Mind Ya Buisness/Talk to ME!

This blog entry is a little more venting then normal for me. It’s something that has bothered me for a while and then a similar thing happened to my friend and so now I feel the need to talk about it. It has to do with Facebook and there are a couple of different things I want to talk about. So I have been told that I express too much and share too much with the Facebook world. Well….I haven’t been blessed with great, supportive, and wonderful friends growing up so Facebook was where I turned too. When I thought I had good friends I noticed that I posted less about my feelings on Facebook status’. Facebook became the friend I needed even if it sucked as well. And my emotions are so all over the place that I am sure I come across as crazy and “over emotional.” (Still despise that word) The thing that upset me somewhat recently. Since I moved about 3 months ago. It was shortly after I moved and I was told by my sister that some of my brother-in-law’s family that I was friends with on Facebook wanted to check that I was okay because my posts made them worried. SERIOUSLY!!! I understand that his family is uber sweet and loving and caring. However why the FUCK didn’t they come and talk to ME!!! The person who posted on FB because I was trying to reach out to people and have them respond to ME!! I mean, seriously, what a concept!! If you are worried about me then you should, TALK.TO.ME!!! And people read too much into what I post. Yes, I am upset. But with me things could become fine in an hour or most likely the next day.

Along similar lines to that I would have family friends that I see in the real world. What I mean by that is that I see them outside of the interwebs and computer. And one person in particular would always say, “I follow you on Facebook.” Now I know a lot of people like things like that but to me it just feels creepy and stalkerish. And I don’t need that in my life again. Seriously, I understand that you are “keeping up with me online,” but when people say that and they NEVER comment on anything, NEVER talk to me online, AND NEVER like anything that I post, then it feels weird. I know older people probably don’t know the unspoken rules when you are online but….I mean it isn’t like I am famous or even that popular. I might understand it more then. Or if it was like on twitter or something like that it would be different but we are talking about FB.

And lastly is what happens to me and now I find out my friend too. We have been made to feel uncomfortable about what we want to post on OUR OWN fucking Facebook page. It makes other people uncomfortable or there is too much Supernatural. So you should ease up on all that. When my friend told me this happened to her as well, I went OFF!!! I am over it! I don’t give a FUCK what anyone else thinks about my page. If it makes them uncomfortable then that is not my fucking responsibility!! They should know that there is this great feature where you can block what you see from me, or stop “following” me, and that way you can see less of what makes YOU uncomfortable. That is NOT my problem and you making it my problem is just going to poke at the bear that I am becoming. And you don’t want to mess with that. I may not actually be able to kick your ass but I can tear you apart with my words. I will not change who I am and what I want to post. Facebook is an expression of me and if you don’t like any of it then you can go fuck yourself! Friends OR family. I don’t have time for that shit anymore! Stop making little comments about how it’s all I talk about. When, I am in person and around you and know you aren’t a fan of what I am I try desperately not to talk about it as long as I would otherwise out of respect for you. I am who I am and if you can’t accept that or don’t want to take the time to try to then you get to walking right out of my life. I am done and not taking this shit from other people anymore.

If I make you uncomfortable for a valid reason that doesn’t have to do with who I am or how I am choosing to express myself then that is a different matter and we can discuss it further at length at a different time. If it is because of something I said to you. I will probably feel bad and apologize because I never meant it that way. But don’t you EVER tell me to change who I am because it makes YOU uncomfortable. Because if that is the case then, I don’t give a flying fuck!

Write you next time.

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“Best” Friend Lie

I would like to preface with this is my opinion from my bad experiences. I understand that it is not going to be a popular opinion. I don’t expect anyone to agree with me.

Having said that “best” friend’s don’t exist. There is no such thing. “Best” indicates that there can only be one. However that is not the way the world uses this term. Many people talk about “one of my MANY best friends.” Growing up, from an early age I thought that the word was wrong and cruel. When talking about a “best” friend in front of other friends it hurts. It was always used around me growing up and people where NEVER using it to describe me.

Then I went to my first convention for a specific TV show that I love. I met my first and second best friend there. I was so excited because I finally had a best friend. And as soon as that one crashed and burned because she cyber stalked and cyber bullied me I had another “bestie” there to help me pick up the pieces of myself again. Only to have her get mad at me for saying something that upset her and then dropping me as a friend. So “best” friends are a lie and don’t exist. At least not for me. Which just makes it that much worse and unfair.

