Famdom Life and Conventions

I had a short conversation with my mom last night about me and going to conventions. She has been very supportive and even helped me when I needed extra money in order to help me go to the specific convention or con of my choice. However they have raised their prices and that made her ask me a question last night that just proves she has no idea how important these cons are to me.

“But are you done going now because the prices went up and you already have so many photos? What else is there for you there?” I told her more photos, meeting actors that I haven’t met yet. I told her that I keep coming up with more photo op ideas. However I didn’t even think to tell her about the Family that I have there. how it is the one thing in my life at this moment in time that I look forward to and feeds me and my soul. I can’t stop and it is just getting worse. It is the one place I can fully be myself without apologies and where other people “get it.” Even when it isn’t a safe place it is still safer then the world outside of a con.

I would think it would be pretty obvious how much it means to me and how important it is. I mean I meet two people at my first convention that ended up being the worst friend experiences so far in my life. Which is saying something because up until this point I have had pretty shitty friends. And yet I STILL want and NEED to go. With anything else in my life I would think that it wouldn’t be worth it. But it is. And isn’t that the same with blood family? Every one has some stinkers but that doesn’t stop you from coming back every time for all the good. No matter how exhausting, draining, and sometimes sick they make me I NEED to go. I know that the pictures are just pictures and after they are done that’s it. I mean “normal” people don’t understand that, that just fuels everything. It’s interaction but it’s somehow more then that. The men are filling a void I have in my life with men. No men look at me the way they do in photos when I stupidly forget to look at them and instead look at the camera because I think that is what they are doing. No one interacts with me the way I request them to let me in photos. I NEED that. And the more photos I get like that….maybe somehow keeps it alive, possible, and maybe gives me more hope. I actually feel like it gives me less but…whatever. These photos are my only hope.

This last convention I went to was the day after my birthday. So the whole time I called it my birthday weekend. I am not the only person who does that at conventions either. And to top it off I was born on the same day as one of the actors that would be there and that I was meeting for the first time. She and this other woman are my hero’s, my female role models, I look up to them. I feel like they are who I want to become as an adult. Or at least something similar to them without the influence of my family. My family has influenced my view of myself for long enough thank you very much! I spent more money then ever before. I did something called the “PJ Party” that they put on through the convention for only 30 people, I did a meet and greet with them (my first one ever), and I got a crapton of photos with them. By the end that woman knew me, even if it wasn’t by name. And that isn’t what is important anyways.

This woman gave me the biggest gift with the smallest gesture that I could ever ask anyone for. And it still surprises me how much it means to me. Every time I talk or write about it I cry because it is so simple and so sad that I rarely get it. So the PJ party was 3 hours of time with these woman. So anyways we came in and were interacting with the attendees first. Getting to know each other until the main woman showed up. As the evening progressed I noticed that I felt more like myself then I ever do in a room full of people I don’t really know. I wasn’t shy, I felt outgoing and like myself, I didn’t have to apologize for anything. But that wasn’t even the gift. Tiny backstory: I rarely feel like anyone “sees, hears,” or “listens” to me. Which makes me feel like nothing I have to say is important or matters. My mom, she can’t help it, goes into her own little world in her head and can’t hear me too often. She will look for me to sit next to in a group or at church and she can’t “see” me so she gives up and sits behind me instead. This woman…..oh my god this woman. Any small thing I said, she responded to. For the meet and greet I tried not to talk much so I could give the opportunity to people who didn’t get the interaction with them that I had, had the night before. And even so I would say a couple word comment, one time just basically repeating what she had said and she would respond with like a, “yes,” or something. To acknowledge that I had spoken. I am pretty sure she even did it in the dark when we were watching an episode they were in together. Although that is harder to say. That is seriously the smallest thing ever. And I try to do the same thing to everyone in my life since I didn’t feel like I got it myself growing up. I know children are annoying and ask for a lot. But even just looking at them and letting them know that you heard them and will respond when you are done with what you are doing, I feel like that still makes them feel heard. And probably why people tell me i’ll make a good mom and/or Aunt. Because I pay more attention then most people.

