Pain Resides

My brain says I miss you but that is a lie.
I miss who I thought you were.
I miss who I got to be with you.
I miss all the memories and good times we had together.

I don’t miss the drama.
I don’t miss your negativity like an anvil dragging me down.
I don’t miss YOU.
I don’t miss the pain you caused me when you left.
I don’t miss you dumping me like you dump your trash.
I don’t want you back in my life.

You are my angel for stepping out of my life.
I could never have left you.
Thank you.

I HATE you!
I hate you for leaving me alone.
I hate that you were my only friend.
I hate that I gave everything of myself to you.
I hate that you make me feel unloveable.
I hate that your love was conditional.
I hate how much you damaged me.
I hate how I can no longer trust.
I hate that you came back into my life when I was healing nicely.
I hate that now I have to start all over again.
I hate that you make me feel broken.
I hate that you will never fully leave my mind.

I showed you my scars.
I showed you my wounds.
I showed you my pain.
I showed you my worst.
You said it was okay.
You said you still loved me.
You nurtured my pain and broken pieces
And then you stomped all over my face.
You became one of those scarred pieces on my heart.
I gave you my heart.
Trusted you with it.
And I was wrong.
You never get to see my heart again.

I miss you.
My angel.

Now STAY gone.

Advertisements

Empath in a hard world

I am an empath which is different then feeling empathetic towards someone else. There are many different kinds of empaths. I am still figuring out what it means for me. I have always been deeply and immensely connected to my emotions. They are how I express myself and how I interact with people. I trusted what they told me growing up. However I believed the best in everyone I interacted with as well which was not a smart decision for me. I began having horrendous experiences with the friendships I made. To the point where I just decided it would be less painful to just not have any friends. That’s when my mom stepped up and became my friend. That is until I started connecting with people and putting myself out there again. I stopped trusting myself which gets me into awful situations with people.

Being an empath I just know things sometimes. I can feel things the way that most other people cant. It is awesome because it is like my superpower but it also sucks. It makes it harder to function in the harsh and difficult world I have been born into. I can have wonderful times/days/months but I HAVE to have recovery time. I am also and Extraverted Introvert which means I need recovery time from being around people twice as much. It doesn’t matter if the interaction is good or bad, I still need that time alone. However when it is good I find that I am able to go for longer periods of time before I even realize I need recovery time. And that time looks different every time. Yesterday it looked like being unable to move or get out of bed for a few hours, crying for no reason, eating very little. Then moving to lay on the couch and watching tv and movies until bedtime. Most often at least for me, it involves having my feet up, not moving much and feeling like emotional shit. Yeah….not fun. Normally I am lucky and that only lasts a day sometimes two. But what makes it hardest is even though I know I am strong and always bounce back; when I am in it…..It hurts. I feel crazy. I just want to be normal and like everyone else. I am different in too many ways. And they are all ways that make living in this hard, harsh world that much more difficult. I am left handed, an empath, trying to learn to trust myself (daily struggle), sensitive, damaged, person. Everything about me is different. When people say that, I know they mean it as a compliment but it isn’t fair. Why do I have to be different? Why do I have to struggle and be the one who changes the world? Why do I feel like an outcast that will never fit in?

My superpower is a tremendous gift but also a terrible burden. I believe people like me where put on this earth to shine our light in a dark time. To shine on for people who need it. When they are at their darkest. We have had our own hardships in life and that is what makes us able to relate, and at least try to understand the depth of what others are experiencing. We have to find the light within ourselves to shine for ourselves as well. Because it is easy to shine for others. Somehow it is easier then learning how to shine for ourselves, in our own darkest moments.

I joined a support group on FB for Empaths and it is one of the greatest things I think I have ever done for myself. I grew up in a family, I love them, but they can’t connect with me the way I want and need. I relate to them in whatever way I can find however I have always felt like I don’t fit and that I am a freak because of how different I am. They have figured out the secret, how to function in the world and they are doing it. It is easier for them. And that hurts me because it isn’t fair. I’m special, I’m here to make a difference. Oh well….that’s just great (sarcasm). Why do I have to struggle so much? There should be a way for me to do everything I want to and am meant for without having THIS much struggle. The support group makes me realize that things I thought were just “my” difference are actually universal for those like me. And there are less of us out in the world which is what makes it hard. Actually most times when I post things, people help me realize that I am actually doing better then I thought. Other people who are empaths don’t go out on weekends. It is too much after their work week. I am constantly out there. So that when I am not I am beating myself up. But I don’t have to. What I am experiencing is normal for me. And I just need to find a way to be okay with that.

Sensitive is GOOD!! It means you care and value people as well as things in the world. Crying is strength! Holding onto pain and not letting it out, not sharing it with others out of fear, that is unhealthy. I understand that everyone has their own way of dealing with things. I just hate so much about our society. It is okay for men to be in touch with their feelings and cry. Why is that considered non manly? It is great when woman cry. Why are we considered oversensitive? Why does society look down on anyone and everyone who FEELS deeply in any way. No one should cry in front of anyone else because it makes people uncomfortable is basically what society is telling us. Who gives a FUCK!!! Back off and let us be the magnificent beings we are cable of being if we stopped, stopping ourselves!! Being who we are in the negative and toxic world we are in is strength and courageous.