Now when I hear or see people online talking about their “best” friends I have a physical reaction to it. Either I stop reading, I cringe, or I become pissed off. “Lucky them.” (Sarcasm) Someone online said that their “best” friend blew them off on said person’s birthday for the second year in a row. I responded that then that friend doesn’t seem worthy of the title “best”friend.

Friends in my life tell me that they believe I will find it again in a new person. But I don’t believe them and even if I did. I could NEVER call them that again. It isn’t a safe word and opens me up to being completley barren and exposed to the knifes that people carry with them again. I can’t do that to myself again. I have a friend right now and just realized tonight that if she were to leave me how much that would hurt again. I don’t think I have put her on a pedistal like all the previous people in my life. But it feels too similar to the wonderful aspects of being a “best” friend and having one back that it terrify’s me. And I have NEVER even met her in person or heard her voice yet. I know that she will read this as well and idc. I am writing it anyways.

Think about what this word could mean for others in your life and use it carefully. That word has power. And people say big things and words without thinking. They don’t realize the power those silly little words have. It sucks and it isn’t fair. I am not weak! I am not fragile! And I deserve to be treated a hell of a lot better.

And the worst of it. Is I know this is wrong and I know it isn’t my fault but…. I am the common factor in all these situations. I try to see the best in people no matter how much or often they let me down. Maybe on some level I think I deserve it. I grew up always feeling like I was the problem because I was the youngest. Everything is always my fault. Or at least that is what everyone else thinks. It is something I am trying to deal with to this day. And it sucks ass!!!

I guess that is it for now. 😦

Write you next time.

Just Say No?

I feel like all I ever say lately is no. The word itself is incredibly helpful when helping to create boundaries. Something that I have always struggled with a bit. I don’t want to say no to people. Working with a manipulative personality most days of the week has really helped benefit me in many ways. Working with her has made me more strong in myself. I have always known who I am as a person. Now I understand how to create boundaries with this specific client and with my boss’ as well.

When my boss asked me the other day if I had ever interpreted for a person with low type of mental issues. I responded saying that I had not and that those words made me nervous and uncomfortable and asked what exactly they meant by that. I have told them previously that I can’t work at kindergarden’s and that when I am commuting an hour there that i need to work at LEAST 2 hrs minimum. Otherwise the drive isn’t worth my time or the money. I am going to a convention with a friend in June and I feel like all I am ever saying is no to her and I feel a little bad about it. She wanted to see the Grand Canyon on our drive their or back. But that add’s 3 more hrs onto our trip that is already a 2 day trip and we don’t have time to do that because of when her flight comes in. She wants to go to the beach and I am okay walking on the beach at sunset but I don’t enjoy laying out in the sun plus it isn’t healthy to do that for hours anyways. Two things that I haven’t said no to but I want to is doing our nails and going shopping before we leave. I know that getting our nails done is enjoyable. I just don’t know that I want to do anything different with mine since they already look like I have a French Manicured naturally without doing anything to them. And then I could probably suck it up and go shopping before we leave. It is just hard because I am an introvert and I want to focus on being there. It would be different if we had planned more time to go and sightsee and stuff but we didn’t plan for that. SO now I feel like a buzz kill. However she has said no to some of my ideas and the way she said it felt very unapologetic. So maybe that is just part of being an adult. Saying no and having it be alright.

I have talked to some of my other friends and they say that I am creating boundaries. What I am saying no to is NOT closing me off from new experiences. I am constantly putting myself out there and going out of my comfort zone. Having said that, I know what my limits are and I respect myself enough to know not to go over them. So many people in the world don’t understand how to say no because they want and feel the need to please everyone. Or they are afraid people will be upset if they say no.

I really feel that I am coming into my own. Even if this isn’t the first time I have said that. That doesn’t make it any less true. Part of saying no, is knowing how you deserve to be treated and saying no to when people do something that is unacceptable to you. Especially family. I am still so proud of myself that I was able to stick up for myself in the moment, the last time that my mom was in town. If I can do that then I am able to do anything because standing up to your family is the hardest thing. Which is another thing that is weird in itself because they are the people that love you more then anyone else. I think it is because when you are with your family you typically revert back to who you were when you were a child. I am no longer a child. I have grown, transformed, and come such a long way. I need to prove that to myself and to my family every time I am around them.

