Adulting…..?

It is very interesting “adulting”, and “adulthood.” Most of being an adult involves responsibilities that we never wanted or signed up for. And maybe what I am talking about isn’t exactly adulting but more like being more loving to people. I am going to become a first time Auntie….hopefully in June and I feel like I am more aware of the loving and maybe even “motherly” side of myself. When my mom was in town recently we were laying in bed chatting together. My head was a little higher then her’s on my pillow. As I was looking at her I felt like I was supporting and being more loving towards her then she was towards me. I don’t know if I have ever felt that way before but If I have then it is a very rare occurrence for me. I am starting to see a change happening in me. A drastic change for the better as always. However I still have this fear that the kid and I won’t have anything in common or that for some reason wont want connect or like me as much as I already feel towards it. 😦

I guess I didn’t really have that much to say but there it is…..It is cool to feel mature and adult sometimes. When not focusing on having to pay bills and such.

Write you next time.

Good Days

I wanted to write sooner but I didn’t have the time. And now that I have some time back I am not exactly sure what I want to say, just that I want to write again. Everyone has good and bad days. That is part of life.

Okay, let me start again. I wrote what is above a while ago. Then got distracted by life as one does. Now I am excited to write about my 2 wonderful days in a row where nothing too remarkable happened and yet I am on Cloud 9. Just a heads up. Since I am talking about two full days, this is going to be long. So my sister’s birthday was March 16, yesterday. Wow…so much has happened that it feels like way longer then yesterday. Anyways I need to start of with talking about work..:

I really didn’t want to go to work even though it is the closer job and it is only an hour and 15 mins. I didn’t want to have to deal with my “team” and I don’t feel supported enough to even use that word, but there it is. Anyways, I got there earlier then normal so I didn’t have to stress about being on time/late. I come out of the elevator and standing next to the door is a different woman that I have worked with once before and is super sweet. I like her a lot. I ran quickly to the bathroom because the student wasn’t there yet. As I was walking back down the hallway my team, lets call her Dee, is coming to ask me a question. She was totally following my lead because it is normally my class. Long story short….kinda :P, I interpreted for 40 mins and she interpreted for 15. To begin with, that pissed me off. I almost felt as if I was being tested and she was going to report back to my boss’. But, I had over reacted. We ended up walking back to our cars together. And she said that she was so happy I interpreted for most of it because she was looking at em working my ASS OFF interpreting in as much English structure as I could because the student was more English anyways and trying to see what signs I used for specific things. I was literally sweating. Seriously. She apparently thought to herself, “I can’t do that. It’s too much work.” But I am also more comfortable that way because I don’t want to miss any important information. However he was talking way faster then normal because he had to give them all the information from two lectures in one class time. She said I kept up with him (the teacher) well. And that after her car accident she fell way behind in her signing so I actually have been in the profession and interpreting for two years longer then her. And I don’t know if I could have done more ASL grammatical structure in that class or not. I’m happy I don’t need to find out. I needed that type of positive feedback. I mean we all do. All the time. And I really appreciated it. Plus the client seemed to understand and after each class she thanks both interpreters and sometimes students don’t do that. I mean I never expect it. It shows how much you genuinely appreciates what we provide for her. So that was one thing that made me exceptionally happy.

Now it was my sisters birthday so I don’t need to do much about that. What I want to talk about happened while at her house and seemed like a negative at the time but turned into a positive by the end of the night. My mom was in town and had overdone it. She was burnt out and that is never good with anyone but especially with her. I also need to preface with the fact that for as long as I can remember I have had a problem with feet. I don’t like other peoples feet touching me or even getting close to me. There is a point to this I promise. Stick with me. I am more okay when people are wearing socks as long as I know they are clean. To show you how bad it is, I don’t even like to touch my own feet. It doesn’t matter how clean they are, or if I just got out of the shower. Your feet touch the floor and the floor you walk on is dirty. I think it makes sense. So if I touch my feet I right afterwards have to wash my hands. This is probably the weirdest thing about me. But I mean, everyone has something odd like this about themselves as well. So anyways, my feet are cold and so I put them under my sisters blanket. Shortly after my moms feet join under the same blanket which makes me incredibly uncomfortable to start with but she doesn’t care. Then I feel skin touch skin, I react by lifting my legs up and trying to move further into the corner. She things I am “over-reacting.” There is the fucking word again! And the words that, for lack of a better word, Killed me were, “You know what, you just need to get over it.”……….. There is not a long enough pause I can put after that. She is smiling and basically laughing at me as we stare down each other. Normally I break down and laugh but I am FUCKING PISSED!! However it is my sister’s birthday and she is sitting right next to me. In the past I am known to always create problems so I have to control myself however there is no way I can let this go in the moment. I HAVE to say SOMETHING. I have never been more clear in my life. I said, “you are really upsetting me and making me feel crazy and like an awful person and you need to stop it right now.” She proceeds to continue to smile at me and laugh with her eyes and that makes me even more angry. Either she doesn’t get it or she doesn’t care. In the moment it felt like she didn’t care because it didn’t matter to me if she didn’t get it. Somehow we ignored and moved past it which I also didn’t want. So I decided since it wasn’t the time or place I would wait till we were alone at the end of the day and talk to her about it then.