I wish I could find a way to let her know how important that was to me. You never know the impact you have in peoples lives. That is something you can never know. And she was just “being” the wonderful and magnificent human being that she is. I didn’t even realize how big a deal this was to me until like the week after the con. She wrote a chapter in a book and if I remember correctly she talked about never feeling like she had a voice or she didn’t know if her voice was okay so she tried to take on other peoples voices instead. She “gets it” in all the most important ways I need her to. She understands pain. And if it means so much to me, is there a chance that I have impacted someones life as much as she did mine just by responding when people talk?

I guess that’s it for now. Write you next time.

Bitch! WTF is your Problem?!

I am in rehearsals for a play called Dark Road. It is about an all female concentration camp during the Holocaust. My character is a female guard and the cast is made up of wonderful people…..for the most part. Last night was a bad, bad, night. Bad, bad, bad night. I got their a tad bit early to walk with one of the characters to get coffee. I don’t drink but I wanted to hang out with her alone because we hadn’t gotten to do that yet. I really like her and her energy. As we were walking the 3 mins to coffee she shared some very personal stuff about her life with me. Things that she doesn’t share with just anyone. That isn’t the first time something like that has happened with me. I create a very safe space for people to feel comfortable being themselves so often times I hear, “I don’t know why I am telling you all of this.” Which she said a couple of times during our walk. And I contributed to the conversation as well and we both got distracted and stuff like that. It was very nice. She isn’t the Bitch that this post is about because she isn’t a bitch to me. I had been having trouble staying awake all day. On my hour commute to and from work and then also on my drive to rehearsal as well. I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Another thing you need to know about this awesome girl is that she knows some Sign Language. If you haven’t read any of my previous posts, I am a Sign Language Interpreter. She has taken classes before and wants to become an interpreter as well so every so often we will sign together during rehearsal.

So……in comes this really sweet woman. She always has something nice to say about everyone and talks….too much but it’s okay because it is normally nice things about you or the play. She isn’t present for rehearsals often since normally they are closed rehearsal meant only for the actors. However this woman is also in charge of costumes for the play as well as the mother of one of the actors in the play. She is also a holocaust survivor herself so I understand that, that must come with a ton of scars, trauma, etc. However that is no excuse! So anyways, the other cast member and I are signing during a meeting in order to be respectful and less disruptive. She is saying it would be fun if for the Gala night she sings a song while I interpret it. Then I ask her about a specific song. And then all of the sudden the woman who wasn’t even paying attention to us when we started signing is livid and yelling at the two of us in front of the whole cast. Okay the cast isn’t that many people but still!!! Saying that we probably don’t believe her but that she is deaf and that she reads our lips and how disrespectful that is. I am a sign language interpreter and that means that she is technically deaf but she doesn’t identify as a Deaf person. Because that would mean that she is a part of the Deaf community and knows sign language. Most Deaf people use sign language and are appreciative if you are using it when around them so they aren’t lost. Yes we weren’t talking at the same time……So basically she was attaching me as a human being because I was trying to be respectful and she was attacking my profession as an interpreter. To my fucking face! I would have spoken up for myself but I was on the verge of tears and was trying to hold myself together.

However that girl I went to coffee with did it for me. Angry she said, “Can I say something to that?” Basically asking if she had to take that or if she could speak up for herself. She spoke directly to the woman saying that if she has a problem she shouldn’t have done it in front of everyone. She should have waited until a break or after rehearsal to come up to her individually and say something. So of course the woman countered that she was talking to both of us not just the girl speaking up for herself. The girl said that we were trying to be respectful and non disruptive.

We weren’t disruptive but everything about this woman, even when she is positive is a disruption. She talks all the time and has no gage of when it is too much, inappropriate and when she should stop. Her daughter is the female guard opposite me and I thought we could be friends but now I am closing up to her at least on the inside. Even though she isn’t her mother I still feel they are close and it is no longer safe for me to be friends with her.