ANyways there is so much power in saying no. I am all for it. Even though I feel like I am a buzz kill at the moment. I know who I am and what I need and I am respecting myself. Learning to say no is important as long as you don’t abuse it or use it to hide from experiencing new things. The mental institution that I told my boss’ no to would have been too much negativity for an empath like me to handle and even if it is apparently “minor” I don’t trust people in that situation. I didn’t feel like it was a safe environment for me and that is the best time to say no. There are other things that also terrify me that I wouldn’t want to accept a work assignment for but I do anyways because I know it will help me grow and improve to become a better interpreter and maybe teach me something that I can use in my everyday life as well.

Well, I guess that’s if for now.

Write you next time.

Being a Woman

Being a woman sucks. Especially once a month. For those guys out there who don’t believe that being premenstral is a thing, It TOTALLY IS!! It sucks and makes us feel crazy. I was great until I started. I was feeling great. Had a couple of good days that just kept getting better in a row. Then with the excitement of my sisters birthday celebration and all of her friends it just got me more and more exhausted. Then I finally had the day off after everyone went home today. I left before the last couple. I have finally realized that just because I live a mile aways does NOT mean I am obligated to stay until everyone else leaves. So I excused myself and have been laying on the couch watching Netflix most of the day. That would be fine if my mind wasn’t going crazy with things.

It is a little bit hard to explain and I am not sure if anyone will understand but here it goes. I am not like really upset about anything. I have a small need to cry but it hasn’t happened. I don’t feel miserable. I just don’t want to see anyone, I want to be left alone. However at the same time I am lonely and want a friend. It makes no sense, I know and yet that is how I am feeling.

Last I checked I was assuming I was going to have to work tomorrow but they always wait on the weekends to text me till late to figure things out. Lucky tonight it was between 7pm-8pm. I have been asking advice from my friends on what to do but couldn’t seem to get myself to text my boss’. And then instead I get a text from them. Earlier then normal asking If I am still up for it. ANd I wanted to talk to my friends but they had all become busy and so no one responded when I needed them to which is completely understandable. The area where I normally work is on Spring Break so if I choose I didn’t have to work at all this week. That is unless I was interested. I have noticed something about myself. If I have too many days off I get bored and unhappy. I need to have things to do. So having the full week off is not a smart plan for me. However if I give myself Monday to recover a little more then I don’t see that as a problem. Another thing that I am realizing is that there are so many more introverted people in the world then I realize. And NEEDING to take some time or even a day or so to recover from “peopleing” is a total normal and valid thing to need for myself.

A silly and random part of my weekend. My sister said a joke after I tapped out of doing the pile of dishes with the party. There were plenty of people willing to help and my hands were shaking because I hadn’t been drinking enough water. (take care of yourself people. It is important) So anyways, she says, “Jesus never tapped out.” Cause I guess she saw that on a bilboard somewhere once. And I responded with, “Jesus also never had a period!……And.I.DO!” Looking back on it I am a little embarrassed but I wasn’t in the moment so I am trying not to let myself over-think it like I do.

I just had to write some of this down. I know it is probably all over the place but so am I. 😛 Being a woman is hard. You men have NO.IDEA! I still like being a female. I wouldn’t want to change places or anything but still….

I think a new couple has moved in next door. I was creepy and watched through the peep hold in my door. And I care but I am so done and tired about everything that I am not going out of my way to try to meet them. Everyone in this house is “nice” and everyone in the house next door is just the best. Super sweet and wonderful and I just want to interact with all of them on a daily basis.

Write you next time….I guess.

Adulting…..?

It is very interesting “adulting”, and “adulthood.” Most of being an adult involves responsibilities that we never wanted or signed up for. And maybe what I am talking about isn’t exactly adulting but more like being more loving to people. I am going to become a first time Auntie….hopefully in June and I feel like I am more aware of the loving and maybe even “motherly” side of myself. When my mom was in town recently we were laying in bed chatting together. My head was a little higher then her’s on my pillow. As I was looking at her I felt like I was supporting and being more loving towards her then she was towards me. I don’t know if I have ever felt that way before but If I have then it is a very rare occurrence for me. I am starting to see a change happening in me. A drastic change for the better as always. However I still have this fear that the kid and I won’t have anything in common or that for some reason wont want connect or like me as much as I already feel towards it. 😦

I guess I didn’t really have that much to say but there it is…..It is cool to feel mature and adult sometimes. When not focusing on having to pay bills and such.

Write you next time.

