Cynical Realism

I used to be this positive person. Someone who believed the best in people, gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and way more chances then they deserved. I thought that the people you grew up with were supposed to be who you were friends with forever. Then I got used, emotional abused, and taken advantage of one too many times. Now I don’t know who that positive person is or if she even exists anymore. I was harassed by the first person I ever decided to finally call my “best friend.” I was correct to be wary of that word. No place was safe. Then my friend who helped me through that dumped me a few months afterwards, blaming it on something I had said that she couldn’t deal with. So, once again everything is my fault.

Now I trust no one. It sounds awful but it is true. People have to earn my trust and even when they do I don’t trust that they will stick around forever. People change, grow and evolve. However some don’t. How is it even possible for two people to grow together? I have become cynical and I hate that I have. However I have also become more realistic. Everyone will let you down at some point in your life. The only person you can really count on is yourself. No matter what happens in my life, no matter how often I get punched to the ground. I always get back up. I don’t even know how I do it. I think it is because I have no other choice.

I want to trust. I want to love. But the pain hurts so much that I am in a constant battle between my heart and my brain. It’s a tug a war and no one is winning. I am strong. I am strong because I have to be. Because for me there is no other choice in the matter. I face everything head on because I always come out the other side somehow. It sucks and I hate it because I deserve better. I deserve someone to come into my life and fix everything. Someone to change my mind. But really I am the only person capable of changing my thinking and perspective. Everything takes time and it is still fresh enough that it hurts and I am desperately still trying to protect myself. I don’t want to get hurt again. The pain is too much. But I can’t help myself. I always care and trust to a certain extent. It’s a constant struggle. Time heals all wounds but I HATE having to wait. And even when it is more healed it won’t stop it from ever being a sore spot and bruise. It will just become something I am accustomed to and wont hurt or be as painful but it will still always be there. Just like all of the punches, cuts, bruises and scars on my heart and soul. We all have them and we all have to find a way to live with them and learn from them. That is our life.

Write again later.

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Vulnerability Poem

Vulnerability (inspired by the actor Wentworth Miller)

I see you
I see your soul
I see the pain
See the anguish
See your trauma
See your strength
It all makes you that much more beautiful

I see your soul
I recognize that pain
And it touches my soul

We are the same.
Souls reaching out
Trying, desperate to connect

Open the door to your heart
Show us your scars
That is the bravest action one can do
And I thank you because,
In your soul I see myself
Through your soul I find me

Thank you for your strength
Thank you for showing up
LOVE

Empath in a hard world

I am an empath which is different then feeling empathetic towards someone else. There are many different kinds of empaths. I am still figuring out what it means for me. I have always been deeply and immensely connected to my emotions. They are how I express myself and how I interact with people. I trusted what they told me growing up. However I believed the best in everyone I interacted with as well which was not a smart decision for me. I began having horrendous experiences with the friendships I made. To the point where I just decided it would be less painful to just not have any friends. That’s when my mom stepped up and became my friend. That is until I started connecting with people and putting myself out there again. I stopped trusting myself which gets me into awful situations with people.

Being an empath I just know things sometimes. I can feel things the way that most other people cant. It is awesome because it is like my superpower but it also sucks. It makes it harder to function in the harsh and difficult world I have been born into. I can have wonderful times/days/months but I HAVE to have recovery time. I am also and Extraverted Introvert which means I need recovery time from being around people twice as much. It doesn’t matter if the interaction is good or bad, I still need that time alone. However when it is good I find that I am able to go for longer periods of time before I even realize I need recovery time. And that time looks different every time. Yesterday it looked like being unable to move or get out of bed for a few hours, crying for no reason, eating very little. Then moving to lay on the couch and watching tv and movies until bedtime. Most often at least for me, it involves having my feet up, not moving much and feeling like emotional shit. Yeah….not fun. Normally I am lucky and that only lasts a day sometimes two. But what makes it hardest is even though I know I am strong and always bounce back; when I am in it…..It hurts. I feel crazy. I just want to be normal and like everyone else. I am different in too many ways. And they are all ways that make living in this hard, harsh world that much more difficult. I am left handed, an empath, trying to learn to trust myself (daily struggle), sensitive, damaged, person. Everything about me is different. When people say that, I know they mean it as a compliment but it isn’t fair. Why do I have to be different? Why do I have to struggle and be the one who changes the world? Why do I feel like an outcast that will never fit in?

My superpower is a tremendous gift but also a terrible burden. I believe people like me where put on this earth to shine our light in a dark time. To shine on for people who need it. When they are at their darkest. We have had our own hardships in life and that is what makes us able to relate, and at least try to understand the depth of what others are experiencing. We have to find the light within ourselves to shine for ourselves as well. Because it is easy to shine for others. Somehow it is easier then learning how to shine for ourselves, in our own darkest moments.

I joined a support group on FB for Empaths and it is one of the greatest things I think I have ever done for myself. I grew up in a family, I love them, but they can’t connect with me the way I want and need. I relate to them in whatever way I can find however I have always felt like I don’t fit and that I am a freak because of how different I am. They have figured out the secret, how to function in the world and they are doing it. It is easier for them. And that hurts me because it isn’t fair. I’m special, I’m here to make a difference. Oh well….that’s just great (sarcasm). Why do I have to struggle so much? There should be a way for me to do everything I want to and am meant for without having THIS much struggle. The support group makes me realize that things I thought were just “my” difference are actually universal for those like me. And there are less of us out in the world which is what makes it hard. Actually most times when I post things, people help me realize that I am actually doing better then I thought. Other people who are empaths don’t go out on weekends. It is too much after their work week. I am constantly out there. So that when I am not I am beating myself up. But I don’t have to. What I am experiencing is normal for me. And I just need to find a way to be okay with that.

Sensitive is GOOD!! It means you care and value people as well as things in the world. Crying is strength! Holding onto pain and not letting it out, not sharing it with others out of fear, that is unhealthy. I understand that everyone has their own way of dealing with things. I just hate so much about our society. It is okay for men to be in touch with their feelings and cry. Why is that considered non manly? It is great when woman cry. Why are we considered oversensitive? Why does society look down on anyone and everyone who FEELS deeply in any way. No one should cry in front of anyone else because it makes people uncomfortable is basically what society is telling us. Who gives a FUCK!!! Back off and let us be the magnificent beings we are cable of being if we stopped, stopping ourselves!! Being who we are in the negative and toxic world we are in is strength and courageous.

People in my life. Family and the few friends that I have, have called me Brave, Courageous and also tell me that I inspire them. My struggles inspire them. Yay for me. (Sarcasm if you couldn’t tell) That is great that they see all that in me. It really is. But, I can’t see that in me. Yes, I never give up. Yes, I always keep fighting. But that is because that is who I am. There is no other choice for me. Okay, so that is probably what courage is. My entire life I am always doing things that I am scared of. That is probably because I have anxiety. But I push past all of it and continue. Maybe because other people that see me do the things I do in my life feel that they could never do that themselves. Because of that they view me as brave or whatever. I mean, they are probably right. I am just saying that I don’t have a choice. I fight through the pain and struggle because I have to. It hurts. It sucks and I hate it. But….what else can I do but push through. I come out the other side every time. When I am in it and feel like it will be forever. Normally the harder I push NOT to experience something the worse it feels. When I give myself permission to go into the terrifying abyss of tears and pain, unpleasantness, and being uncomfortable; if I promise myself I wont live there forever, then I come out and back to the light much quicker.

I know I wrote a lot this time. But I guess that is it for now.

Thank you for reading. Write later.