The other upsetting thing is I didn’t have energy for any of this. Then the director is great and always tells us how amazing we each are and what we did great with our character before we leave for rehearsal and I couldn’t receive the wonderful thing she said about me. And the girl thought it was important that if the director talked to her about it after rehearsal that I should be there as well. But instead she needed to talk to the actor alone about something that wasn’t related to that. I got my stuff and whispered to the girl, “So I guess I waited for nothing,” exhausted I went to my car and bawled for about 15 mins before I drove home where two cars almost hit me on the freeway. I am a GOOD driver but everyone was in some god damn hurry at 10:15 at night?!! What the fuck!

I woke up this morning and texted the girl to see if she talked to the director about things. She “gets” me. She is my hero. This is what her text said, “Well basically I told her that it made you and I very pissed off and very uncomfortable. I threw some real shit in there, I hope you don’t mind. I said, ‘How do you think that makes quean29 feel? She already feels like she doesn’t have any friends and now someone just stripped her of the one thing that she knows and loves doing. How dare L do that.’ She just doesn’t have any right. That’s what pisses me off so bad.” That is exactly partly how I am feeling. I really felt like she channeled for me in the moment with L as well. I mean she has all the knowledge about Deaf culture so it makes sense. I am just used to being the person who is educating people. And the girl has worked with this woman before and so she doesn’t take her shit.

I posted on FB trying to get support. And I got a lot of support which normally works and at least helps me feel a little better. I want it to, that’s why I posted about it….vaguely. However nothing is hitting me in that way or making me feel better. And the whole time writing this I am trying not to cry. It is too painful and I am so SICK of crying for days about one thing or another. I get that I am transitioning and transforming to my new life in many ways all at once and I am turning 30 next month but I just need a day or so break. I think I deserve that! Why do I have to cry so deeply everyday? I don’t care that I am an empath and super in touch with my feelings. There has to be a better way then having to experience this much pain all the time. Well….so much for not crying.

I know this is longer then most my posts but I had to at least get it down. Man, do I need that massage I am getting at 4pm today……

Write you next time.

There were so many better ways she could have approached us. Tell us politely and nicely to stop because it was bothering her which we both would have apologized and totally done. Instead she became a guard. Those who she despises and who tortured people….maybe even her. And without a warning ATTACKED!! Thank GOD it wasn’t just me…..but in some ways it felt like it was mostly me. Because that is who I am as a person!

“Inside Out”

I have been thinking about the movie Inside Out. I saw it all the way through in the movie theatre once. When I first saw the movie I related to the character Sadness. I told people this and it wasn’t received well. My voice teacher at the time made me feel like I was wrong and crazy. She said that we should all strive to be more like the character, Happiness. But I HATED that character! She is selfish, self centered, know it all, who thinks she is right about everything. She remains overly positive in hopeless situations. This is what is wrong with our society.

Society embraces the belief that everyone needs to stay happy all the time and that showing sadness is a weakness, pathetic, and people who do that in public are pathetic. Sadness in the movie had WAAAAYYY more redeeming qualities. She would sit and listen when someone was upset. She never claimed to be right about everything. And even though Happiness was judgemental and made her feel like everything she did and who she is was wrong; Sadness never stopped being herself. That is something that we should all aspire to. No matter what, always being true to ourselves. That doesn’t mean that others opinion’s won’t hurt or damage us because we are caring people. But they can’t change who we are and should NEVER try to because who we are, is fucking awesome and the BEST! We are who we are and the rest of the world needs to butt out and stop giving their opinions on things that don’t affect them.

People in my life just completely missed the whole message of the movie. EVERYTHING comes from and starts with Sadness. Without Sadness we can’t appreciate any of the other emotions. You never are just ONE emotion. Recently in the past few years, all the times I get angry what is really the underlying emotion is sadness and hurt. I become angry in order to protect myself and create a boundary and it is more appropriate in public until I can have some time away from people in a safe space to deal with the real emotion which is sadness. We all experience multiple emotions at once. If we were only happy, or sad, or envious, or angry all the time then that is unbalanced. Emotions all work together to create, experience, and help us grow/transform. Through pain and sadness we can find happiness to help give us motivation and strength to push through.

Going back and looking at Sadness. I am HAPPY that I relate more to her. She is awesome and I no longer see that as a bad thing. And that is good. 🙂

Write you next time.