Good Days

I wanted to write sooner but I didn’t have the time. And now that I have some time back I am not exactly sure what I want to say, just that I want to write again. Everyone has good and bad days. That is part of life.

Okay, let me start again. I wrote what is above a while ago. Then got distracted by life as one does. Now I am excited to write about my 2 wonderful days in a row where nothing too remarkable happened and yet I am on Cloud 9. Just a heads up. Since I am talking about two full days, this is going to be long. So my sister’s birthday was March 16, yesterday. Wow…so much has happened that it feels like way longer then yesterday. Anyways I need to start of with talking about work..:

I really didn’t want to go to work even though it is the closer job and it is only an hour and 15 mins. I didn’t want to have to deal with my “team” and I don’t feel supported enough to even use that word, but there it is. Anyways, I got there earlier then normal so I didn’t have to stress about being on time/late. I come out of the elevator and standing next to the door is a different woman that I have worked with once before and is super sweet. I like her a lot. I ran quickly to the bathroom because the student wasn’t there yet. As I was walking back down the hallway my team, lets call her Dee, is coming to ask me a question. She was totally following my lead because it is normally my class. Long story short….kinda :P, I interpreted for 40 mins and she interpreted for 15. To begin with, that pissed me off. I almost felt as if I was being tested and she was going to report back to my boss’. But, I had over reacted. We ended up walking back to our cars together. And she said that she was so happy I interpreted for most of it because she was looking at em working my ASS OFF interpreting in as much English structure as I could because the student was more English anyways and trying to see what signs I used for specific things. I was literally sweating. Seriously. She apparently thought to herself, “I can’t do that. It’s too much work.” But I am also more comfortable that way because I don’t want to miss any important information. However he was talking way faster then normal because he had to give them all the information from two lectures in one class time. She said I kept up with him (the teacher) well. And that after her car accident she fell way behind in her signing so I actually have been in the profession and interpreting for two years longer then her. And I don’t know if I could have done more ASL grammatical structure in that class or not. I’m happy I don’t need to find out. I needed that type of positive feedback. I mean we all do. All the time. And I really appreciated it. Plus the client seemed to understand and after each class she thanks both interpreters and sometimes students don’t do that. I mean I never expect it. It shows how much you genuinely appreciates what we provide for her. So that was one thing that made me exceptionally happy.

Now it was my sisters birthday so I don’t need to do much about that. What I want to talk about happened while at her house and seemed like a negative at the time but turned into a positive by the end of the night. My mom was in town and had overdone it. She was burnt out and that is never good with anyone but especially with her. I also need to preface with the fact that for as long as I can remember I have had a problem with feet. I don’t like other peoples feet touching me or even getting close to me. There is a point to this I promise. Stick with me. I am more okay when people are wearing socks as long as I know they are clean. To show you how bad it is, I don’t even like to touch my own feet. It doesn’t matter how clean they are, or if I just got out of the shower. Your feet touch the floor and the floor you walk on is dirty. I think it makes sense. So if I touch my feet I right afterwards have to wash my hands. This is probably the weirdest thing about me. But I mean, everyone has something odd like this about themselves as well. So anyways, my feet are cold and so I put them under my sisters blanket. Shortly after my moms feet join under the same blanket which makes me incredibly uncomfortable to start with but she doesn’t care. Then I feel skin touch skin, I react by lifting my legs up and trying to move further into the corner. She things I am “over-reacting.” There is the fucking word again! And the words that, for lack of a better word, Killed me were, “You know what, you just need to get over it.”……….. There is not a long enough pause I can put after that. She is smiling and basically laughing at me as we stare down each other. Normally I break down and laugh but I am FUCKING PISSED!! However it is my sister’s birthday and she is sitting right next to me. In the past I am known to always create problems so I have to control myself however there is no way I can let this go in the moment. I HAVE to say SOMETHING. I have never been more clear in my life. I said, “you are really upsetting me and making me feel crazy and like an awful person and you need to stop it right now.” She proceeds to continue to smile at me and laugh with her eyes and that makes me even more angry. Either she doesn’t get it or she doesn’t care. In the moment it felt like she didn’t care because it didn’t matter to me if she didn’t get it. Somehow we ignored and moved past it which I also didn’t want. So I decided since it wasn’t the time or place I would wait till we were alone at the end of the day and talk to her about it then.

