At this moment I am sitting in the dark of my apartment. All my lights are turned out and I am in a negative mindset. I have had another very difficult day. Even though nothing has really gone that wrong. If I could just change my perspective to a more positive one. At this moment I am definitely a glass half empty girl. So much for me feeling like I didn’t have anything to write about on this blog today.
I recently moved 7 hrs away from the city that I was born and raised in. I moved mainly to be closer to my sister but also because I was unhappy where I was. But this is the biggest change I have ever voluntarily done for myself and it is so much harder and emotional then I expected it to be. I have only been here a few months and I already need a break from my life. 😦
I am still unpacking and beating myself up that I am not done yet. I have done so much today and it feels like nothing because I am so far from being done. Plus people are coming to town in a couple weeks and I STILL wont be ready for them. What I did today :
~ Went to my Spiritual Center for Service
~ Went to and ate Subway
~ Bought Groceries, got home, and put them away
~ Went to Uhal to drop of some empty boxes and such while also hoping to run into the man who told me I was Gorgeous last time I was there. I didn’t see him. 😦
~ Got gas in my car so I am ready fro my commute tomorrow to work at the place that I am happy to be back at. After being moved around so much last week I am grateful to be back.
Then I arrived home and started to feel myself going to my dark place. It always begins with negative thoughts. ‘I didn’t do enough today. I did so much but it isn’t enough because look at how much further you have to go. You are no where near finishing and it will never happen. When have you every finished unpacking?” And then I received a phone call that I should NOT have answered from a family member. Clearly she was stressed out and frustrated so she was using her pissy voice. I can’t handle shit anymore. I can’t talk on the phone with AAA so they email me. It’s been days and I STILL can’t bring myself to even look at that email. I still need to do my laundry (sheets) because I haven’t done them in too long. My weekend is seriously Saturday. Because I spend all of Sunday preparing for work Monday.
I hang up the phone and realize that one of the things I have always wanted to be as an actor is no longer possible. And I can never have the opportunity or possibility to do it again. I know that sounds close minded. But this is a senior high school film project where I was a “Deaf friend.” It is basically an extra role and I don’t know that I really had a lines. BUT….it is a Deaf character. And because I think it is a high school production it might not actually get that big. Because the Deaf frown upon hearing people playing Deaf characters because that takes away roles from them. Which is completely understandable. So that is what I mean by I will NEVER get this chance again but I now live 7 hrs away and they are only filming that on one day during that week. And I just cant go for only one day. Plus I have been connecting with the two main actors online and I was excited to go back. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. But because I am upset, I don’t see why I should even continue to help consult with the Sign Language. What’s the point? I need to see when my work’s Spring Break is. Maybe I can still make it work somehow.
I just feel like there is always something going on that I am stressed or upset about and it makes me feel like I am a crazy person. Can it really just be because I have a lot of stress in my life from basically starting over? More going on in my life then I have ever had before and I don’t feel like I will ever be able to figure out how to handle it. Plus I am pressuring myself so that whenever anyone else wether it be family or friends make one small comment that validates that I am failing, it just excentuates (how do you spell?) my pain. I am taking all of my supplements even if I am starting to run out of one and keep forgetting to call and see what name they changed it to. I always find myself thinking, “What is wrong with me?” And I am crying on and off while typing this. I know this is a shitty way to end this blog today but I got nothing. And this is where my brain is stopping things.
Sorry to be a downer. (I need to stop apologizing for myself!)
Write you next time.