it I cry because it is so simple and so sad that I rarely get it. So the PJ party was 3 hours of time with these woman. So anyways we came in and were interacting with the attendees first. Getting to know each other until the main woman showed up. As the evening progressed I noticed that I felt more like myself then I ever do in a room full of people I don’t really know. I wasn’t shy, I felt outgoing and like myself, I didn’t have to apologize for anything. But that wasn’t even the gift. Tiny backstory: I rarely feel like anyone “sees, hears,” or “listens” to me. Which makes me feel like nothing I have to say is important or matters. My mom, she can’t help it, goes into her own little world in her head and can’t hear me too often. She will look for me to sit next to in a group or at church and she can’t “see” me so she gives up and sits behind me instead. This woman…..oh my god this woman. Any small thing I said, she responded to. For the meet and greet I tried not to talk much so I could give the opportunity to people who didn’t get the interaction with them that I had, had the night before. And even so I would say a couple word comment, one time just basically repeating what she had said and she would respond with like a, “yes,” or something. To acknowledge that I had spoken. I am pretty sure she even did it in the dark when we were watching an episode they were in together. Although that is harder to say. That is seriously the smallest thing ever. And I try to do the same thing to everyone in my life since I didn’t feel like I got it myself growing up. I know children are annoying and ask for a lot. But even just looking at them and letting them know that you heard them and will respond when you are done with what you are doing, I feel like that still makes them feel heard. And probably why people tell me i’ll make a good mom and/or Aunt. Because I pay more attention then most people.

I wish I could find a way to let her know how important that was to me. You never know the impact you have in peoples lives. That is something you can never know. And she was just “being” the wonderful and magnificent human being that she is. I didn’t even realize how big a deal this was to me until like the week after the con. She wrote a chapter in a book and if I remember correctly she talked about never feeling like she had a voice or she didn’t know if her voice was okay so she tried to take on other peoples voices instead. She “gets it” in all the most important ways I need her to. She understands pain. And if it means so much to me, is there a chance that I have impacted someones life as much as she did mine just by responding when people talk?

I guess that’s it for now. Write you next time.