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First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

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This is my first time venturing out into the written blog world. I am nervous and hesitant however I am jumping out of my comfort zone. One reason is because my whole life I have felt that I have something worthwhile to say. How I am feeling on a daily basis might help other who are struggling. I have been encouraged by a couple friends that think I need to start a blog or vlog of some sort. So I thought I would start with a written one. I am more comfortable on paper as it is anyways. And maybe I can start a vlog as a continuation of this blog at a later date. One thing that has held me back is that I don’t know how consistent I will be able to be because life can sometimes take a hold of me and that distracts me. It is hard to know when I will be spit back out.

Recently I wrote something when I was struggling with something myself. I felt the need to show a couple of my friends and one in particular asked if she could save it because she feels like she might need to read it again at some time in the future. I am going to share this with you now and this is one of the main reasons I have decided to start this blog. I hope It can help others. My plan is just to express myself fully as I am, with no apologies. So I might not always sound put together or eloquent. This is really for me but if I can help people while at the same time process my feelings and work through issues then that is awesome. Here is what I wrote:

“OH hello, my new insecurity. This wound is still fresh and yet it has been months. I didn’t think it would still hurt like this now. However as I have seen with my previous experience the pain does become less the more you work through it and with the more time that passes. I don’t know if it ever goes fully away but it becomes bearable. Maybe even barely noticeable.

Each person is made up of cracks and the broken pieces of themselves. I heard someone talk about how that shapes us into the puzzle pieces we are and that way we can find the other people who fit in with those cracks and breaks in ourselves that we thought were flaws and pieces of ourselves that were broken beyond repair.

Others can be there to support us and listen to us as long as they don’t have to answer for others mistakes. That is not fair to them and not their responsibility to take on that burden and fix us. Even if they could, that is not their responsibility. It is up to us to find a way to work through and past our trauma. We come out stronger because of it.”

I guess I’ll leave it at that for my first post. Write you next time.

Pain Resides

My brain says I miss you but that is a lie.
I miss who I thought you were.
I miss who I got to be with you.
I miss all the memories and good times we had together.

I don’t miss the drama.
I don’t miss your negativity like an anvil dragging me down.
I don’t miss YOU.
I don’t miss the pain you caused me when you left.
I don’t miss you dumping me like you dump your trash.
I don’t want you back in my life.

You are my angel for stepping out of my life.
I could never have left you.
Thank you.

I HATE you!
I hate you for leaving me alone.
I hate that you were my only friend.
I hate that I gave everything of myself to you.
I hate that you make me feel unloveable.
I hate that your love was conditional.
I hate how much you damaged me.
I hate how I can no longer trust.
I hate that you came back into my life when I was healing nicely.
I hate that now I have to start all over again.
I hate that you make me feel broken.
I hate that you will never fully leave my mind.

I showed you my scars.
I showed you my wounds.
I showed you my pain.
I showed you my worst.
You said it was okay.
You said you still loved me.
You nurtured my pain and broken pieces
And then you stomped all over my face.
You became one of those scarred pieces on my heart.
I gave you my heart.
Trusted you with it.
And I was wrong.
You never get to see my heart again.

I miss you.
My angel.

Now STAY gone.

I’m not okay

My life is not bad. I actually have a lot going for me. I just got this really great job that makes me happy. It is the best work environment that I have ever been in and it is just a Candy Store. 😛 My boss is amazing, my coworkers are amazing. I am happy whenever I am there.
And then I come home.
I am no longer okay. I don’t know if work just distracts me from how I really am feeling but….idk.

I moved close to my niece when I found out my sister was pregnant. A few months after me my mom followed. Now we all live within a mile of each other. That should be wonderful and bring us all together right? Apparently not for me. Ever since my sister was old enough to drive she has spend as much time out of the house as possible. She traveled abroad during the summers when she could and as soon as she was of age to go to college she went hours away and then flights away. My parents got divorced when I was a senior in High School if I remember correctly. My dad got a condo until I graduated and then moved to Washington State. Then years later my mom sold the house I grew up in, was living in again because I had, had to move back home and she moved 3 hours away and then 5 hours away. I have spent all of my adult life away from my family. I don’t know HOW to be a full time member anymore, if I ever did in the first place. And all I feel is the pressure to do so and that I am not doing a good enough job. Like I am not even trying. And all this at a time in my life when I was just starting to discover who I am as an individual apart from what my parents expectations, hopes, and dreams were/are for me. Now I am depressed. Any time I am not at work. And I hate bringing that to any interaction with my niece. Not that she notices but you know that babies are sponges. I don’t want to be the one to fuck her up. I can’t. That is what I desperately want to protect her from.