Mind Ya Buisness/Talk to ME!

This blog entry is a little more venting then normal for me. It’s something that has bothered me for a while and then a similar thing happened to my friend and so now I feel the need to talk about it. It has to do with Facebook and there are a couple of different things I want to talk about. So I have been told that I express too much and share too much with the Facebook world. Well….I haven’t been blessed with great, supportive, and wonderful friends growing up so Facebook was where I turned too. When I thought I had good friends I noticed that I posted less about my feelings on Facebook status’. Facebook became the friend I needed even if it sucked as well. And my emotions are so all over the place that I am sure I come across as crazy and “over emotional.” (Still despise that word) The thing that upset me somewhat recently. Since I moved about 3 months ago. It was shortly after I moved and I was told by my sister that some of my brother-in-law’s family that I was friends with on Facebook wanted to check that I was okay because my posts made them worried. SERIOUSLY!!! I understand that his family is uber sweet and loving and caring. However why the FUCK didn’t they come and talk to ME!!! The person who posted on FB because I was trying to reach out to people and have them respond to ME!! I mean, seriously, what a concept!! If you are worried about me then you should, TALK.TO.ME!!! And people read too much into what I post. Yes, I am upset. But with me things could become fine in an hour or most likely the next day.

Along similar lines to that I would have family friends that I see in the real world. What I mean by that is that I see them outside of the interwebs and computer. And one person in particular would always say, “I follow you on Facebook.” Now I know a lot of people like things like that but to me it just feels creepy and stalkerish. And I don’t need that in my life again. Seriously, I understand that you are “keeping up with me online,” but when people say that and they NEVER comment on anything, NEVER talk to me online, AND NEVER like anything that I post, then it feels weird. I know older people probably don’t know the unspoken rules when you are online but….I mean it isn’t like I am famous or even that popular. I might understand it more then. Or if it was like on twitter or something like that it would be different but we are talking about FB.

And lastly is what happens to me and now I find out my friend too. We have been made to feel uncomfortable about what we want to post on OUR OWN fucking Facebook page. It makes other people uncomfortable or there is too much Supernatural. So you should ease up on all that. When my friend told me this happened to her as well, I went OFF!!! I am over it! I don’t give a FUCK what anyone else thinks about my page. If it makes them uncomfortable then that is not my fucking responsibility!! They should know that there is this great feature where you can block what you see from me, or stop “following” me, and that way you can see less of what makes YOU uncomfortable. That is NOT my problem and you making it my problem is just going to poke at the bear that I am becoming. And you don’t want to mess with that. I may not actually be able to kick your ass but I can tear you apart with my words. I will not change who I am and what I want to post. Facebook is an expression of me and if you don’t like any of it then you can go fuck yourself! Friends OR family. I don’t have time for that shit anymore! Stop making little comments about how it’s all I talk about. When, I am in person and around you and know you aren’t a fan of what I am I try desperately not to talk about it as long as I would otherwise out of respect for you. I am who I am and if you can’t accept that or don’t want to take the time to try to then you get to walking right out of my life. I am done and not taking this shit from other people anymore.

If I make you uncomfortable for a valid reason that doesn’t have to do with who I am or how I am choosing to express myself then that is a different matter and we can discuss it further at length at a different time. If it is because of something I said to you. I will probably feel bad and apologize because I never meant it that way. But don’t you EVER tell me to change who I am because it makes YOU uncomfortable. Because if that is the case then, I don’t give a flying fuck!

Write you next time.

“Best” Friend Lie

I would like to preface with this is my opinion from my bad experiences. I understand that it is not going to be a popular opinion. I don’t expect anyone to agree with me.

Having said that “best” friend’s don’t exist. There is no such thing. “Best” indicates that there can only be one. However that is not the way the world uses this term. Many people talk about “one of my MANY best friends.” Growing up, from an early age I thought that the word was wrong and cruel. When talking about a “best” friend in front of other friends it hurts. It was always used around me growing up and people where NEVER using it to describe me.