Then at the end of the night we arrive home and park in my apartment pod for my car. When my neighbors come out as well. Now the day before my mom had gotten to meet the successful actor that lived next door. Her husband is the first neighbor I met when I moved in and I have seen him around during the 2 months since I moved in. But I was starting to wonder if she really existed. Anyways, so my mom was lucky enough to have met her and lay all the ground word for me. She told her all the important information about me. And then FINALLY last night I.MET.HER!!!!! And she is wonderful!! She promised me that we will talk. I said I wanted to pick her brain. Her husband is more involved with the music side of things. But might be able to get me free tickets to Chicago in town and then introduce me to people. They both want to do what they can to help make my dream come true. They said they know everyone which means that they have all the connections. And it sounds like they are willing to use them for my advantage. She said she believes in synchronicity. Which I think means the same thing I believe which is, “everything happens for a reason.” I was supposed to move here. Everything is happening just the way it is supposed to. And now I am one of the many people helping take care of one of their dogs while they are out of town for the weekend. He’s blind and just needs to be taken out to pee at night.

Then we went up to my apartment and I talked to my mom. It went great, mostly. She didn’t really let me fully express myself and what I wanted to before she was already apologizing and saying that she does understand. Just that I am so close to “being just like everyone else.”………(dramatic pause)
That is when I had a realization. I know I am not like everyone else and I never will be and after she said that i was like, ‘I don’t want to be.’ Everyone else sucks and I am a rockstar standing in my power! My mom my whole life has told me how difficult everything has been for me and how I have always had to work twice as hard as everyone else just to be close to the same level. That may be true but I wouldn’t know that unless I had someone pointing it out all the time. I know it is meant to show how much I have overcome and how great I am doing but…. Is that her goal for me? To be just like everyone else. Then I would no longer be me. And we were just talking earlier the same day about how I am not that problem child anymore and how she no longer sees me that way. But she apparently does see that I have things I will never overcome and that really are stupid things that aren’t important. She had said something about me having a foot fetish. I was like, “That means that you LOVE feet!! That is the opposite of how I feel!”

Now it is Friday. That was all Thursday. I am tired and trying to get out to two Meetups tonight so I can get to know more people and I think they are fairly close. However I am running out of time. And then I don’t get to sleep in tomorrow because my sister has friends over and is celebrating her birthday with them tomorrow and I am along for the ride as well. And I spoke with another neighbor just now before I started writing this. Got her phone number and last night I FINALLY got the actor’s husbands phone number. (Actor I think is more respectful even when talking about a woman actor. More so then Actress)

Wish me luck. Hope this happy feeling lasts and doesn’t crash and burn in another day or two like it has before.

Thanks for reading.

Write you next time. ^_^

The Actor’s Pain

I had a great couple of days. And then today happened. I recently decided that I want to be an actor. I have been involved in theatre for a few years and I hate auditions. However I have started auditioning for Films and I enjoy being in front of the camera so much more.

I had something as an extra today. And everything that could go wrong went wrong. And so I ended up unable to do it and came back home. I learned a lot about how to read a Call Sheet. I never realized that I don’t think I have ever seen or read one before. However I couldn’t help but feel like I was wrong in some ways. I read the address wrong and therefore went to the wrong place. However those who should have been in contact with me were not. I was initially told to be there at 5pm with all the other extras and then the director emailed me at 2:03pm that call time was at 3pm. I didn’t receive that email until 2:30pm and then when I got everything ready I arrived and spent an hour looking for them at the wrong location. And of course the reason I freak out and start crying when I FINALLY get a hold of someone to rudely explain, barely, what happened. I am afraid that I burned a bridge before I even got in the business.