Even when I am happy I feel this darkness inside of me. I would never do anything to hurt myself. However I still have thoughts about how I wish I could just be gone so that then people would really understand how, not okay I am right now. Because I can’t tell them. Especially my family and I have my reasons as to why. Mom will say that it runs in the family because she was depressed during her marriage to my dad. I am very careful with who I talk to about this because you can’t trust people. They will either make too big of a deal out of it, make it seem too normal which invalidates my feelings, or they will tell you to go to therapy. I am all for therapy but it just….to spend the time for the professional to get up to date on my life and extra money I prefer not to use because #1 I don’t really have extra money for something like that…It’s just too much work. I went starting at 3 years old. Then I stopped for a few years, until my parents got divorced and went back again. Always the same woman. Now I don’t live there anymore and would have to start all over again. I feel like no one cares and I am all alone. Which is inaccurate because most people have no idea what I am going through because I haven’t told them. And others are going through similar things as me, apparently. I am actually SICK of people with the generic, “How are you?” Because no matter how much I want to answer truthfully I can’t. It pisses me off how that is what our world is now. People don’t want and are not ready for my real answer. I am NOT okay. That is how I am. I have graduated from bawling but I still cry everyday. I am broken, and damaged. The other day I got back from a couple hours with my mom and was beside myself. I complain too much, am a difficult friend, its why I don’t have any friends. I am too difficult. I am not worth it. No one cares. I’ll always be alone. No one will ever want to take the time to be with me because I am too critical and get emotional and upset about everything. I just bring them down. I’m too much trouble and too needy.

I need to move away but I love my job, I love my niece. But my feelings are affecting how happy I am around her. And I get judgmental support from my family. I only have two options according to…..Stay where I am, or moved into the unit behind my sister. But I NEED to be 5-15 mins away in distance from them minimum that way I can still work at the same place. I just need a little distance and space. All the signs the Universe is providing me is fucking confusing. I don’t make enough to live alone. My mom has been financially supporting me basically forever. Even when I do live on my own. I’ll never make enough to support myself and so in some ways I will always feel guilted into things by her, because I am obligated to do so because she is supporting me financially. I am grateful for that, I am. Without her I would be on the street. That is becoming clear to me. But I just….am loosing hope and faith that I will find a place that will accept the money I have with her help as well as be a nice enough area for her. I am screwed and I FEEL that I can’t stay where I am or move in behind my sister. I just can’t.

I hate feeling like this. I don’t think it will ever get better. And I can’t live in this feeling, I just can’t. I don’t want to assume that moving will solve all my problems and make me happy. I can’t even think that is a possibility anymore. But it is the only thing I have right now. I NEED this.

I don’t want to post how I am really feeling on FB because I have gotten into bad situations from doing that in the past and I don’t want my family to see it. So instead I post gif’s on my messenger’s Day and hope people will reach out. But the ones that do are too positive and try to fix it by telling me I’m depression or should look into therapy or going to a doctor or something. I won’t take medication for this. I WONT! I just need support. I just need someone to sit in the thick of the mud and crud and shit and let me wallow no matter how much I don’t want to. I want to feel seen, heard, and understood. That is all I have ever wanted my whole life.

It might be a bad decision for me to post this but….I needed to write it out. Maybe it can help someone else who is feeling the same way. I am still here. I am always here. No matter how much I hate fighting the fight, I am always still here. I deserve credit for that. Everyone who is struggling deserves credit for that.

Write you next time.

Differently Abled (Disabled)

I want to talk about Disabilities. I just watched the two episodes of This Close that are on sundancenow.com. I have had some realizations about myself through watching them. I don’t connect or identify as having a disability in any way. I have interacted with the Deaf community and as far as I understand it they feel the same way. It is a piece of who you are but it isn’t WHO you are. You are so much MORE then what people label your specific disability as. Part of me feels like maybe I shouldn’t even write this. Because who am I? I am not disabled, not really, not compared to others out there. Plus my “disability” is unseen. No one would EVER have a clue unless I told them and what would be the point in that anyways.