Then I went to my first convention for a specific TV show that I love. I met my first and second best friend there. I was so excited because I finally had a best friend. And as soon as that one crashed and burned because she cyber stalked and cyber bullied me I had another “bestie” there to help me pick up the pieces of myself again. Only to have her get mad at me for saying something that upset her and then dropping me as a friend. So “best” friends are a lie and don’t exist. At least not for me. Which just makes it that much worse and unfair.

Now when I hear or see people online talking about their “best” friends I have a physical reaction to it. Either I stop reading, I cringe, or I become pissed off. “Lucky them.” (Sarcasm) Someone online said that their “best” friend blew them off on said person’s birthday for the second year in a row. I responded that then that friend doesn’t seem worthy of the title “best”friend.

Friends in my life tell me that they believe I will find it again in a new person. But I don’t believe them and even if I did. I could NEVER call them that again. It isn’t a safe word and opens me up to being completley barren and exposed to the knifes that people carry with them again. I can’t do that to myself again. I have a friend right now and just realized tonight that if she were to leave me how much that would hurt again. I don’t think I have put her on a pedistal like all the previous people in my life. But it feels too similar to the wonderful aspects of being a “best” friend and having one back that it terrify’s me. And I have NEVER even met her in person or heard her voice yet. I know that she will read this as well and idc. I am writing it anyways.

Think about what this word could mean for others in your life and use it carefully. That word has power. And people say big things and words without thinking. They don’t realize the power those silly little words have. It sucks and it isn’t fair. I am not weak! I am not fragile! And I deserve to be treated a hell of a lot better.

And the worst of it. Is I know this is wrong and I know it isn’t my fault but…. I am the common factor in all these situations. I try to see the best in people no matter how much or often they let me down. Maybe on some level I think I deserve it. I grew up always feeling like I was the problem because I was the youngest. Everything is always my fault. Or at least that is what everyone else thinks. It is something I am trying to deal with to this day. And it sucks ass!!!

I guess that is it for now. 😦

Write you next time.

Just Say No?

I feel like all I ever say lately is no. The word itself is incredibly helpful when helping to create boundaries. Something that I have always struggled with a bit. I don’t want to say no to people. Working with a manipulative personality most days of the week has really helped benefit me in many ways. Working with her has made me more strong in myself. I have always known who I am as a person. Now I understand how to create boundaries with this specific client and with my boss’ as well.

When my boss asked me the other day if I had ever interpreted for a person with low type of mental issues. I responded saying that I had not and that those words made me nervous and uncomfortable and asked what exactly they meant by that. I have told them previously that I can’t work at kindergarden’s and that when I am commuting an hour there that i need to work at LEAST 2 hrs minimum. Otherwise the drive isn’t worth my time or the money. I am going to a convention with a friend in June and I feel like all I am ever saying is no to her and I feel a little bad about it. She wanted to see the Grand Canyon on our drive their or back. But that add’s 3 more hrs onto our trip that is already a 2 day trip and we don’t have time to do that because of when her flight comes in. She wants to go to the beach and I am okay walking on the beach at sunset but I don’t enjoy laying out in the sun plus it isn’t healthy to do that for hours anyways. Two things that I haven’t said no to but I want to is doing our nails and going shopping before we leave. I know that getting our nails done is enjoyable. I just don’t know that I want to do anything different with mine since they already look like I have a French Manicured naturally without doing anything to them. And then I could probably suck it up and go shopping before we leave. It is just hard because I am an introvert and I want to focus on being there. It would be different if we had planned more time to go and sightsee and stuff but we didn’t plan for that. SO now I feel like a buzz kill. However she has said no to some of my ideas and the way she said it felt very unapologetic. So maybe that is just part of being an adult. Saying no and having it be alright.

I have talked to some of my other friends and they say that I am creating boundaries. What I am saying no to is NOT closing me off from new experiences. I am constantly putting myself out there and going out of my comfort zone. Having said that, I know what my limits are and I respect myself enough to know not to go over them. So many people in the world don’t understand how to say no because they want and feel the need to please everyone. Or they are afraid people will be upset if they say no.