I would give up on acting in a second if it didn’t do so much for me. It fills my soul. Something that even theatre can’t do for me anymore. And I can’t give up on something that fills my soul up that much even if it is sparatic and I don’t know if and when it will ever happen. It is another reason why I am obsessed and addicted to the app, Dubsmash.

So, I come home and sit into my funk. This is the type of feeling that nothing can bring you out of. Where you know you will be happy again but you just need to sit in the funky feeling for a while. Maybe you could call it a little bit of wallowing. I don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything. And that is always a huge thing for me because I always need to talk it out with friends. Finally I make myself walk across the street to get food. After I eat. I feel a little better. I have also figured out that baths seem to help me feel better but I don’t want to take one because it takes too much effort to get it all together. I am strong and can handle so much and I have. I just hate that I have to do that. I pick myself back up and continue every time I am knocked down because I don’t have any other choice. I just have to.

Write you later.

Bad Day

At this moment I am sitting in the dark of my apartment. All my lights are turned out and I am in a negative mindset. I have had another very difficult day. Even though nothing has really gone that wrong. If I could just change my perspective to a more positive one. At this moment I am definitely a glass half empty girl. So much for me feeling like I didn’t have anything to write about on this blog today.

I recently moved 7 hrs away from the city that I was born and raised in. I moved mainly to be closer to my sister but also because I was unhappy where I was. But this is the biggest change I have ever voluntarily done for myself and it is so much harder and emotional then I expected it to be. I have only been here a few months and I already need a break from my life. 😦

I am still unpacking and beating myself up that I am not done yet. I have done so much today and it feels like nothing because I am so far from being done. Plus people are coming to town in a couple weeks and I STILL wont be ready for them. What I did today :

~ Went to my Spiritual Center for Service
~ Went to and ate Subway
~ Bought Groceries, got home, and put them away
~ Went to Uhal to drop of some empty boxes and such while also hoping to run into the man who told me I was Gorgeous last time I was there. I didn’t see him. 😦
~ Got gas in my car so I am ready fro my commute tomorrow to work at the place that I am happy to be back at. After being moved around so much last week I am grateful to be back.

Then I arrived home and started to feel myself going to my dark place. It always begins with negative thoughts. ‘I didn’t do enough today. I did so much but it isn’t enough because look at how much further you have to go. You are no where near finishing and it will never happen. When have you every finished unpacking?” And then I received a phone call that I should NOT have answered from a family member. Clearly she was stressed out and frustrated so she was using her pissy voice. I can’t handle shit anymore. I can’t talk on the phone with AAA so they email me. It’s been days and I STILL can’t bring myself to even look at that email. I still need to do my laundry (sheets) because I haven’t done them in too long. My weekend is seriously Saturday. Because I spend all of Sunday preparing for work Monday.

I hang up the phone and realize that one of the things I have always wanted to be as an actor is no longer possible. And I can never have the opportunity or possibility to do it again. I know that sounds close minded. But this is a senior high school film project where I was a “Deaf friend.” It is basically an extra role and I don’t know that I really had a lines. BUT….it is a Deaf character. And because I think it is a high school production it might not actually get that big. Because the Deaf frown upon hearing people playing Deaf characters because that takes away roles from them. Which is completely understandable. So that is what I mean by I will NEVER get this chance again but I now live 7 hrs away and they are only filming that on one day during that week. And I just cant go for only one day. Plus I have been connecting with the two main actors online and I was excited to go back. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. But because I am upset, I don’t see why I should even continue to help consult with the Sign Language. What’s the point? I need to see when my work’s Spring Break is. Maybe I can still make it work somehow.

I just feel like there is always something going on that I am stressed or upset about and it makes me feel like I am a crazy person. Can it really just be because I have a lot of stress in my life from basically starting over? More going on in my life then I have ever had before and I don’t feel like I will ever be able to figure out how to handle it. Plus I am pressuring myself so that whenever anyone else wether it be family or friends make one small comment that validates that I am failing, it just excentuates (how do you spell?) my pain. I am taking all of my supplements even if I am starting to run out of one and keep forgetting to call and see what name they changed it to. I always find myself thinking, “What is wrong with me?” And I am crying on and off while typing this. I know this is a shitty way to end this blog today but I got nothing. And this is where my brain is stopping things.