I went to a brain doctor with my mom. What they do is legit. And basically I have a mild form of everything; ADD, ADHD, Anxiety, Panic attacks, depression, and other’s that I can’t remember. They also asked if I had ever had any brain damage. Which is possible but we said no. When we were meeting with the doctor and he was saying all this I felt like I was closing in on myself. It felt like he was telling me all of the things that are wrong with me and I was desperately trying not to cry. He left the room and my mom turns to me excitedly, “Isn’t this great?!” I told her how I was feeling and she explained things in a way that made me feel a little better and she ended with, “And this means we can fix it.” It was a while ago so I can’t remember if that is what she actually said but that is what I remember. I am supposed to take supplements to help but I rarely do. And then I went on living and hardly give any of it a second thought. Except maybe the depression and anxiety part when they decide to punch me in the gut and throw me to the ground.

However recently my mom has mentioned my learning disability twice in one week after years of not mentioning it. And then I watched the panel scene in the second episode of This Close. And something clicked. There is no such thing as disability. Society created that term to single out people who didn’t match up to what they consider normal and right. To make us wrong and less then. We are different which is technically a good thing. But we are TOO different. We don’t fit into the boxes and molds that people are trying to shove us into on a daily basis. We are NOT broken. We do NOT need to be fixed. We are perfect just as we are.

I say again I do NOT identify or connect in any way with having a learning disability. That is not who I am and it does not define me. I wouldn’t even know that I had it if people on the outside of my life compared me to the rest of the world and constantly told me that I struggled. Yes, I struggled in school. I excelled in English class but that was it. It was because I never gave a shit about Math, or History, or Science or any of those other subjects. And I just realized recently through a short lived job that I am incredibly smart if I am dedicated and motivated to something I am passionate about. I might have to work my ass off but I am capable of doing it. I would have never known that I have to work twice as hard as everyone else in the world just to be at the normal and standard starting space as others. The only reason I know that is because it was told to me over and over again by people I trust and who mean well and love me. If no one EVER said anything to me then I wouldn’t think anything of it. I wouldn’t go out of my way to find that out and even if I did, I wouldn’t think it applied to me. It is all I have ever known so it is my constant, my normal, and I deal with it. It only becomes harder to deal with it when people tell you how hard you in fact do have it.

I don’t know if I have said everything I wanted to on this subject or if I was clear enough. I also apologize if this is offensive in any way to anyone. This is just what I am feeling and experiencing for myself and I am not claiming that my experience is any better or worse then another persons.

Thank you for reading.

Write again later.

Am I Really Enough?

I have had my own issues and struggles in my life as everyone does. Some issue that has recently been popping up more consistently, aggressively, and more often is that I don’t feel like I am enough. I grew up with friends only wanting me around for my presence and thinking that, that was okay and/or acceptable. It never was for me; I even tried to reach out to one friend and ask her to make more of an effort to include me. She agreed to but nothing changed. So I spent much of my time in high school choosing to sit alone because that felt better then being surrounded that people who didn’t really care about me. Most of my friends that didn’t work out in the long run didn’t treat me right or blamed me for all our problems. I was always the bad guy. I am sick of that shit!!

I KNOW who I am! I know what kind of person I am. I know that I am worthy, and that I have a lot to offer up into any situation I am in. I AM enough. So how can I know all of those things about myself and still struggle on a daily basis with not feeling like enough? Nothing I do is ever enough. I try my hardest and damndest but if I fall short or quit then I wasn’t enough. If I don’t do well enough or right by my family and friends then I am not enough. The last friend I called my “best friend” told me that everything I felt was valid. My personality is composed of mostly questions. If you are friends with me then almost everything in our communication will be questions, some curiosity questions, etc. She made me feel like all of that was fine and I didn’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing. Until she took something I said the wrong way and couldn’t get over herself. That is not my fault. But she ripped the rug out from underneath me. I had given up. I wanted friends that were like family, but apparently that wasn’t for me which was so unfair because I am a great person and I deserve that kind of happiness in my life. I would just have to learn to be happy being alone for the rest of my life. And then new people came into my life. That I now want to call my biological family my bio’s and my friend family my Family. But I still hesitate. I can’t fully let go and trust that they are going to stay. Everyone leaves me. Parents are divorced. I went to college, dad moved away, Sister moved away as soon as she could, and then mom was the last to move away. My friends typically change every year. I have maybe a couple of friends that have stuck around but I am not that close with them and they NEVER live close to me. I want to trust. I want to let go. I want to know that I can fall and they will always be there to catch me. They tell me that they will never leave me but those words are falling on my now deaf ears. Those words are hallow and mean nothing to me. No one is capable of promising something like that. They don’t know. Everyone changes and grows and evolves and in my experience it a growing apart not together. I might come around eventually but that scar is deep in my heart. I don’t know that I will ever allow myself to fully trust another person again. I want to protect myself while at the same time I don’t want to miss out on things because of fear holding me back. Its a big push and pull I am living with. Maybe once I meet them in person it might make things feel more clear and real to me.