People in my life. Family and the few friends that I have, have called me Brave, Courageous and also tell me that I inspire them. My struggles inspire them. Yay for me. (Sarcasm if you couldn’t tell) That is great that they see all that in me. It really is. But, I can’t see that in me. Yes, I never give up. Yes, I always keep fighting. But that is because that is who I am. There is no other choice for me. Okay, so that is probably what courage is. My entire life I am always doing things that I am scared of. That is probably because I have anxiety. But I push past all of it and continue. Maybe because other people that see me do the things I do in my life feel that they could never do that themselves. Because of that they view me as brave or whatever. I mean, they are probably right. I am just saying that I don’t have a choice. I fight through the pain and struggle because I have to. It hurts. It sucks and I hate it. But….what else can I do but push through. I come out the other side every time. When I am in it and feel like it will be forever. Normally the harder I push NOT to experience something the worse it feels. When I give myself permission to go into the terrifying abyss of tears and pain, unpleasantness, and being uncomfortable; if I promise myself I wont live there forever, then I come out and back to the light much quicker.

I know I wrote a lot this time. But I guess that is it for now.

Thank you for reading. Write later.

Conventions are HOME.

I have had people ask me what it is about conventions that makes me so happy and fills up my soul so much. I have had a friend tell me, “I wish I had something in my life that made me as happy as conventions make you.” So how to begin to describe something that I could say is the most important part of my life to people who don’t watch the show. It is a difficult thing to describe and how much it means to me and how much it touches my soul.

My first convention type esque experience was when I went to the movie theatre to see the new Doctor in Doctor who. It was really cool to be surrounded by people who were all passionate about the same thing as you. It was like every person there could be your friend. People photo bomb another strangers photo. And all of that.

I want to say a few years later I went to my first ever Supernatural Convention. Now, everyone talks about how Supernatural Conventions are different then any other conventions. They are better and more personal and the photo op rooms are fun better. I didn’t fully understand until I went to Long Beach Comicon. It is a mass of people. Incredibly overwhelming for an introvert and an empath like me. I got a photo with the cast of Firefly with the exception of Nathan Fillion. And it wasn’t worth the money. While waiting in line you feel like (what’s the phrase?) like you are in a can of sardines? You come in with one or two people in front of you and are directed to stand on the X with no interaction with the actors. You can say bye when you are done but the next person is already coming up to them. And as soon as you leave the room, your photo is ready on the table.

Now….the photo op experience at a Supernatural convention is much different. Thanks to how the photographer Chris chooses to set things up. He understands what it means for us as fans to interact with the actors even real quickly. The company Creation is more organized. Takes the fans in by seat numbers so it is less crazy of a line. And then we get to be in the photo op room and see other fans get their photos as well as having music that the actors like in order to help relax them and have them enjoy the experience. You are also allowed to get more creative with your photos. You are able and allowed to talk to the actors and tell them what you want in the photo. You are still rushed by volunteers however you get more interaction. It is always quick. A couple seconds here and there. Then when you are done you can wait hours for your photos because he wants to make sure they look right.

I didn’t mean to start discussing photo ops first. My first time at a Supernatural Convention was wonderful and has evolved from then. I got tickets 3 weeks before the convention which shocked me that any were even still available. So far my experience with these conventions is that they are more intimate. That could be because they are focused on only one show. It is still overwhelming and a lot to take it but it doesn’t seem to matter because of how much you get from there.

The real reason I wanted to write this because I have always talked about the SPN Family. That is even what the fandom is called now. But recently I have really FELT how much that is true. Conventions are the only place in my life I ever feel truly at home. I know this is crazy but I think even if the actors weren’t there I would still go. To be surrounded by like minded people is wonderful. I love how anyone you talk to is nice. You are surrounded by “your” people and who wouldn’t like that. Especially when most of us in the fandom feel misunderstood, lonely and like loners in our every day lives. I don’t have a team or a group of friends that live near me. Never have and don’t know that I ever will. People “see” you, “hear” you, and love you, without judgment. We forget this and find ourselves still apologizing for who we are. We don’t get that kind of attention or love everyday. Even if we are lucky enough to get it every once in a while. It is rare. We long for it. We crave it. It feeds our soul and keeps us coming back every year. Sometimes if we can financially push it twice a year. If I was rich I would go to every convention they have. Every.Single.One. It is that worth it to me. We keep coming back HOME. Trying to find it and create it in our every day life but can’t seem to. It is a calling to us. It pushes us through the hard times in our lives. It helps us to move forward and to always have something to look forward to and plan for. Where we can see our chosen family again that grows a little bigger every year. The more conventions you go to the more friends you have at each one. Supernatural is my HOME and always will be and that is all there is to it. And no one can understand that unless they have experienced these cons and are a fan of the show as well.

That is it for now. Write next time.