I really feel that I am coming into my own. Even if this isn’t the first time I have said that. That doesn’t make it any less true. Part of saying no, is knowing how you deserve to be treated and saying no to when people do something that is unacceptable to you. Especially family. I am still so proud of myself that I was able to stick up for myself in the moment, the last time that my mom was in town. If I can do that then I am able to do anything because standing up to your family is the hardest thing. Which is another thing that is weird in itself because they are the people that love you more then anyone else. I think it is because when you are with your family you typically revert back to who you were when you were a child. I am no longer a child. I have grown, transformed, and come such a long way. I need to prove that to myself and to my family every time I am around them.

ANyways there is so much power in saying no. I am all for it. Even though I feel like I am a buzz kill at the moment. I know who I am and what I need and I am respecting myself. Learning to say no is important as long as you don’t abuse it or use it to hide from experiencing new things. The mental institution that I told my boss’ no to would have been too much negativity for an empath like me to handle and even if it is apparently “minor” I don’t trust people in that situation. I didn’t feel like it was a safe environment for me and that is the best time to say no. There are other things that also terrify me that I wouldn’t want to accept a work assignment for but I do anyways because I know it will help me grow and improve to become a better interpreter and maybe teach me something that I can use in my everyday life as well.

Well, I guess that’s if for now.

Write you next time.

Being a Woman

Being a woman sucks. Especially once a month. For those guys out there who don’t believe that being premenstral is a thing, It TOTALLY IS!! It sucks and makes us feel crazy. I was great until I started. I was feeling great. Had a couple of good days that just kept getting better in a row. Then with the excitement of my sisters birthday celebration and all of her friends it just got me more and more exhausted. Then I finally had the day off after everyone went home today. I left before the last couple. I have finally realized that just because I live a mile aways does NOT mean I am obligated to stay until everyone else leaves. So I excused myself and have been laying on the couch watching Netflix most of the day. That would be fine if my mind wasn’t going crazy with things.

It is a little bit hard to explain and I am not sure if anyone will understand but here it goes. I am not like really upset about anything. I have a small need to cry but it hasn’t happened. I don’t feel miserable. I just don’t want to see anyone, I want to be left alone. However at the same time I am lonely and want a friend. It makes no sense, I know and yet that is how I am feeling.

Last I checked I was assuming I was going to have to work tomorrow but they always wait on the weekends to text me till late to figure things out. Lucky tonight it was between 7pm-8pm. I have been asking advice from my friends on what to do but couldn’t seem to get myself to text my boss’. And then instead I get a text from them. Earlier then normal asking If I am still up for it. ANd I wanted to talk to my friends but they had all become busy and so no one responded when I needed them to which is completely understandable. The area where I normally work is on Spring Break so if I choose I didn’t have to work at all this week. That is unless I was interested. I have noticed something about myself. If I have too many days off I get bored and unhappy. I need to have things to do. So having the full week off is not a smart plan for me. However if I give myself Monday to recover a little more then I don’t see that as a problem. Another thing that I am realizing is that there are so many more introverted people in the world then I realize. And NEEDING to take some time or even a day or so to recover from “peopleing” is a total normal and valid thing to need for myself.

A silly and random part of my weekend. My sister said a joke after I tapped out of doing the pile of dishes with the party. There were plenty of people willing to help and my hands were shaking because I hadn’t been drinking enough water. (take care of yourself people. It is important) So anyways, she says, “Jesus never tapped out.” Cause I guess she saw that on a bilboard somewhere once. And I responded with, “Jesus also never had a period!……And.I.DO!” Looking back on it I am a little embarrassed but I wasn’t in the moment so I am trying not to let myself over-think it like I do.

I just had to write some of this down. I know it is probably all over the place but so am I. 😛 Being a woman is hard. You men have NO.IDEA! I still like being a female. I wouldn’t want to change places or anything but still….

I think a new couple has moved in next door. I was creepy and watched through the peep hold in my door. And I care but I am so done and tired about everything that I am not going out of my way to try to meet them. Everyone in this house is “nice” and everyone in the house next door is just the best. Super sweet and wonderful and I just want to interact with all of them on a daily basis.

Write you next time….I guess.