Sorry to be a downer. (I need to stop apologizing for myself!)

Write you next time.

Boss’

As a Sign Language Interpreter I work many different places and many different jobs in one week. Sometimes even in one day. Because of this I have multiple boss’. I am totally fine being an employee and reporting to my boss’….at least I think I am. 😛 However with more boss’ you get more miscommunication. I always find that funny. In a profession that is all about communication we still have problems on how to communicate with one another. Something I am trying to get myself to realize is that boss’ are NOT perfect. Just because they have been doing it longer. Lets say for example…30 years doesn’t make what I bring to the table any less important. One reason I was really pissed off last week or I guess it was technically this week was because I was given “feedback” that I didn’t ask for. I put feedback in quotes because it was criticism. It felt incredibly negative and feedback has a more positive connotation.

What people fail to understand….maybe even one of my boss’ included is that everyone is different. Deaf people the same as hearing people have different ways that they choose to sign. They could sign lazy and be difficult to understand, maybe they sign things inaccurately or maybe they are super clear and articulate making them that much easier to understand. So the fact that I didn’t tap the specific sign twice isn’t that big of a deal. The student understood and looks at me mouthing the words at the same time. It didn’t change the message. But I need a mentor, is what she says. And my immediate thought and reaction is….”I work at the agency every day and don’t get home till 4 when you all leave the office and go home so I don’t have time to be mentored PLUS and this is a biggie, I don’t trust any of you FUCKERS!!”

I team with my boss for this specific class that meets once a week. And in my opinion she is not a good interpreter. Her signing space is too small which feels to me like she is whispering or trying to be less noticeable, she fingerspells like a mad woman and I have no idea what she is saying half the time, she misses information, has trouble hearing things in class and hardly looks at me to support me when I am interpreting. Also NORMALLY when in a team situation you switch back and forth every 20 mins. The first day she said that she leaves that in control of the person who is interpreting in the moment. Okay….here is where I get pissed!! I have NEVER heard of that before!! There is an incredibly good reason why we NEED to switch. Our brains and bodies and hands get tired and we need a little break. It doesn’t matter how good you think you are doing. Plus this class is NOT easy to interpret and not having a set time to switch back and forth means that I have NO IDEA when I start interpreting. SO anyways I interpreted most of this class. Because the way she asked if I wanted to switch was by asking if I was….”okay?” SERIOUSLY???!!!! WHAT….THE…..FUCK….?!! THat is NOT how you ask. And now it is MY FAULT that we didn’t switch. So I told her that I am so focused on interpreting that I can’t pay attention to the time as well. It is just one more thing for me and I don’t have the time to focus on that while at the same time doing the hard job that is interpreting. I think I was clear with her now but next week I’ll remind her and see how that goes. That is if she shows up before the fucking class has ALREADY STARTED!!! One comment was like, “you interpreted a long time for a beginning interpreter.” It felt incredibly condescending. And EXCUSE ME but it may be my first semester working at this college but it is my THIRD year as an interpreter. So how DARE you treat me like a baby interpreter. Yes, I am still a beginner….technically…maybe more intermediate BUT this is not my first class or my first time interpreting. I AM NOT A CHILD!!! I am used to the past college I worked at giving me 2/3 hour classes FUCKING SOLO because she was horrendous at her job and was incredibly disrespectful. Yes I was struggling a bit but if my BOSS sees that then it shouldn’t matter that I didn’t switch us, she needed to take the initiative and make us switch anyways. It’s hard when I look to her and she is looking at the teacher or anywhere but at me. ARRRGGGHHH!!!

All this to say, I need to realize that this boss is FAAARRR from perfect and just because they say something doesn’t mean they are right. They are just humans as well and she is retiring at the end of the semester plus this class only meets once a week. Plus I have a high school client that ADORES me and complains about how shitty my sub/potential replacement is. The Deaf like me and appreciate me. It is the hearing boss’ that make my life more difficult. I adjust because different education systems have different rules for interpreters and some of the lines get blurry. I am trained for College but have adjusted to working in High School and I think I am doing great! So, FUCK, everyone else.

It doesn’t matter your skill level or how many years you have been interpreting. You can gain knowledge and insight from anyone. Everyone has had different experiences and I might know a new sign that I learned from a Deaf person that the “pro” does not. We can still learn from one another. Just because I haven’t been doing it as long doesn’t make me any less skilled as an interpreter.