Then at the end of the night we arrive home and park in my apartment pod for my car. When my neighbors come out as well. Now the day before my mom had gotten to meet the successful actor that lived next door. Her husband is the first neighbor I met when I moved in and I have seen him around during the 2 months since I moved in. But I was starting to wonder if she really existed. Anyways, so my mom was lucky enough to have met her and lay all the ground word for me. She told her all the important information about me. And then FINALLY last night I.MET.HER!!!!! And she is wonderful!! She promised me that we will talk. I said I wanted to pick her brain. Her husband is more involved with the music side of things. But might be able to get me free tickets to Chicago in town and then introduce me to people. They both want to do what they can to help make my dream come true. They said they know everyone which means that they have all the connections. And it sounds like they are willing to use them for my advantage. She said she believes in synchronicity. Which I think means the same thing I believe which is, “everything happens for a reason.” I was supposed to move here. Everything is happening just the way it is supposed to. And now I am one of the many people helping take care of one of their dogs while they are out of town for the weekend. He’s blind and just needs to be taken out to pee at night.

Then we went up to my apartment and I talked to my mom. It went great, mostly. She didn’t really let me fully express myself and what I wanted to before she was already apologizing and saying that she does understand. Just that I am so close to “being just like everyone else.”………(dramatic pause)
That is when I had a realization. I know I am not like everyone else and I never will be and after she said that i was like, ‘I don’t want to be.’ Everyone else sucks and I am a rockstar standing in my power! My mom my whole life has told me how difficult everything has been for me and how I have always had to work twice as hard as everyone else just to be close to the same level. That may be true but I wouldn’t know that unless I had someone pointing it out all the time. I know it is meant to show how much I have overcome and how great I am doing but…. Is that her goal for me? To be just like everyone else. Then I would no longer be me. And we were just talking earlier the same day about how I am not that problem child anymore and how she no longer sees me that way. But she apparently does see that I have things I will never overcome and that really are stupid things that aren’t important. She had said something about me having a foot fetish. I was like, “That means that you LOVE feet!! That is the opposite of how I feel!”

Now it is Friday. That was all Thursday. I am tired and trying to get out to two Meetups tonight so I can get to know more people and I think they are fairly close. However I am running out of time. And then I don’t get to sleep in tomorrow because my sister has friends over and is celebrating her birthday with them tomorrow and I am along for the ride as well. And I spoke with another neighbor just now before I started writing this. Got her phone number and last night I FINALLY got the actor’s husbands phone number. (Actor I think is more respectful even when talking about a woman actor. More so then Actress)

Wish me luck. Hope this happy feeling lasts and doesn’t crash and burn in another day or two like it has before.

Thanks for reading.

Write you next time. ^_^

The Actor’s Pain

I had a great couple of days. And then today happened. I recently decided that I want to be an actor. I have been involved in theatre for a few years and I hate auditions. However I have started auditioning for Films and I enjoy being in front of the camera so much more.

I had something as an extra today. And everything that could go wrong went wrong. And so I ended up unable to do it and came back home. I learned a lot about how to read a Call Sheet. I never realized that I don’t think I have ever seen or read one before. However I couldn’t help but feel like I was wrong in some ways. I read the address wrong and therefore went to the wrong place. However those who should have been in contact with me were not. I was initially told to be there at 5pm with all the other extras and then the director emailed me at 2:03pm that call time was at 3pm. I didn’t receive that email until 2:30pm and then when I got everything ready I arrived and spent an hour looking for them at the wrong location. And of course the reason I freak out and start crying when I FINALLY get a hold of someone to rudely explain, barely, what happened. I am afraid that I burned a bridge before I even got in the business.

I would give up on acting in a second if it didn’t do so much for me. It fills my soul. Something that even theatre can’t do for me anymore. And I can’t give up on something that fills my soul up that much even if it is sparatic and I don’t know if and when it will ever happen. It is another reason why I am obsessed and addicted to the app, Dubsmash.

So, I come home and sit into my funk. This is the type of feeling that nothing can bring you out of. Where you know you will be happy again but you just need to sit in the funky feeling for a while. Maybe you could call it a little bit of wallowing. I don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything. And that is always a huge thing for me because I always need to talk it out with friends. Finally I make myself walk across the street to get food. After I eat. I feel a little better. I have also figured out that baths seem to help me feel better but I don’t want to take one because it takes too much effort to get it all together. I am strong and can handle so much and I have. I just hate that I have to do that. I pick myself back up and continue every time I am knocked down because I don’t have any other choice. I just have to.

Write you later.