I would like to preface with this is my opinion from my bad experiences. I understand that it is not going to be a popular opinion. I don’t expect anyone to agree with me.
Having said that “best” friend’s don’t exist. There is no such thing. “Best” indicates that there can only be one. However that is not the way the world uses this term. Many people talk about “one of my MANY best friends.” Growing up, from an early age I thought that the word was wrong and cruel. When talking about a “best” friend in front of other friends it hurts. It was always used around me growing up and people where NEVER using it to describe me.
Then I went to my first convention for a specific TV show that I love. I met my first and second best friend there. I was so excited because I finally had a best friend. And as soon as that one crashed and burned because she cyber stalked and cyber bullied me I had another “bestie” there to help me pick up the pieces of myself again. Only to have her get mad at me for saying something that upset her and then dropping me as a friend. So “best” friends are a lie and don’t exist. At least not for me. Which just makes it that much worse and unfair.
Now when I hear or see people online talking about their “best” friends I have a physical reaction to it. Either I stop reading, I cringe, or I become pissed off. “Lucky them.” (Sarcasm) Someone online said that their “best” friend blew them off on said person’s birthday for the second year in a row. I responded that then that friend doesn’t seem worthy of the title “best”friend.
Friends in my life tell me that they believe I will find it again in a new person. But I don’t believe them and even if I did. I could NEVER call them that again. It isn’t a safe word and opens me up to being completley barren and exposed to the knifes that people carry with them again. I can’t do that to myself again. I have a friend right now and just realized tonight that if she were to leave me how much that would hurt again. I don’t think I have put her on a pedistal like all the previous people in my life. But it feels too similar to the wonderful aspects of being a “best” friend and having one back that it terrify’s me. And I have NEVER even met her in person or heard her voice yet. I know that she will read this as well and idc. I am writing it anyways.
Think about what this word could mean for others in your life and use it carefully. That word has power. And people say big things and words without thinking. They don’t realize the power those silly little words have. It sucks and it isn’t fair. I am not weak! I am not fragile! And I deserve to be treated a hell of a lot better.
And the worst of it. Is I know this is wrong and I know it isn’t my fault but…. I am the common factor in all these situations. I try to see the best in people no matter how much or often they let me down. Maybe on some level I think I deserve it. I grew up always feeling like I was the problem because I was the youngest. Everything is always my fault. Or at least that is what everyone else thinks. It is something I am trying to deal with to this day. And it sucks ass!!!
I guess that is it for now. 😦
Write you next time.