I know that I am enough. More then enough. Maybe I’m just not connecting with feeling it. I know it but I can’t FEEL it.

I guess that’s it for now.

Write later.

Cynical Realism

I used to be this positive person. Someone who believed the best in people, gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and way more chances then they deserved. I thought that the people you grew up with were supposed to be who you were friends with forever. Then I got used, emotional abused, and taken advantage of one too many times. Now I don’t know who that positive person is or if she even exists anymore. I was harassed by the first person I ever decided to finally call my “best friend.” I was correct to be wary of that word. No place was safe. Then my friend who helped me through that dumped me a few months afterwards, blaming it on something I had said that she couldn’t deal with. So, once again everything is my fault.

Now I trust no one. It sounds awful but it is true. People have to earn my trust and even when they do I don’t trust that they will stick around forever. People change, grow and evolve. However some don’t. How is it even possible for two people to grow together? I have become cynical and I hate that I have. However I have also become more realistic. Everyone will let you down at some point in your life. The only person you can really count on is yourself. No matter what happens in my life, no matter how often I get punched to the ground. I always get back up. I don’t even know how I do it. I think it is because I have no other choice.

I want to trust. I want to love. But the pain hurts so much that I am in a constant battle between my heart and my brain. It’s a tug a war and no one is winning. I am strong. I am strong because I have to be. Because for me there is no other choice in the matter. I face everything head on because I always come out the other side somehow. It sucks and I hate it because I deserve better. I deserve someone to come into my life and fix everything. Someone to change my mind. But really I am the only person capable of changing my thinking and perspective. Everything takes time and it is still fresh enough that it hurts and I am desperately still trying to protect myself. I don’t want to get hurt again. The pain is too much. But I can’t help myself. I always care and trust to a certain extent. It’s a constant struggle. Time heals all wounds but I HATE having to wait. And even when it is more healed it won’t stop it from ever being a sore spot and bruise. It will just become something I am accustomed to and wont hurt or be as painful but it will still always be there. Just like all of the punches, cuts, bruises and scars on my heart and soul. We all have them and we all have to find a way to live with them and learn from them. That is our life.

Write again later.

I can’t

I want to talk. I want to ask for help. I want to open up. But I can’t. It hurts more to do that. But I need you to come to me. I need someone to realize that I am broken and a mess and pick me up and fix me. But I know that I am the only one who can make myself feel better. No one can fix me. And I can’t stop thinking, ‘What is wrong with me?’

Life is going good and instead of embracing all the good coming to me now I spend the time alone feeling bad for myself and pathetic. Beating myself up. Why can’t I just be happy? Sometimes even when I am feeling a tad bit better I still feel bad at the same time. How is it possible to feel okay and awful, emotionally at the same time? I am surrounded by friends in my life who don’t open up to me. Not really. Not in the same way that I try to be open with everyone. And that makes me feel like a crazy overemotional person who is incapable of being happy about anything. And I am not miserable all the time. I do have moments of joy. But they are fleeting and don’t last long. I never used to feel like a burden to anyone and now that is all that I feel. Plus I don’t want to talk to my family about things because they will blame everything on the fact that I have depression. That is why I am in denial and don’t want to accept that I have depression. Which clearly I do. And I was a depressed child as well. It comes in waves. But I feel like if I admit it to myself and family then it will become a crutch and then everything will be blamed on that. I feel like it will devalue my emotions and what I am feeling. Which I already experience enough of in my life up until now. Thoughts that I have recently on a daily basis are, ‘I am never enough. I am annoying. I am a burden. I should just stop talking. What if I let my family down in my new job? What if I let myself down? What if I let down my new job? What if I can’t do the job?’ It has put a magnifying glass to insecurities and fear that I try to ignore. It doesn’t matter that I know on some level all of those statements are false. It is still what happens in my head and I can’t control it. I cant stop it. That just is what it is. Apparently this has become my reality. It might not always be this way but it is right now.

I’ll try to write again later.

Vulnerability Poem

Vulnerability (inspired by the actor Wentworth Miller)

I see you
I see your soul
I see the pain
See the anguish
See your trauma
See your strength
It all makes you that much more beautiful

I see your soul
I recognize that pain
And it touches my soul

We are the same.
Souls reaching out
Trying, desperate to connect

Open the door to your heart
Show us your scars
That is the bravest action one can do
And I thank you because,
In your soul I see myself
Through your soul I find me

Thank you for your strength
Thank you for showing up
LOVE