This is still a fresh upset for me and as you will come to find out I enjoy cursing in my every day life. I might even write a blog about that some time.

Thanks for reading. Write you next time.

Body Image

theI have been incredibly lucky in my life. I grew up without any body image issues. I am 3 years younger then my sister. She was in College and I was in High School. She would be picking and popping zits in our mirror and I would look at her and ask, “What are you doing?” I was always happy with myself, my body, and my looks. I had no complaints. Being a tall proportional female when there aren’t many out there makes things more difficult. But somehow I didn’t notice. Maybe I was just too oblivious. I also saw how my mom and sister would weigh themselves on a scale everyday and how destructive that was. I still rarely weigh myself. And I have noticed some insecurities I thought were my own, I actually share with my mom. But I know it didn’t help being asked for a couple months in a row anytime I was emotional if I was on my period? That should be a question taken out of our vocabulary and unacceptable to ask anyone at anytime. Also the word ‘over emotional’ should be taken out of our vocabulary because that word only cause pain and self doubt. I have to try to learn once again that my feelings are valid. It doesn’t matter if they are highly intense. Whatever I am feeling matters and has a reason behind it.

Lately I have noticed that I am viewing myself differently. I look at pictures from a few years ago where I thought I looked great and I am seeing flaws that I didn’t notice before. I am afraid that I am developing body dismorphia which sucks because I am an adult and I should know better. I KNOW that I am not fat, but….

I am tall and curvy and the only person who has ever made me feel small and like I could disappear is the actor, Jared Padalecki from the television show Supernatural. Even when I find guys who are taller then me in the real world which is a rare, then they are thin and I still feel huge and fat next to them. Again I “know” that I am not fat. I am a tall female who is proportional and has curves. Most tall people have the lanky look which helps them appear thinner. I hate that I am developing this and I am trying to love my body again but I don’t know how. I wish it was easier.

I had a guy recently tell me that I am gorgeous. And the other day at work people loved my outfit. I was pissed off about things that were happening in my life and was told by a random woman that I looked like I was walking down the runway. I just couldn’t receive it because I didn’t think I looked that good at all. I was just wearing a regular t-shirt and long skirt. I am getting positive feedback but still feel stuck. I don’t have any solutions. I am still in the thick of it and it FUCKING SUCKS!

I guess that is all for now. Write you next time.

First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

This is my first time venturing out into the written blog world. I am nervous and hesitant however I am jumping out of my comfort zone. One reason is because my whole life I have felt that I have something worthwhile to say. How I am feeling on a daily basis might help other who are struggling. I have been encouraged by a couple friends that think I need to start a blog or vlog of some sort. So I thought I would start with a written one. I am more comfortable on paper as it is anyways. And maybe I can start a vlog as a continuation of this blog at a later date. One thing that has held me back is that I don’t know how consistent I will be able to be because life can sometimes take a hold of me and that distracts me. It is hard to know when I will be spit back out.

Recently I wrote something when I was struggling with something myself. I felt the need to show a couple of my friends and one in particular asked if she could save it because she feels like she might need to read it again at some time in the future. I am going to share this with you now and this is one of the main reasons I have decided to start this blog. I hope It can help others. My plan is just to express myself fully as I am, with no apologies. So I might not always sound put together or eloquent. This is really for me but if I can help people while at the same time process my feelings and work through issues then that is awesome. Here is what I wrote:

“OH hello, my new insecurity. This wound is still fresh and yet it has been months. I didn’t think it would still hurt like this now. However as I have seen with my previous experience the pain does become less the more you work through it and with the more time that passes. I don’t know if it ever goes fully away but it becomes bearable. Maybe even barely noticeable.

Each person is made up of cracks and the broken pieces of themselves. I heard someone talk about how that shapes us into the puzzle pieces we are and that way we can find the other people who fit in with those cracks and breaks in ourselves that we thought were flaws and pieces of ourselves that were broken beyond repair.

Others can be there to support us and listen to us as long as they don’t have to answer for others mistakes. That is not fair to them and not their responsibility to take on that burden and fix us. Even if they could, that is not their responsibility. It is up to us to find a way to work through and past our trauma. We come out stronger because of it.”

I guess I’ll leave it at that for my first post. Write you next time.